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Tired of being Gay

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by MySQL2017, Oct 18, 2017.

  1. MySQL2017

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    Hi,

    I'm a 29 yo gay male about to turn 30. I knew I was attracted to men since I was 13, came out my senior year of college at 22 to friends and family. I went through the whole rebellious phase after graduating, dating a guy, going out on the weekends drinking, etc. Went through my first breakup in 2011. Dated a bunch of new people throughout the years after starting to get my life together again in 2012. I just graduated grad school and I've been dating this younger guy for about two years. We're planning on moving in together after I get a job and he plans on moving out of his parents place to join me. My mom is really accepting of me and my dad is too - my mom even said she would be okay with me adopting kids one day too if that's what I wanted to do.

    I recently spoke to a former HS acquaintance online who got back in touch with me. Eventually I told him I was gay/bi and he asked me the usual questions: top/bottom, how did you know, when did you know, told me he always knew I was gay, why didn't I say anything earlier; he even tried to hit on me before he found out I had a bf.

    I don't really find being gay central to my identity and I kind of get irked when I have to keep bringing it up or hear about it. I guess I'm just tired of being gay and dealing with all the suppositions and stereotypes and everything associated with it. It's tiring. I don't really talk about it with my parents, I'd prefer that it didn't really come up, even hearing her make that surrogacy comment made me feel uncomfortable-like now I'm pigeonholed into adopting kids one day because I can't make them on my own, I'm just the gay one. My younger brother is gay too but my sister is straight. He goes out and parties a lot with his friends. I mainly sit at home and text with my bf or occasionally meet up with him for a few hours or try and make plans with the few friends I see who remain around my city.

    There was a gay young married couple at my cousin's wedding earlier this week, and my mom fawned over them and said how much she loved them so much. One of the men pushed me to dance at one point when I wasn't feeling the music.

    I guess I'm just tired of being gay. I'm tired of having to live up to the stereotypes or whatever people think of gay people. I really just want to be normal, blend in, have a normal family with kids, even have a wife. I'm not sexually attracted to women to the point where I could perform, but I do find them incredibly attractive from a visual perspective, even sexy, some of them. I am sexually attracted to men really. That's just how I grew up. I'd like to be able to date men and women and perform equally with both, but I doubt I have the ability.

    I don't identify as a feminine male - I grew up playing music and enjoying music as a kid. I wish I was physically stronger and more dominant where I could have a normal family. After getting injured ice skating and during one of my clinical rotations I lost 30 lbs. and now look like a skeleton - my left elbow hurts a lot every day and my left knee acts up so I'm not sure I'll be able to get back to my former physical shape at 25 where I could life weights and do big workouts and feel great. I just stopped working out the past two years due to stress from my work program and fear I might re-injure myself.

    I like my life a lot I find enjoyment every day from being online listening to music playing piano, talking to people online, talking to my family, working. I get a boost from all of these things and my hobbies. I'm not depressed or anxious I feel good about life, I'm just tired of living up to the stresses of being gay in society - being recognized as gay by other gay men, being told "oh I always knew you were gay I hope you're not mad," being seen as the gay guy liberal by other straight men, even though I am pretty conservative when it comes to politics. I just feel that because I'm gay I'm not taken seriously, I'm just an outlier. I don't want to have a gay wedding where my family has to go through all of the bells and whistles for a *gay wedding.* I want a normal wedding. I don't want to deal with a family that has to put up with the stigma of a gay wedding. "Oh, but you know it's a gay wedding, two guys! (Or two girls!)"

    I could see myself dating a woman and being happy creating a family one day. I wouldn't be attracted to her sexually or have sex with her but I could see being "the dad" and having "a mom" in the family. I wouldn't mind being the father of kids. Watching them grow up to be successful. Working at my job and hobbies and interests and being "one of the guys," just a normal guy, not a special "gay guy" who's different and ostracized simply for the fact that he is gay-because he is gay he can never be one of the guys implicitly, nor can he have a normal family with a mother and father, nor will the extended family ever really accept them. There's superficial acceptance that exists with gays I think, really, looking at it from the outside, that's all. "I wouldn't want to deal with that if I was his/her father/mother/etc., think of what the family would say."

