Timing and Options

Please, please, please ignore what that therapist said and find an LGBT non-religious one. Everything he told you is wrong. You deserve to be happy.

 

Hello again

It would be great if you both become survivors from this.
If not careful your husband could become a victim. I think you will need to encourage him into counselling/therapy, just for him.

I have had counselling since leaving and I'm now living my authentic gay life. I just wish my ex wife had done the same. She isn't a victim but counselling would have empowered her. She may not now be dating a complete waster, but that's her choice!

 

I had a hard time trying to respond to this thread. I wanted to be helpful to you as you have been to me. I am not sure how well I can do that. Not going to lie I was really hoping you could work your situation out. Maybe I can share some insight and I don't know hopefully help you probably understand your husband a little better and maybe even the situation some. If I had to guess I'd say I think his anger comes from a place of not wanting to loose you. Your are his world. And now his world is crumbling. There is nothing he can do about it. He can't save it. he can't make it better. And he desperately wants to, but knows ever move he makes is the absolute wrong move. He doesn't want to loose you out of his life. He doesn't want to loose his wife at all. He wants you look at him the same way you did the day you both said I do to each other.

The best thing he really can do is lick his wounds and try to pick up the pieces. he needs to find out who he is again. Same as your trying to find out who you are he needs to try and do that for himself. I say this because for the first time in ages I been doing this. When my wife came out to me it felt like a break up. Now even though she promises me now that will never happen I told her I can't help, but feel that way currently. I told her point blank. I can't imagine my life with out you. Then it occurred to me. I don't even know who I am any more with out you. We have been a part of each other for so long the idea of a me with out a you never once occurred to me. The idea is terrifying to me. People don't get married to divorce. They get married to have a life partner and best friend forever.

So I started my own self journey of trying to remember who I was before her. She's noticed the changes sure. And it's not even anything major. At least I don't think it is. For example the first time in years I bought some new clothes and didn't ask her if she liked them or not. I used to always buy what I'd think she'd like to see me wear or thought I looked sexy in and ask her first before buying them. This time I didn't. I bought what I liked. What I felt good in wearing. It's little things like that I have been doing to try and pick back up my own self esteem. And I told her if it goes bad I already know I'll be in shambles because of it and picking up the remaining pieces, but I do not want to not know who I am anymore. I already know who I am with a you, but I have no idea and can no longer remember who I am with out a you. I don't know who I am. So I need to go find that guy again.

She first took it as me having a doom and gloom attitude about it and giving up on us. I had to correct her and let her know this is solely about me. Not us. Just me. You have your journey you have chosen to go on. Now it's time for me to choose mine. The only difference is I don't have issues with my sexuality to complicate matters. I am merely and simply trying to remember who I am again as a individual. Told her it was like one of the things I told her when we met as friends dealing with some life issues. You can't take care of someone else until you have taken care of you first. So if I don't do this I am no good to anyone.

Your husband needs to relearn who he is with out the you. Whether that is to be a better husband or friend or whatever the relationship turns out to be in the long run. Maybe if he does that things will improve between you two. I would certainly hope so. I wish you all my best and even if your marriage doesn't work I really hope you two can keep a strong friendship eventually after all the wounds have been healed.

 

I hope you remain friends for the sake of the children. They will need stable adults around them and to know they are loved.
I've been sort of in your shoes but as a gay man who was married to a woman. My relationship with my ex wife hadn't been good, I left in November and we're finally communicating a bit better. I can't have a clean break as I have three children with her! And I'm a responsible father. So some sort of working relationship has to be built when children are involved.

 

Hi Late Bloomer. I certainly relate to a lot of what you are saying. My kids are 9 and 11, and I feel like in my head/in fantasy, I am now 90% gay and 10% straight. I don’t have the strongest desire to have sex with my wife, but if she expressed interest/willingness, I could perform, enjoy and be present.....and then I would return to the thoughts that no longer go away.

I feel like the leaving the door open to any possibility of remaining together is one of the things that keeps me from truly accepting this part of me. Like only getting divorced or officially separated will allow me emotionally to experience being fully with another (gasp) guy. I also know that I’d probably be interested in being with other women too.

I could afford another townhouse in the same community. I often think of moving ahead and just doing that. And then I wonder whether I’d be able to handle that. Is that something you could do/live with?

 

Sooner is always better, ALWAYS! Don't wait any longer. Live the life that bring you happiness. Many of us now know that we should have left long ago.

 

I spent a year living separately from my wife (last year). We were having major communication problems that (to some degree) have spanned our entire 17 year relationship. Truthfully, there were a lot of times I really enjoyed being alone, or being alone with the kids. I also experienced a lot of pain and loneliness, but I’m proud that I was able to sit with that and not be completely overtaken by it. I hooked up mainly with women and one man during this separation.

I spent a lot of my time at my old house, often sleeping over, so there was the pull of the familiar. That pull led me to moving back in. I said that I wanted to a) improve communication with my wife and b) continue coming to terms with my sexuality. I am doing better with a, but I often feel challenged with b. I have significant walls that I have built that can keep me from feeling good about being with a man. I have been disgusted with myself that this is a desire I have, and it can be hard to put into context for me.

