Hello everyone. Before I start my long post message, I wanted to say: I am aware that I could just be a masculine lesbian woman, or a gender non-conforming individual. This is not a statement of me saying : I am trans as it could be pretty disconnected from "real" transgender individual's experience. If you're asking yourself while reading this: yes, I am in therapy, but I am afraid to frontally ask this kind of questions, although I evoked them. Also I'm french so oui oui baguette I make mistakes sometimes To start off: I've always felt some kind of an uncomfortable feeling regarding my gender. When I was around 5 or 6, I was just happy being disguised as a princess, but reaching 8 or 9, I had a fascination for "boy" interest. When I used to go to the boy section, I felt like I was "violating" some kind of unseen rules, and when I bought "male" toys I felt like I was comiting some kind of crime. Again: this could be due to gender non-conformity. What troubles me the most regarding my gender is that I always felt some kind of disconnection to my body, and especially myself. I suffer from high level (and diagnosed) anxiety and had derealization disorder (the intense feel of disconnection) as soon as puberty started to hit. My confusion regarding which gender I was attracted to is a question that could torture me for hours; I knew deep down it was girls but I couldn't seem to accept that it was that. Also, I also hate my own existence, as if I don't deserve anything. It's a feeling I'm working on. I have to precise: my mother lost a child ( a boy) before she was pregnant with me, and my therapist indicated that my confusion to my own gender could be from here (i "took the place" of a boy and ruined a perfect scheme of 1 girl/ 1 boy that my parents always had). I have a strong pressure regarding my close surroundings. I have a loving family, friends, a partner. When I came out as a lesbian, my family was really accepting. But my family seems to deny any form of masculine expression I could have. She's always telling me : yes, you can be a bit of a tomboy, but please, don't cut your hair, please put a dress on. I'm trying to buy and put on feminine clothes, but recently I've been telling myself: yes, I look pretty, yes, I love wearing make-up, but it feels like a performance of a woman. I may feel confident, but do I feel like myself? Coming on to the really disturbing part. I've searched a lot about auto-androphilia; it's a strong sexual kink when the thought of you as the opposite gender is highly arousing. I've had this since I was like 10 or 11. I've always been fascinated with the process of transition, transformation. I've tried crossdressing and it gave me an incredible sense of power, and when I'm imagining myself as a man while doing sexual things by myself, it feels amazing. BUT AGAIN: maybe just a fantasy about power dynamic. I don't know why, but each time I come accross a FTM transgender experience online, I'm fascinated, speechless, thinking how brave they are. I don't have some kind of weird fixation on trans people tho, like "omg trans men are so hot uWu" - I know that it is fetishizing and : ew. I also dream REALLY often about being a man, having male genitalia , cutting my hair. I think I want to cut my hair real, real bad. It's one of my recurring desire. I just made the most realistic dream where in a reality, I was a man and I realized how much better I felt, and in another, I was just this fat, confused woman (wow that sounds really sad , I do hate myself of lot) But I'm scared of what it could sparkle: my surrounding reaction, the change on my face, if it would look good or not. I DO want to dress more masculine, to embrace it. I want to wear boxers, I want to have more muscles, BUT... I do love some feminine clothes in some way, like silky pyjamas. I do love some kind of well balanced feminity. I'm just tired of being confused regarding my gender. And again; i know it doesn't sound like a transgender storyline. But I'm asking to all of you, brave as fuck people because I can't imagine how hard this can be: how do you break free from social expectation? How do you embrace what you want to look like? Am I doing this for attention? Because I feel like I'm not supposed to be here? Am I wanting to be seen more as a male because being a woman is hard? I hope this doesn't sound offensive in any ways. I'm just tired of being confused. I just want to be myself. See you around, thank you for reading
Your experience is just as real and valid as anyone's. If it turns out that you do need to transition then it is the real you. I do advise people though that if they can contentedly live within their birth assignment that they should do so, living against all of societies expectations is HARD. I dislike society defining toys as belonging to one or the other sex/gender (plus the fact that neither sex nor gender is really a binary). If you like trucks great play with them. If you like dolls great play with them. If you like both great play with them. I have three children two assigned male at birth and one assigned female, we got them all dolls and they all played with the blocks, Legos, balls and outside in the mud. You should probably work on all of these issues or at least get a good start before you consider serious life changes like HRT or more. I see this as a major issue in more than one way. You should be able to present in whatever way makes you more comfortable regardless of what your gender actually is. It is also an indication that your mother would be very uncomfortable and possibly rejecting of you if you did transition. Femininity IS performative, whether you identify as a woman or not. If you like doing it though then do so. I do not think that our dreams while sleeping really tell us that much it is just random firing of neurons and sorting of things. It would be a lot more indicative if you spent a whole lot of your awake day dreaming or fantasy life wishing that you were a cis male. If you want to cut your hair do so, the neat thing about hair is that it grows back, to keep it short you have to keep cutting it. We have not control over our genetics and HRT affects everyone a bit differently. However you would end up looking is how it would be, something to consider. If you want to wear a suit and tie or boxers do so. The boxers would not even show to anyone if you want to do it, I know many cis women who do so because they think they are more comfortable. What matters most is who you really are and what you need to do in order for you to be content in your life. If you talked to ten thousand people who transitioned you would find ten thousand different stories. Your story is your story. Take the time to really think about who you are and what would work for you. You should really try to be open about this in therapy. If you do decide that you need to transition you will need the help of a therapist and doctors so you will have to open up about it. I did it because I could not survive pretending to be male. I did not have a choice so no matter how difficult it was I had to do it, even though the consequences were really harsh. Maybe and maybe not, this is something that you should try to work through in therapy.
I completely relate to your feelings. I'm AMAB, but have in recent years begun questioning if I am non-binary. I'm still occasionally having feelings of only making it up in my head or wanting to do it for attention. But I recommend you keep your head up and doing what works for you, not want society demands you be
