I was active on this site three years ago. Was questioning my sexuality and came to the conclusion that I was a lesbian. Almost ended my marriage, but decided to stick together for the kids and try to rebuild. Well, its been three years and time for an update and some follow up questions. Positives - Family is intact, reconnected with my faith, relationship with husband much improved. We have a tolerable sex life but get along well as friends and parents. Longing for a lesbian partner has mostly subsided though attraction is still there. I suspect I'm really bisexual. Negatives - Anxiety and depression still present. Shame. Continued connection with LGBT community desired even though interactions often make me feel worse. Feeling of living a double life regarding my faith. So here's my question. I'm going back into therapy, it's been three years since I've felt ready to do so after dumping the therapist that encouraged me to leave my marriage. Is it plausible to expect some relief from the anxiety and shame while keeping my family intact? At this point I have no desire to leave my husband. I love him despite the lack of attraction. I simply want to go about my days feeling less sadness, anxiety, shame and fear.
I'm really sorry you're in this situation and have these negative feelings and issues. I deeply sympathise. My wife and I should never have really got married, we were not really compatible even though we didn't know it at the time. Our marriage became toxic and I became even more sexually and romantically incompatible, which made things worse etc. But we had reasons that kept us end,essay trying to fix what was doomed: we were good friends, we had a child, and we were Christians. But ultimately it was futile and it almost killed us. Being sexually incompatible, not finding each other attractive, not being able to meet each other's needs, it drove us somewhat insane. Our deepest needs for love and romance and sex weren't being met. Our solution in the end was somewhat radical honesty: we realised we lived in a queer platonic co-parenting marriage and decided to acknowledge that and allow each other to find romance elsewhere. We found ways to reconcile our faith and family to the change. I really hope you find whatever solution works for you, and allows you to be happy.
Well... What faith are you, exactly? Some are more forgiving than others. As far as longing for a lesbian partner, have you ever discussed this with your husband? In my opinion, a lot of problems can be solved with open and honest communication. Maybe your husband would be open to allowing you to have a lesbian lover, or for that matter, he might enjoy joining in. So long as everything is done with open communication and clear rules this is manageable. Keeping your family intact is up to you and your husband. Both. It's not all on you. You've verbalized your wants and needs, but your husband probably has wants and needs he hasn't expressed. If you are just going through the motions sexually he might not be getting much out of it, either. I would suggest sending the kids off one weekend, to a grandparent if available, or some activity or another, and take the time to sit down and have a frank conversation. Explain to him what your needs are, but also ask what his are, and brainstorm on how you both can meet those needs without breaking down the family unit. As far as therapists, I'd find a sex therapist that also does family or couples counciling. Individual therapy is great for individuals, but you aren't so much an individual right now, you are part of a unit. You need a therapist whose going to respect that. Another point to consider, is the kids. What would you do or say if one of your children were homosexual? Trans? Something else entirely? What message are you sending to them, that only perfectly heteronormative couples deserve families? Accepting who you are and dealing with that is the first step towards teaching them acceptance. I have nothing to say on Christianity, because I've read the Bible and formed my own opinions based on correlation of known historical fact.
Oh how I feel for you! I can relate to much of this! I have only recently identified as bi, also belong to faith group that historically is not accepting of same sex relationships, and have been in a difficult phase of marriage where at times I’ve wondered if we’ll make it for the long haul. I have some questions for you. You mentioned reconnecting with your faith, but also feelings of guilt and shame and duplicity. I don’t know what faith you ascribe to, but is there is a segment of it that is accepting of the LGBTQ community? I encourage you to find it. Working at a non-affirming church I can totally relate to the feelings of anxiety and not belonging. If i wasn’t dependent on the income I’d definitely already be in a place that is accepting. To have your faith, community and a big part of your identity at odds is so difficult. It doesn’t work to be trying to practice your faith while being afraid of the condemnation of others. Try to find somewhere they can co-exist. I think work with a counselor would be helpful, so long as it’s the right counselor. If you want to stay in your marriage but your counselor is telling you to leave...probably not the right counselor. I can relate to not wanting to think or sort through some of these things and having it ultimately make me more anxious or sad. I don’t know what the answer is, but I have found that in general the more I am open and honest (whether with friends, a therapist, or God) there is a decrease in my feelings of shame. Shame breeds in secrecy. I recently had a session with my therapist where I finally talked about all of my attractions toward women. Not generally, but specifically. I knew I needed to, but I thought it was going to make me feel horrible, question my marriage, send me down the shame spiral etc. but the most incredible thing happened - I was fine. And I realized I was fine bc none of that ruined my marriage. I can hold those feelings and experiences as true and also hold as true that I desire to stay connected to and married to my partner. It doesn’t matter if I’m never again attracted to another man. The only man I need to be able to be with is him. Which...btw is not some sizzling hot thing like it once was. But I think that’s a pretty natural progression in a monogamous long term relationship. We keep working at it. I could go on. I’ve done a lot of good reading lately that’s definitely helped our sex life in what I would consider to be a pretty huge absence of the feelings of attraction to my partner. Would be happy to share more if you can relate. I’m aware that this post is way too long already. Glad you found your way back here.
