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Tired of Running

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by SPatrick, Mar 13, 2019.

  1. SPatrick

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    To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure if I'm actually seeking advice. I'm pretty sure that I'm ready to accept who I am. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that, and I'm not sure that these are not contradictory statements.

    There are few people that know about me. My best friend of 20 years, he knows. A friend at work who also happens to be bisexual, he knows. A plethora of internet friends know the truth. That's basically it. See, I feel free and open on the internet with the communities to which I belong and it's invigorating. However, it's easier for one to be themselves in front of a phone or a computer screen than it is to be oneself in front of a mirror.

    I watched a movie yesterday that was a coming of age/coming out story and I couldn't have identified with it any more. I'm 36 years old, but the analogy of coming to terms with who you are to a ferris wheel was pretty spot on. It hit me pretty damn hard. Extreme highs and dark lows. One minute I'm totally happy with who I am and comfortable in my own skin, then other times, Im so.... Like trying to climb out from under my skin. I'm not sure how else to explain it.

    I don't understand everything, that much is certain. I've been running and hiding and living with my secret for 25 years now, maybe even longer. I'm exhausted. I haven't been able to sleep in weeks and I'm no psychologist, but I do believe my internal struggle against myself is what's causing it.

    When I told my bisexual friend that I thought it was time to tell my family, he asked why I would do that if I've never actually been with another man. To which I replied, because I know I'm definitely sexually attracted to men. And to be 100 percent honest even with that, I'm probably more attracted sexually to men than women.

    I was asked by a different friend how I thought my family would react. While I do worry about it to some degree, my defenses going up made me reply with: "well if they think their son or brother being attracted to men is bad, maybe they should try living in my world for 25+ years."

    I don't honestly know what I'm looking for by coming here. Maybe I needed to just express myself with words.
     
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  2. DecentOne

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    Hi, Welcome to EC!

    That ready/not comfortable with being ready part isn’t unusual. In my case I needed to explore Empty Closets for a while, talk things out here, and have some sessions with a therapist before I was comfortable enough. You’ve already come out to a few folks, that is further along than I was when I first got here. I’m pretty confident now, actually very confident after having joined some LGBTQ circles in real life.

    Glad you are here!
     
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  3. smurf

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    Talking it out helps a lot. Being able to type it and read it over can be a healing process.

    Listen, it fucking sucks. A lot of us had to go through this whirlwind of emotions. You are right, its incredibly exhausting and if you keep carrying it will consume you.

    You can either come out to your family or just keep coming out to other friends and strangers. You can practice being out by taking your friend to a gay parade in another city just out of curiosity. Small steps help.

    We spent years being fed that being gay is a bad thing. Its normal and expected to struggle through this, but you will get there.
     
  4. I'mStillStanding

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    I love the movie with Ferris wheel reference (I mean if it’s the one I’m thinking about... Love, Simon). It was very much an accurate description of how I felt when started coming to terms with my sexuality 3 years ago.

    I didn’t have much of a choice in my coming out process. My mom kinda forced me to tell her, she told a couple people and I started freaking out so I had to tell my ex wife quicker than I planned. Then after a couple weeks she told a bunch of people and it was over.

    You can go as fast or as slow in the process as you want honestly. I do think going to therapy and maybe a support group or something could help before hand. Just because there could be questions and it’s always nice to be prepared to answer them.

    EC was also a huge resource for me during my coming out tour!
     
  5. SPatrick

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    It was indeed 'Love, Simon'. I highly recommend that film for any young person hiding from themselves. Really, I recommend it to anyone hiding from themselves, any family members trying to guess why they weren't told sooner, etc. It's just a film but it spoke to me, very loudly. The part where Simon's father broke down and cried reassuring him that there's nothing wrong with him and that he loved him about broke me lol.

    I can't figure out how to quote from my phone, but to the commenter above, im 36. When I was young it was still very dangerous to be out. It still is in some circles, no doubt. But I knew as early as 7 or 8 that I was attracted to male's and it scared me half to death. That stuff stays with you, or at least it did me.

    I have 3 friends at work that Ive talked about it with. 1 was entirely out with. The other 2 think I'm just curious. But they're accepting of that so I don't think it's a far leap from curious to "no I really wanna touch a...." Fill in the blank.

