Timing and Options

I resonate with all the things that are running through your mind. I just came out to my husband this past week and before doing so weighed a kitbag if options including if I should speak with an attorneys first, what living situation I would prefer etc... it’s tough because you do not know how he will respond and therefore how you will ultimately navigate the relationship after telling him you want to separate. In some ways you will have to follow your gut. A lot of people recommend seeing an attorney or wishing they had afterward but again it’s what you feel is best. It’s food to be prepared for all possibilities. Maybe at the very least make sure you have copies of all the financials, bills, statements etc so if he is aggressive with terms you will have all the info saved for yourself. Think about what you want but it will also depend on what he wants. You might want to co-parent or nest with the home but he may not want that.

I’m at the very beginning of all this as I just told my husband this past week... we are not talking about separation right now and focusing on figuring out how I can explore and validate what I’m going through so I’m not sure what will happen for us. He’s trying to be there for me but also recognize at any time he can say it’s enough and want to end the relationship.

Good luck!

 

Ladies how do you know you are truly making the right decision? I'm sort of scared here. When I'm not thinking of women, I'm thinking of men or my husband - sex, building a life, etc.

Since we haven't been intimate for the last few months mostly due to him (long story about birth control and me being pregnant). I'm starting to long for him.

But when I think I'm gay I lose my desire completely. Sometimes I wish he would just leave me so I could figure this out.

 

Well, part of it is that I no longer have desires for my husband and don't want to be with a man. I have let go of the idea of being bi and have accepted that I don't have sexual feelings for men. I have them for women. It's now the social pressure I'm left to deal with. It is difficult to figure things out when you have an attachment that is important. Things definitely became clearer when our marriage fell apart and I was able to look back on a decade of adult life and realize that I really truly am a lesbian.

 

Ugh. Here's another one in the boat with you all. I too came out to my husband 4 weeks ago. He isnt taking it well. I truly feel like i may be gay. I told him im bi but i think about having sex with women alllll the time and i hate it when he touches me, kisses me, and tells me he loves me alll the time.

I talked to a therapist my mom suggested i see. I tols him how ive been so unhappy all these years and that my female urges are so intense that i cant control them. He said that i need to suppress my urges and desires for women to work on my marriage and that happiness sshould not be my goal. We dont eexperience true happiness until we get to heaven.

He said that my sexuality is a choice and is an addiction like any other addiction that i need to work at suppressing. If i give myself to God, i can find a way to be happy in my marriage and to let go of my desires for women.

I am so struggling with all he said. So im supposed to make others happy at the expense of my own? I am supposed to not live my true self/life because i chose to get married, and now I'm stuck?

God I'm so unhappy.

 

Sorry for the grammar errors. typing on phones sucks.

 

Hey @TaraSc1315

Welcome to EC! Lots of good people, advice and support here.

One thing I’d advise is to find a different therapist. Everything he’s told you is incorrect and completely unhelpful. Sexuality is NOT a choice and in no way is it an addiction. If you’re a churchgoer, find one that’s more lgbt inclusive.

Your desires for women sound intense and won’t go away however much you try to wish/pray them away. You are not stuck. There’s always a way to navigate any situation so that you get to a place where your happy and fulfilled.

Stick around. You’ll meet others in similar circumstances.

 

Ohhhh, I have been there! I suppressed my urges for so long. Whenever a cute guy walked past me, I would quickly turn my head and check him out -- if nobody was watching! People had to have wondered. My ex-wife said she never knew. I don't know how she could not know. This window salesman came to our house one time, to do a demo, and he was so hot and he was showing me something on this sample window and he was REALLY close, like his nipple was touching me through his shirt, OMG, I thought I might pass out or something!

 

It's a big decision if my ex wife hadn't started a new relationship I would have just stayed in the house and co habit. My kids were 6,10 and 13 when I left. I see them regular but really worry about them. There is no good time to leave. If your both very amicable that helps. We had arguments, I have been moved out 5 months but my children live with mum and her BF lives there. So he sees my kids more than I do! It's very hard. Just try and make it fare on the children and you will both need to show them lots of love.

 

Yep, I get that. I think it’s just anger at what feels like an unsolvable situation. Nobody knows what do to with their feelings.

 

I totally understand what you’re going through. This year would be my 30th anniversary. I’ve been struggling with my sexuality for some time and the thought of being intimate with my husband would make me cringe. I told my husband that I’m a lesbian 2 months ago. Luckily he took the news quite well and we are still amicable. We aren’t making any rash decisions right now but we are sleeping in separate rooms so neither of us are uncomfortable with our sleeping arrangements. He’s still in love with me so finds it difficult to sleep beside me and resist temptation but I’m so much happier with these arrangements. I haven’t dated anyone yet but I’ve been honest with him and he knows that I want to experience intimacy with a woman. We’ve agreed to live together until one of us decides it’s time to move on with a different partner. I did have people suggest I go to therapy to try to save our marriage. My husband is my best friend and we seldom argue or fight. There is no amount of therapy that can change who I am in order to save our marriage because the only issue we have is that I’m only attracted to women. I just say that I didn’t choose this. Who in their right mind would choose to be a lesbian and give up a 30 year marriage with their best friend? I’ve accepted that I am who I am and I need to do what’s best for me even if it hurts others. I have been a people pleaser my whole life and have always put my needs on the back burner. We only get one life so I’ve decided to take back control of my happiness. I hope things work out for you.

 

Thank you. Your words really help. I really should see a therapist who specializes in lgbt. Suppressing myself.makes me SO imsanely sad and hurt. Also, i feel like a bad role model for my kids. You are right- it is about being you and not so much about being happy.

To stay in my marriage will take so much work and i am so afraid of being miserable. I dont want to hurt my kids, though, so i feel like i am in an impossible position.

 

Such wise advice. My husband found out about a woman i am seeing, well not anymore, so I've had a rough day dealing with that. I am grieving. But my family thinks i am grieving my potential loss of marriage. But i am grieving my loss of that woman as we grew to have deep feelings for eachother, and for the loss of being my true self. I am choosing, for now, to work on my marriage, give my kids a "stable " family and to be a better person and wife. But that makes SO f ing sad. I am miserable and not sure i am making the right decision. We just moved into a new house in July that neither of us could afford on our own, so not only would the kids have to go through a divorce, but theys also have to move again!! I am in an impossible position. I made too many bad choices, but i just want to be me.