    Having grown up and come out at an earlier age at 22 I shouted "It gets better" from the rooftops, I felt elation and all of that. Now getting older I just don't feel that elation anymore, I just feel difference and the dread of having to live with that difference for the rest of my life. It's tiring. I just want to exist.
     
  2. Barbatus

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    Hi MySQL2017,

    So the impression I get from your post is not that you are tired of being gay per se but you are tired of people trying to make you an extrovert and expect you to behave in certain ways when you sounds (like me) like someone who is happy to spend time alone and not be the centre of attention.

    I'm gay and recently turned 30 but I generally keep to myself. I go to the pub with some friends once a week but otherwise I work, play chess, hike etc. I don't do big gay extrovert which it seems you think people expect of you. So maybe it is a case of just sticking with what you want for yourself? Could you speak to your mum about this? About how you feel people expect you to be certain a way?

    On thing that is a bit confusing, is when you say you'd settled down with a woman. Why would you do that? To avoid the 'hype' of being a same-sex family?

    To be clear, this is my impression from reading your post so just say if I am way off the mark.
     
  3. Geek

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    Am I right to assume that you're not tired of being gay, but rather feeling the need to explain your sexuality to others? I get it, and i agree. I wish sexualities were to a point where it was like being left handed. People might assume your straight, but if they happen to tell them that you're gay, they say "oh okay" and move on with your lives. Some people are at that point, others are not. I think society is getting more and more accepting. That's why anytime I see young gay teenage couples, I get happy to see them being open and life happy lives. It's my hope that by the time I die, the super majority of people will not care about your sexuality, the same way they don't care about your skin color. I think it will happen in the next 30 years. Seems like a long time, but can happen sooner. Racism was still very prevalent in the 1960s. Compare that to the 1990s. Someone being against interracial marriage in the 1960s definitely is viewed differently by society than someone with that mindset in the 1980s and 1990s.
     
  4. MySQL2017

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    No that's very true I think - I think society just expects a lot of you and I'm feeling that pressure of needing to be married at 30 like everyone else is. I don't really want to go through the whole massive public ceremony with 300 people I'd rather either do a private wedding or just keep my relationship private like it is now. Be more of a natural introvert like you said, I like that way of categorizing it.

    I think my whole "normal family" talk is feeling that pressure and projecting it onto my current relationship that it has to be considered normal by the public and very public and out there. The funny thing is I have no problem being with my bf in public holding hands kissing etc.

    I guess it's just being tired of having to constantly come out to new people and maybe it was this particular hs acquaintance who started things off with a somewhat creepy advance during a what I thought was a friendly message reconnecting after many years having gone to school together in the past as distant acquaintances (His opening message was: "I'm a nudist do you want to play video games naked?"). No-I don't and would never, thanks.
     
  5. MySQL2017

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    That's true - I'm the same way with young couples. I am hopeful for the future as well. Let's hope it comes sooner than later!
     
  6. OGS

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    I sort of wonder how much of this is pressure that society is putting on you and how much is pressure you are putting on yourself. I'm not saying that makes the pressure any less real--I put all sorts of pressure on myself too--but just that there may be more you can do about it than just wait for society to change. You mention that you're tired of always having to talk about being gay. Then don't. I've been out to pretty much everyone for decades and I hardly ever talk about being gay. I talk about my life, my husband, what I did over the weekend--and I suppose much of that is affected by the fact that I'm gay, and people can and do figure it out. But this forum is most of the conversation I have "about being gay." You mention all the "usual questions" like whether you're a top or a bottom? I've literally never been asked that

    I guess my general advice would be that you don't have to somehow enact being gay--you are gay. It doesn't mean you have to go to the gym or be feminine or talk politics. It just means you get to have sex with men and enjoy it, if you want to. It doesn't mean you have to have a big ol' gay wedding. It doesn't mean you can't. My husband and I got married on holiday. For us it just seemed sort of silly to do the big wedding party when we'd already been functioning like a married couple for eighteen years at that point. I suppose some people were a little disappointed because they would have liked to attend, but mainly people just asked if they could still send gifts. As far as I'm concerned if you want to send me a gift because it's Thursday have at it! My sister didn't want to do the big ol' Mormon wedding so she eloped. People, most of them straight (like my sister), do it all the time.

