Tipping the Shame-Acceptance Fulcrum

@out2019

You have a point there about Shame and acceptance maybe not be about the label. I know it’s more complicated than that. Because it deals with inner deeper feelings and how we perceive or view ourselves and that pain that arises somehow as being wrong or doing something wrong or dishonorable, or improper, or whatever have you. But you you say you are happy when you accept you are gay. So maybe it’s something that affecting you in some way that’s causing a block and hindering you from being what you want to be and living the life that you want.

Shame exists in heterosexuals in everyone by the way to some degree if we feel we are doing something wrong or if it is judged by society that it’s wrong.

Do you think or feel that you are doing something wrong by being attracted to and wanting to be intimate by a same sex person?.

That’s why I said in previous posts. That we may need to recondition or reaffirm to ourselves somehow or have a different mindset or perspective to see things differently. That’s why I also agree why I think a therapist could help with that or help uncover maybe hidden issues that you might not have thought about.

In the meantime there’s a book that deals with these issues and how it affects a person of the LGBTQ community. It is mentioned on this thread. I think it’s called “The Velvet Rage” written by psychologist Alan Downs. Maybe it could also be helpful.

 

I totally agree with Snowqueen’s post. Once you accept your being gay, kissing your old life goodbye is easier than you think. Once you are liberated you will soon forget all those past issues and fears. I couldn’t agree more that being an openly gay man is amazing and liberating along with a sense of freedom that is awesome.

 

I am new to EC today and have been reading this thread with great interest. I have been married for a very long time, and and I have been questioning my sexuality for an even longer time. It was 18 months ago that I experienced what I can only describe as a head-on collision with myself. I found myself laying in bed with another man, knowing that finally, for the first day of my life, I was complete. No other word to explain it. I had had some experiences before. But on that particular day, with that particular man, everything changed for me. I’m still trying to come to terms with it. I hope I can learn from you here on EC.

 

OT, no clue why my first post was incomplete. Anyway that first time when it dawns on you that sexual intimacy with another man seems so right is awesome. It does however cause you to start to evaluate what exactly you want out of life. Some of those decisions are tough and can cause pain as you navigate your way to acknowledging your same sex attraction. For me I knew after my first sexual encounter with another man that I would never be the same. It was like nothing I had ever experienced with a woman. It was intense, passionate, sensual you name it, it just felt so completely right. I remember waking up the next morning next with this wonderful guy feeling no guilt, shame or reservations ( they came later) and thinking this is how I want to spend the rest of my life. It took some time but I eventually freed myself to explore and then embrace my same sex attraction. I don’t regret anything about that journey.

 

Hey @out2019

I can relate a lot to your last post. Some of the things you said makes sense. Your questioning is right and valid. It is confusing. and these things are not easy to deal with so easily. Maybe we have to just accept what we are now and not change who we are in the process. There is no Win Win situation only if we see it that way. Also I have to say there is a lot of misconceptions about being bi and bi people than there are about gay people. A lot of people have a problem understanding them and not many can put themselves in their shoes when they are just people who like both women or men sexually or romantically or both in varying degrees. In my opinion there is nothing dark about it. It is what it is. And it has no correlation with either trust issues or faithfulness or promiscuity. It has to do with the person themselves. Straight people can be those things as well as gay people.

Also about the book. I have read some of it but I don’t really relate to it that much. I think in my opinion it’s limited in its scope a bit. Somewhat a personal journey and does not include all people of the lgbtq+ community.

So how are you thinking about these matters now. Are you closer to finding what you are looking for ? or not?

 

Yeah. There is a lot that has been written about the struggle and personal journey’s of people of the lgbtq+ community. You just have to see which ones that you relate and identify with on a personal level.
But I get it. Everyone is different. We all have different ways of thinking and processing things. Maybe you can start a journal to map out your own journey or thoughts and work through this from there.

I guess It is as you said. It is really up to you.

« We don’t receive wisdom. We must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no can take for us or spare us. » I like this quote by Marcel Proust.

If you are really determined that’s what you want. And this will make you happy. It will stick. It may need some time and support from like minded people. But you will get there in the end.

 

I know that this thread is old, so I don’t know what the current status is. Please reach out to me if you have any questions.

You may want to read the book “Coming Out of Shame”. This book deals in depth about how shame manifests in LGBTQ people, how to recognize shame and its impacts, and how to take steps to overcome shame. I highly recommend it.

 

@Patrick7269 — Thank you for reviving this thread. It’s very interesting for me personally to read my own post here, written my first day on EC. I have made progress, yet in a way that I had not anticipated. My experience with my friend, although not exactly what I would wish for, has settled into its own routine, and I am able to accept him as he is. I can now recognize that he also is on his own journey. In some small ways, I think I am actually more accepting of myself and my gay sexuality than he is, and he has been a active gay man his entire life. I would never have imagined such a thought when I first met him almost 2 years ago now. Thank you again, for this opportunity to reflect on myself and my journey.