I'm glad you were able to have a frank and honest resolution to your situation, and I hope it is making you both happy! This quoted section of your comment most resonated with me. There are times that our present incompatibility makes me feel like something very basic is being unmet. However, other times I feel more affection and more at peace. It's only when I'm in a period of needing to force the affection when it feels the worst. Right now, it being the holidays, everything feels more romantic and I'm feeling okay. It's more in the humdrum times that I wonder, will I ever feel passion again?
I'm a Christian and at present am attending a Baptist church. Not southern Baptist, but a more inclusive branch. Women are pastors, but there's no clear stance on homosexuality. Part of me thinks I'd be accepted as a bisexual in a heterosexual marriage, but there's another part that worries I'd be quietly asked to keep it to myself. When I'm in dark moments I worry they'd ask me to resign in my role as a childrens volunteer. I have no basis for thinking they'd do this, but just the fact that I worry about it causes fear and shame. I worry a lot about what message this gives my kids, but I don't want to give up this church. I like the people I've met, what they do for those in need in our community and the world. I rely on how we support each other as Christians, spouses and parents. Perhaps I'd be better off in a more open denomination, but I feel like those are weaker on theology than I prefer. For me everything starts falling apart if I don't take the bible as trustworthy and inspired by God. My faith therefore doesn't allow for sexual relationships outside of marriage, and I've come to accept this as my burden to bear.
I relate to all of this very strongly! I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. It's a hard thing to come to identify as bisexual when already in a marriage you are devoted to. It brings me comfort to find someone else who is accepting of a more subdued passion in your sexual relationship with your spouse. I completely agree that this is a common thing even in totally heterosexual situations. In my opinion, this alone does not warrant blowing up the whole family. Others may disagree, but I can't abide ruining my child's family due to an unfulfilling sex life. All I'm looking for is peace, if not passion. I am accepting of my situation. I just don't want to be ashamed of who I am.
I have been through this over the last 3 years. I do find that at most every turn, confronting and challenging my fears and thinking through action has relieved my anxiety significantly. Small steps.......peace and love
I totally get this. And in my experience of a church has “no stance” on the LGBT community, it means their stance is actually not affirming. That’s how my church operates...in ambiguity. Which we tend to think is nice in theory...but can actually be really hurtful. Like for you, who has to worry about this situation and does not feel comfortable being open. I’m totally there with you. Some days I’m fine. Then suddenly I’ll have a Sunday where I’m just a wreck in that space. i think about the same thing with my kids. They are still young and far from any teaching on sexuality, but by the time we get there I don’t want to be in a place that teaches that same sex relationships are wrong. I don’t want to have to try to undo at home what is being taught by a leader at our church. What if one of my kids turns out to be gay? I don’t want them to struggle through as I have. I’m happy to talk whenever you want on these issues. I resonate with the complexity of the situation.
I am grateful that my Catholic religious programming wasn’t so strong....but I still don’t feel supported there. Feels a little too exclusive for me, and certainly no mention of the needs of the LGBT community among the many alms they are giving.... A bit off topic, but I am perplexed that a group like One Million Moms would boycott representations of same-sex couples on Hallmark. Do any of those One Million Moms have gay family members? What if one of their kids turned out to be gay? Just seems crazy. I certainly think I might have had an easier time accepting my desires had that been normalized in the media when I was a kid.