    I can't remember if I stated that my best friend of 20 years knows, but he does and nothing has changed. Since last night's post, I came out to my younger sister and she's overwhelmingly supportive and has vowed to punch everyone who isn't, in the face.
     
  6. I'mStillStanding

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    It really was such an amazing movie. It came out two years after I did lol (like almost the same day if they had held it two days it would have been perfect). So a couple of my younger siblings and my stepmom (dad’s ex wife I got custody of her in divorce though) took me to see it for my Bday. They watched me watch the movie lol.

    Well having the three friends know you’re “not straight” and being supportive is definitely great. Having the support is great, and the long time friend is amazing.

    Coming out to your sister is also a huge step! So happy she’s so supportive. I’m curious did she have any idea or was she surprised? All but one person in my wife suspected (even my ex).
     
  7. SPatrick

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    She told me she wasn't really surprised and always thought I was different. She was also happy that I'm beginning to accept who I am. One thing that keeps my anxiety up is that im afraid that once its out, then sort of like a cancer patient, like every look and every conversation becomes about my sexuality in one way or another. Yeah I mean, it is part of me, but it's just one small part of a very complex puzzle.
     
  8. I'mStillStanding

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    I get that for sure... the shock will wear off and also I suggest be causal in dropping it in conversations so it’s not that big a deal. Like if you know you want to come out to a friend just tell them something like, there is this guy I’m really starting to like... kinda think I’m gonna ask him for coffee. Then move it right along. They’ll be shocked and may ask questions but you just answer it like it’s not a big deal and keep it moving you know.
     
  9. SPatrick

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    So far ive chosen the blunt "look, this is me, I'm still the same me but here is something u don't know" approach and Ive enjoyed great success in that approach so far. You know what they say, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."

    It's hard to explain, like I'm always ready to yell it to the world until it actually becomes time to tell someone. Like, it shouldn't be a big deal. It shouldn't be any different than being straight, yet it is. It's strange really, I want everyone to know, but no one, at the same time. Maybe that's just me still coming to grips with it all.
     
  10. I'mStillStanding

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    It’s like the movie it’s unfair only gay people have to come out why is straight the default... that is one of my favorite scenes lol. Me personally, I talk about it too much evidentially because my family is always saying something. But I make gay jokes get over yourself!
     
  11. SPatrick

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    I was literally going to mention that scene, but deleted that line lol.

    I make gay jokes constantly. Fake flirting with guys, really. Not so much "joking." One major change I noticed is my reaction to hearing the word "faggot." Like that word or any word meant to hurt someone has always made me cringe, but never really got to me. Humans gonna human, right? Lately the f word has induced a reactionary response in me. I am a foreman where I work and one of my crew leaders called his crewman a "faggot" in jest. He didn't mean anything by it, but my God did I light him up for it. The guy he said it to is closeted bisexual. I suspected he was, but didn't find out until a few days later. Anyway, I felt bad lighting him up the way I did.
     
  12. I'mStillStanding

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    Yea it’s a great movie lol

    Not cool! I mean I use the word in some areas but I’m gay so I can! But it’s not acceptable and when it’s said “oh we are joking we don’t mean anything...” no you’re saying that is the worst thing you can say to insult a guy as if there is something wrong with it! Light ‘em up! Lol
     
  13. OGS

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    I seriously just assume everyone knows. People talk, it's not a secret. I'm genuinely surprised when anyone doesn't know. Most people are surprised about me when they find out so you can always tell when they didn't know. They kind of tilt their head and really look at you for a moment. They kind of miss a beat while they assimilate the information, and then life goes on. I mean I've been out for well over twenty-five years so most people actually do know at this point. But seriously, even back when I came out I had "the conversation" with my parents and then just walked out into the world with the assumption that everyone knew. Even my brother and sisters just kind of found out.

    In my experience I don't think it becomes your defining characteristic unless you make it that. In my opinion, nothing does that like sitting everyone down and confessing this big thing. Once you let go worrying about who knows, people will find out just fine, and, in my experience, they'll take it as casually as you tell it.