It has taken me a long long long time to realize I am gay. I realize that this message board has been a great resource- my most important one... but it's not enough. I have tried to come out - came out to a couple of people last year, but went back in the closet Covid didn't help. I sometimes get the feeling I will never overcome the shame and the shame leads to denial and rationalizations. Ever since coming here, and even beginning to accept myself, my gay fantasies have intensified I used to say I liked looking at women - and i do - their clothes - but I now have realized I am actually disgusted by the idea of touching them sexually. My gut reaction was to be happy about this because I was always telling myself I liked looking at them so I am not gay... I felt this was a pretty important shift, but it doesn't seem like its enough. Honestly, I just feel like a coward right now. I know I am gay, but ashamed and afraid of it. Sorry just venting.