Time is pressure... I need to decide

Hi, okay so I'm not an expert like at all I'm new year and am not even sure about my own sexuality but you sound so desperate and I just feel I can't not answer you.

I read your story and I think you are quite simply romantically attracted to women and sexually attracted to men. I'm not really sure if you'd call it bisexual or biromantic maybe both?

Anyway maybe you should just tell your girlfriend that, that you're not sexually attracted to her ( or say women in general so as not to hurt her) but that you are romantically attracted to her. Then maybe at another point in time when she maybe processed this you can tell her, if you want as it is the truth, that you are sexually attracted to men yet not romantically so you'd never want to be in a relationship with them.

I don't know if this is of any help maybe a solution is like an open relationship for both of yous to satisfy your sexual needs. It sounds like the logical decision but then again it's not for everyone.

I hope this was at least somewhat helpful, like I said I'm no expert on things of a LGBTQ nature or even relationships in general it's just my common knowledge and I just felt I had to answer you. Good luck...

 

Or a " I blame Confoozed for everything" post:/.

Yes the acceptance part is suuuuper difficult especially when it feels it has come on suddenly.
But I don't think there will be any mistake made if you choose one maybe only when you act upon it.

When you fantasize about these sexual encounters with men do you see yourself as the same you are now? (I just want to make sure there are no transgender possibilities here like if you see yourself as the "female" during the acts). But I guess you don't have to be a female to be in the submissive position.

Do you think a dominant female that can dominate you in bed will satisfy you the same as the dominant men in your dreams? Or doesn't that sound appealing, a dominant female?

I guess another label could be straight but curious and asexual towards females.

If your girlfriend reeeeally loves you don't you think she'll understand especially if she understands it's not that you don't love her?

I thought so about the open relationship thing, even I am not comfortable with that, it just sounded like the most logical solution that fits your situation. But I guess one has to be very secure in your relationship for such exploration and also be a certain minded type of person but I agree it can be dangerous territory.

Yes I guess you'll have to discuss it otherwise you'll be forever feeling trapped and unhappy but maybe start small and slow?

Anyway I'm glad I could have been of any help thanks so much for your appreciation...

 

Glad you could laugh too.

Okay I see so no gender confusion just wanting to be dominated got it.

Maybe you should ask yourself if you can see yourself continuing like this, in secret/ unsatisfied, and still be happy for the rest of your life. If you're willing to possibly lose her and perhaps accepting maybe not being completely straight and pursueing men?

What do you think about simply asking her for a "break" from the relationship without saying why, so that you can explore and find out what it is you truly want without feeling guilty you're cheating on her? I mean I feel you're never truly going to know what's going on with you if you don't take the leap, and at least then you don't have to regret breaking up with her as you can return at anytime to her.

Yes I'm sure this must be very freeing for you but I can't help but feel I'm not the person to give advice:/ I mean I'm still young and have no relationship experience. I'm just using my judgement here but once again I'll try and be of as much help as possible....

 

Dude I really don't know. You're in a real pickle I have no idea what else you can do but I hope you'll figure it out and make wise decisions that ultimately won't backfire but make you happy.

I'm glad to be of help, good luck...

 

Years ago, when my ex boyfriend and I broke up and I met an older woman and became *smitten* but wasn’t sexually attracted her, my therapist said something interesting to me: most people feel complex emotions to people. It’s not black and white. I began seriously questioning my sexuality when I realized I was emotionally attracted to women. I am not sexually to all women, in fact I am primarily sexually to men, but the connection I feel to women is what I want. I don’t think straight people think about this. They’re systemically programmed to think “heterosexual.”

I know several people who are homoromantic. I think you should be thinking about yourself, what you want, and eventually if you feel your girlfriend fits those wants and needs.

 

There are terms, yes. I’m femme and I tend to be attracted to soft butches, so women who are somewhat masculine with some femininity. I recommend Jack Halberstam’s Female Masculinity, which looks at and transgresses the terms we project onto one another. Sexuality and identity are fluid. You don’t have to identify as anything if you don’t want to. ☺️

 

Remember that society is conditioned to think and feel certain ways. If you want to do something, then go with it as long as it doesn’t harm you or someone else.

 

There is a joke in San Francisco that there are no enough "tops" because practically every gay man is a "bottom," so your enjoying not being in the dominant position is very common among gay men.

