1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Tired of Ambiguity

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by ScarletSky, Aug 13, 2018.

  1. ScarletSky

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 13, 2018
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I don't know how long the typical "sexuality confusion period" is supposed to last, but, by god, I am beyond tired of it. My head can't take it anymore. This is, namely, because I've been stressing out about it ever since 2nd grade. The situation was innocent enough: a game of truth or dare. Now, I know you think where I'm going with this.... well you're probably wrong. It wasn't the dare portion of the game which confused me; it was truth. My best friend simply asked me who it was I "liked liked" in class and, when she couldn't accept the reality that "I'd never liked anyone like that", I lied. Ever since then, I go through periods of obsessing and avoiding my possible sexuality. I honestly don't think I'm straight. I think too much about women, but I think I like guys too. Its all kinda hard because I'm pretty sure I'm on the asexuality spectrum. I've never had a "crush crush" on boys or girls. I've had mini obsessions with girls (which I'm now beginning to interpret as baby crushes) and get nervous around boys (and girls when we're getting close)(through I'm not sure if it's actually because I like them or simply because they might notice me and like me or simply because it is expected). Boy + girl right?

    I have kissed a boy, but I'm pretty sure I just did it because I really wanted to get my first kiss over with. Now I'm not even sure if I liked him as more than a friend, but, then again, maybe I'm overthinking things. I tend to think I overthink things a lot. Puts me into this crazy spiral of uncertainty where I feel like I can't even trust myself. Like I'm hearing what I want to hear. I did that once in 5th grade when I came to the conclusion that I found abs attractive. I went bizzerk and think I even cried because I thought I had figured it out. "I like guys" I excitedly wrote into my journal. Now I know I was overreacting. I do that a lot. It's just that when I want an answer so badly, my brain fools itself into an answer, and I never know what's real and what isn't.

    Right now, or at least the past day, I'm feeling pretty sure of a few things:
    1. I'm probably on the asexuality spectrum
    *But not super asexual if that makes sense*
    Due to my lack of "noticeably romantic" feelings for anyone
    2. I'm probably bi
    From the people I envision myself sleeping next to and holding when I'm older + my mini crushes
    3. I'm probably wrong.
    I'm only 17, so I still have a lot of life to live. I could be blowing things out of context or trying to give myself solutions. I don't know anything for certain, but it kinda feels nice to put a name to things. I think I'm going to secretly apply these labels (or at least something) to myself and see what happens. I'm tired of "saving thoughts for later" whenever they get too "matrix/inception/paradox-y"

    If you have any suggestions/advice, please give it.
     
  2. Silveroot

    Silveroot Guest

    Welcome to EC!

    I tend to overanalyze as well and I know it can be draining and tiring. You're definitely not the only one who has felt like their thoughts are not to be trusted. Unfortunately, self-reflection about anything isn't something that can be forced to happen. It's like a seed in the ground, you can't force it to become a plant, it grows in its own pace.

    My suggestion would be to be kind to yourself. Beating yourself up because you want to know isn't going to work in your favor. Take care of yourself, eat well, drink plenty of water and get some rest. It's what I would tell myself if I could travel back in time when I was worried as well. The calmer you get, the better you'll feel being you and your heart might feel safe enough to tell you how it feels eventually.
     
  3. tystnad

    tystnad Guest

    Hey ScarletSky!

    @Silveroot said it really well. You only need to browse a couple of threads here to find a whole bunch of people struggling to figure things out and constantly spiralling into patterns of overanalysing. The truth is, things like this need time – and there’s no rush to find an answer. That might seem incredibly frustrating, but trust me, the answer will come eventually (and often when you are not at all looking for it). Like you said, you’re 17 – you’ve got plenty of time. A lot of lgbt people do not actually figure things out until much, much later.

    A lot of the thoughts you’re having are quite normal for the process too. I didn’t actually have a crush until after I started accepting the possibility I was gay myself (even identified as asexual for a while even though I didn’t think I was reallyasexual) which was super essential in recognizing that I had been repressing things. I still can’t confidently say I have had an actual crush because I’m not sure what that’s supposed to be like and I struggle a lot with intimacy and openness which make It hard to recognize my own feelings… but I have started recognizing attraction and thoughts/desires that I have.

    A lot of people think you need to figure out everything and THEN find a label that fits perfectly, but actually using a label even if you’re not yet sure can help you with figuring things out because you’ll be moving past the “but I don’t want to call myself that” phase. So yes, experiment with labels! That’s perfectly okay! They’re not permanent – just use what you think suits you best now, and if you discover another label fits better, feel free to change. A lot of people do that. A lot of people get it wrong at first, too, because sexuality is complicated as hell. So don’t worry about that – just go for it if that feels like a good step to you!
     
    Silveroot likes this.
  4. Angus44

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 27, 2017
    Messages:
    76
    Likes Received:
    9
    Location:
    Massachusetts
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    I don't really have too much to add, but I can really relate to this. I've taken the approach of just using whatever label I think comes closest at a given time, and that has been really helpful for me. I also wanted to thank @tystnad because I thought her post was very insightful.
    -Gus
     
  5. SoulSearch

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2018
    Messages:
    320
    Likes Received:
    267
    Location:
    US
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I don’t think the labels are all that important either, but I understand the need to categorize yourself. Look up demisexual and see if that might fit you. Basically a demisexual needs to form an emotional connection with someone before they feel sexual attraction. I can appreciate superficial attraction, but I feel nothing for anyone until I connect on a deeper level, which doesn’t happen often. It’s easy to confuse that with being asexual.