I know that I’d continue to make my kids a priority if I made things more permanent....its the uncertainty of what things would look like for all of us, and my fear of truly accepting this part of me that keeps me from doing that.

It seems more rare that women have this kind of shame about their same sex desires than men, and sometimes I wonder if that’s why I actually want to talk more with a woman or a lesbian or bisexual woman. Or maybe I’m a lesbian in a man’s body.

 

I left my therapist 2 months ago for comments less insulting than does but she had the same mind set. I am so in the same boat as you. Almost to the last T. Right now, creating a little of space has help. Trying to be honest without being hurtful it's also helping. Finding this space it's also helping realize I'm not as along as I thought I was.

 

Get another therapist, that guy sounds like the worst therapist in history

 

I am thinking I will. I feel like my happiness is not important. Staying in a marriage, adhering to God's way, is what I should do. I am trying to stay in my marriage, and there are things that do make me happy, but overall, i feel like there is always a missing link. But do I go after it if it means breaking up my family? I just don't know

 

I enjoyed reading this thread- I have been in a very similar situation for the past year. I left my husband a few months ago, but we did have other issues besides me realizing that I'm very attracted to women, and have been my whole life. My husband was so mad that I left, and devastated, and hasn't been taking it well at all. He insists we could work on the other issues in our marriage, but somehow he figured out that I have had this crush on a friend of mine, and confronted me. I couldn't deny it. So, he knows, but still says he loves me (even if I'm a lesbian!) and wants our family to be together (we have a daughter).

How did I decide to leave? It wasn't an easy decision, but it didn't take me long to figure out- a matter of weeks. It also helped that I had been unhappy with a lot of things in our relationship for years. In the end though, I realized that I couldn't stay with him while living a lie, and having this huge crush on my friend. It just wasn't right. Even if I never end up with her, I couldn't maintain the illusion of our happy (or not so happy!) homelife while longing to be with someone else. It just didn't feel right.

Sometimes I feel guilty about leaving, and I have moments like "Oh my god, what have I done?" but those moments are few and far between. My parents don't even know (but they may suspect!) that me having feelings for this woman was part of the reason why I left, but they've supported me every step of the way in leaving him. He was emotionally/financially abusive to me, and also I found out at Christmas that he'd been seeing a girl behind my back (I broke into his phone and read his texts)- though he said nothing physical ever happened between them, they'd met a few times a year for dinner/drinks, when I was out of town for work.

I feel for you guys who have somewhat happy home lives, and struggle to disrupt it all. I can understand that. But what do you really want in life? As others on this board have said, what do you want to remember when you look back in 50 years? A mediocre life? Look back and say "It was ok"? They say in life you most often regret the things you didn't do, than the things you did. There's something to think about.

Good luck to all...thanks for reading!

 

I’m in New Zealand where we don’t tend to ‘lawyer up’ quite so early, so hopefully my comments aren’t from a culture that’s too different.
But I just wonder if the solution isn’t just a good honest talk. I know that sounds naive, but I kinda also figure that if you got married, surely you’re close enough that you want the best from each other and can be honest and clear the air and give each other closure?

 

@Luria77 - I really appreciate this part of your response. I try to say this to myself as I struggle with whether to break up my family. It’s really hard to convince myself that I’ll come out on the other side ok, even as I understand that there is more happiness for me than what I’ve lived with for the last 20 years. It’s easy to believe in the sentiment but so hard to act on it!

 

That was actually what others have been telling me. I should have been much more clear on that. My family and therapist want me to suppress myself and to work on my marriage as God intended. That there is no such thing as true happiness until you get to heaven. That i should be thankful and feel blessed for what i have (two kids, a loving husband, a nice house).

And absolutely, our husbands deserve someone who will love them as much as they love us. I struggle with that a lot as my hubby loves me soooo much but i just cannot reciprocate that. I try. I am trying to get back to a place where i can love him again, but it seems impossible and i Feel so sad to not be myself. To not live my true life. My therapist and mom feel that what i have is an addiction to women. And that i need to find and create strategies for overcoming my addiction so i focus only on my husband. I told therapist then id have to remain in my house doing nothing. Not even watching tv because the "urges" are there all the time. I fell so trapped and lost. I am in a lose-lose situation. If i divorce him, my children lose ttheir intact family and their pure joy. If stay, i remain unhappy and with the constant feeling of something missing.

 

@TaraSc1315 I am so sorry your family and therapist are not supportive in this. I can understand where you're coming from- I was raised in an area where many of my best friends were very faithful, and I spent a lot of time at church- and so many times I heard the message that homosexuality is a sin. This might be part of the reason of why I am where I am today! My parents, however, don't believe that, and I can't imagine how difficult the decision must be for someone who is facing that kind of feedback.

Are there any LGBT centres you could go to for support, in your area? A therapist who isn't associated with a church? I think you are so strong for even acknowledging these feelings, and listening to yourself, and realizing what you need in life. Once you've figured that out, you're more than halfway there.