If I were you I would probably break up with my girlfriend if I weren't married and had no kids ... especially after 11 years together and being only 30 years old. It sounds like it's time for you to explore (after all, you've been with the same person since you were a teenager).

if you don't want to tell her why then make up a vague reason ... or just tell her the truth ... Europeans are supposed to be very open minded (ein kleiner Witz fuer dich)!

 

Hi Himo!
I read your thread. I thought id write to also say that your story sounds similar to mine.
I was in a 7 year relationship with a man until I was 31 (4 years ago). I was deeply in love with him for a few years but we also rarely ever had sex which was due to me because I never wanted to have sex with him as I never really enjoyed it. I did however really enjoy kissing and cuddling with him and because of this I still thought I was straight. I was very attached to the relationship as we were very good friends but eventually I realised that I needed more as I want to enjoy sex with the person I am in love with.

I have finally come to the conclusion that I am gay. It has taken a very long time and I thought I might be bi-sexual for a while too. Like you I did not have many 'gay experiences' in growing up. I have come to the conclusion that I was expert at suppressing my gay feelings so much that I really was completely unaware of them until I was in my mid-20's when I started to feel sexual attraction for a lot of women in my life (friends/work) and I realised that I did not have the same feelings towards men.

I always felt romantically attracted to men and still am which confuses me a lot but I think it is just because this is what I have been conditioned by society to want. I also thought for a while that I just wasn't sexually attracted to my boyfriend and that is why I didn't want to have sex but I have tried quite a few times with attractive men since then and I know now that I just do not enjoy it after the kissing and now I realise I just need to stop forcing myself because I'm never going to find a man I want to sleep with.

Over these last few years i have learned that, the more I allow myself my gay feelings , it's a bit like a snowball effect. The more and more women I feel attracted to and the more I can imagine myself romantically with a woman too. I'm still not completely there yet and I am still very attached to the heterosexual life because it just looks so dam easy!! Also I don't have many lesbian relationship models to follow, but I am gradually getting more used to the idea that I will only ever be happy in a relationship with a woman.

I hope you find this helpful.

 

You're welcome, I know that it can feel so lonely when you're struggling like this. I think a lot of gay people struggle/have struggled with internal homophobia which helps to suppress their feelings. Lets face it the vast majority of the world is homophobic, this is why we need forums like this!

Good luck on coming to a decision. When I finally got the courage up to break up with my ex-boyfriend, he actually thanked me for doing it because he told me he was not happy in the relationship either but wasn't going to do anything about it. This I did not see coming because I thought he was more into the relationship than me! Now he has married someone else and has a baby - so things definitely turned out better for him.

 

I honestly don't know what happened to me either and how it took me so long to realise I'm gay. I did have some gay feelings at a very young age but I think I must have suppressed it so much that I totally forgot about it for a long time. At secondary school, I kind of had a feeling that I was different and didn't really feel like I fitted in but I didn't really understand why. I never fancied any girls at school. I never questioned that I was anything other than straight. I went through a long period in my late teens and early 20's not being really attracted to anyone very much and I thought I was just really fussy. It was only in my mid-20's that my feelings for women really started to become apparent to me and when I split up with my boyfriend I told him I was gay but he didn't believe me ( i think now maybe he didn't want to believe me) but then that made me question it again for a while and I kept on trying to meet other men but I just couldn't do it. I also tried to meet some gay women but the lesbian dating scene I'm learning is very difficult to break into so I wasn't very successful with this either.
1 year ago I went to some LGBT counselling, this really helped me a lot and really helped me to break things down and understand myself better- I would really recommend it if you have access to it in your area.

It's only really in the last 2 years that I have confirmed to myself that I am definitely gay. I think one of the things I realised is that I only find really ascetically good looking men attractive - my ex was very handsome. However, I am attracted to women of all ages/shapes/sizes.

Now that I have accepted this I feel so much happier and at ease with myself and I kind of feel like it's all falling into place now and everything makes sense. Very occasionally I see a good looking man and I start to imagine how great it would be to fall in love and have children but then I have to remind myself that I know that I just would not be happy with that!
I'm really excited to be part of this new community and I am starting to feel proud of my gayness.
The only difficulty now is coming out to people, I have told some friends but not my family. I'm slowly working up to this (!!!).

Another resource I have recently found helpful is 'Swtichboard' - an LGBTQ helpline in the UK run by volunteers who are also LGBT. Maybe you have an equivalent helpline your country. Might be helpful to talk this through with someone experienced?