    I guess for me the great thing about being gay is that so many of those societal expectations sort of melt away. I feel like straight men in particular are constantly modulating their behavior: I can't do that people might think I'm gay. Well, I can--because I am gay. But I also don't have to. I can be whoever I want to be. And that can change if I want it to. You mentioned always having to be "the gay one." I suppose at work I'm "the gay one" but I honestly don't think people think of me that way. Frankly I'm the boring one in the group--don't drink much, with my spouse longer than anyone else, naturally quite a bit more reserved than most, goes out to brunch every Sunday. Just me, boring old me--with a bit more colorful of a past than most would expect, but hey I think most people think the disconnect between that person and the person I am now is sort of part of the charm.

    I know it can be hard to feel like you're forced into a particular mold. But I think it's at least worth considering that you are the one doing the forcing. I also know that "just stop feeling the way you do" is not really a helpful response, but I really do think that with time and work and reflection one can at least work towards that goal.
     
  7. MySQL2017

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    True. I think certain events and weddings tend to bring up that pressure and add to that "otherness" exclusion and it's a pain to deal with that and family expectations. I think the private aspect is a great way of dealing with it.

    And like you said just live life and don't engage with people who have ulterior motives, etc. The world will always be there with its pressures why add another one by yourself, etc. All good advice.
     
  8. Barbatus

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    Hi MySQL2017

    I'm glad I wasn't too far off the mark. I've recently joined a gay hiking group and that has made me feel much more comfortable about be a non-steroeype kinda guy. Obviously, it doesn't matter whether you are or not but for those of us who are gay and can't fit into what people typically expect can find it hard sometimes I think. I've often thought I need to camp it up so people know I'm gay without being shocked every time because they assume I'm straight.

    As I've gotten older I've just stopped worrying about it but I can see going to weddings and stuff would exacerbate the sense of otherness. Myself, I don't feel any need to get married whatsoever but then I'm an atheist so religious based social rituals aren't really my thing. I don't need recognition to validate my relationship. If it's something people want that's great but now that we can get married some people assume we will or should.

    So do you often feel like people are piling expectations on you or have you had a number of senses of that close together?

    On a side note, my mum once said to me 'well obviously you'll never have children' so parents don't always realise the impact of what they say.
     
  9. MySQL2017

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    That is another option, joining a specific group and doing activities that way. I think I'm fine with it now I think it was just a lot all at once that was kind of annoying. Yes, I think if parents would leave the issue alone and not discuss it it would be a lot easier to deal with. I try and keep things as private as possible so as to not even go down that road and deal with the headaches.
     
  10. Barbatus

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    I'm very similar in that. I don't like talking about it too much especially with parents because, try as they might, their prejudices sometimes come through.

    It might also be about asserting oneself as distinct from what people expect and what stereotypes people apply to us. You know being 'me' regardless of the situation.

    Maybe next time they bring it up you could I'll decide my own future and whether that includes marriage and kids will be up to me and my partner?
     
  11. MySQL2017

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    True that would be a good option to pursue
     
  12. Necrose

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    Well, if you want to marry a woman and have a heterosexual led family, I don't see why you couldn't, assuming she understands what she's getting herself into by marrying you. Maybe you don't have sex with your theoretical special lady because you don't like women in that way, but there's plenty of ways to have biological children that don't involve having sex with her, and surrogacy isn't even required if she's able to carry a child to term and give birth without harming the child or herself in the process. Lots of gay men in the past have done so to make the world think they're straight, but it's a different world now, so if you want to date and marry a woman and have children with her because that's the life you want despite being gay, why not? Assuming you did meet a woman who did understand your situation and she wanted you all the same.

    My best advice is you do you. If you don't want to be seen as a gay stereotype, don't be one. Whatever your interests are, pursue them, what doesn't interest or feel like you, don't. And if you don't like always having to tell people you're gay or people making a big deal about it, be honest about it. People have different personalities, I know, and your pleas for people to stop making a big deal about it may fall on deaf ears with some who may be trying a bit too hard to be supportive, but if you pursue the life you want and it makes you happy, whatever it is you do, provided it harms none of course, then those who love and support you should be happy for you, too.