1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Thoughts on separation

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Jul 22, 2016.

  1. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,832
    Likes Received:
    824
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi friends,

    The truth is, I've already made my decision. But what I really wanted and needed, and I feel I kind of lost my chance to have, was a bit of a thinking period, where this decision could gel, and make more sense to me. Where I could see the full picture and say confidently, alright this what I'm going to do.

    So I just want to use this space, if you all don't mind, to think about the things I would have been thinking about in that time.

    So what is it that I know, that I'm certain of?

    Well, guys, I'm gay.

    This may not be reason enough to some to get separated, while to others it's obvious that it means they can't stay in a straight marriage.

    Ultimately, for me, I've come to understand that this alone is reason enough. Because my full, complete happiness matters. Because being gay in a straight marriage, to me, means not simply sacrificing sexual or romantic fulfilment. It means sacrificing being a whole person. I don't want to live a half life anymore. I want to be able to grow and take healthy emotional risks and to be me. I need to actually be gay and live a gay life to do that. It has become a truth I now really understand.

    Another truth is, I'm not in a supportive fulfilling marriage in general. I need to be able to feel I can grow and be myself in general, and this marriage, my relationship with my husband prior to marriage, it has really limited that.

    And I want a partner. Even outside of being gay, I've never felt like my husband was my partner. I've been thinking a lot about this lately, and I wonder if much of that feeling, that lack of real connection has a lot to do with me, as a gay woman, being unable to really form that deeper bond with male partners (this is not a problem that's only occurred in my marriage).

    I suppose I'm glossing over some of the details about my marriage. It's been a very unhappy marriage honestly. No huge glaring wrongdoings from either side, just perpetually tense and angry and full of fighting. But the above points are kind of more the major points.

    I also know, that my daughter will be happier in s home where each of us happy as individuals versus one where our relationship is tense and ugly.

    So what am I struggling with?


    There's that part of me that struggles with - but is this *really* the best decision for my daughter? It's just a nagging worry, and maybe even a sort of grief over losing something I really didn't want to lose for her, that strong family unit, and the secure home with both parents.

    But there's also the practical aspects of what exactly would be best for my daughter, given that we are separating, that I know deep down in my gut that this is the right choice. How do I implement this change in her life in the most healthy way possible.

    First there's the challenge of really getting my husband to be rational and reasonable. And then if we are working as a team, I know everything will fall into place much better. We have so much history in not being kind to eachother and working together. How the f* are we going to do this?

    Second, there's the challenge of our differences in what we think is best for our daughter. And how do we come to agreement on them. We have huge decisions to make...which country we'll live in; whether to be close to my family or not. Moving out daughter across the ocean at this point to go to our support network or keeping her here in this place where she has her whole life sort of set up and settled? And if we make such huge changes, when?

    Then there's all the stuff that comes with creating and maintaining a healthy life and relationships with each of us for her once the initial parts of the divorce have been settled.


    Guys, this is all so difficult and scary.

    But it has actually helped a lot to write it down.

    Thanks for listening.(&&&)
     
    #1 baristajedi, Jul 22, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2016
  2. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,832
    Likes Received:
    824
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Sorry - I realise as I reread this, this post isn't clear if you don't know my background. The background is I have decided to separate from my husband, but wasn't quite ready to tell him. He sort of pressed the issue, and so I told him the conclusions I'd been coming to.

    And so now things are moving forward.
     
    #2 baristajedi, Jul 22, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2016
  3. SiennaFire

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 23, 2015
    Messages:
    2,157
    Likes Received:
    235
    Location:
    Boston
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You are telling yourself a lie. How can you build a strong family unit and secure home when the relationship between the parents is not a supportive fulfilling marriage where you consider him a true life partner?


    Even though you don't feel that you were ready, you are doing the right thing. No one is ever ready for the journey ahead, yet you've been gaining strength and power by taking increasingly larger baby steps while on the journey. The journey makes you stronger, and you are on the verge of breaking your chains ...
     
    #3 SiennaFire, Jul 22, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2016
  4. RosePetals76

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 2, 2016
    Messages:
    475
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Illinois
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I agree with Sienna, there is no strong family life based in lies. If you want your daughter to have a strong family life, it needs to be based in truth and honesty. She will see you as a stronger person for doing what is right and following your heart. As long as you do it in the kindest way. If you just walked out on everyone and never came back, that's a different story, but planning a coridial divorce and coparenting situation would show her a strong respectful woman to follow in the footsteps of.
     
  5. Katchoo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2016
    Messages:
    836
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Georgia, USA
  6. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    3,257
    Likes Received:
    1,481
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    RosePetals has put it really well. (*hug*)
     
  7. BrookeVL

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2016
    Messages:
    2,157
    Likes Received:
    293
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
  8. YeahpIdk

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2015
    Messages:
    967
    Likes Received:
    104
    Location:
    East Coast
    Hey Barista. Woowee, tough stuff - but I think you're moving into the clear.

    I haven't experienced anything like this, so I'm mostly sending you hugs, but also wanted to comment on what you say about your marriage in its entirety when you question if things have been tense because you haven't been able to form a bond. I want to say, yes, I think you could be right here. I was never married, but did have long term relationships with men, and things always felt unfulfilling. I didn't care about fighting with them. I was a constant "right" fighter. I never totally gave myself and my emotions over to them, and even though I didn't understand this at the time because I thought it was normal, I would think things like - "maybe I'm just not good for anyone and will never be in a relationship like others seem to experience." This is how I felt for years after I'd broken up with my last boyfriend, and then I met my trigger, and suddenly understood what intense romantic emotions felt like.

    This is something I thought about when I went back and questioned my romantic history once I started falling for a woman, and it's part of what helped me to make sense of everything. I, too, feel like there's a possibility that I cannot connect with men on an emotional level like I can with a woman. I am sexually attracted to men, sometimes. And I'm sure I could enjoy sex with one under the right circumstances, but there's something off when it comes to my thoughts about emotional intimacy with them. With women, or at least this one woman, I wanted all of her. Every little bit. I've never wanted that with a man, ever. At least I haven't. And it's something I don't want when I think about it. I don't say it can't still happen, but I don't see why it would suddenly come about now. Who knows. That is why I label myself as queer.

    Just wanted to add that because your thoughts surrounding that are not off. They're not even new! Many have felt like that.

    And regarding your daughter. This is totally not my area, but if you're happy and remain stable, I believe she will be the same.

    (*hug*)(*hug*)
     
  9. yuanzi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 17, 2015
    Messages:
    251
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Upstate NY
    barista, pretty much what others have said :slight_smile: It also seems to me that you are already decided on the matter but are not sure about how to implement it... Your situation is probably more complicated than many others' given you guys are from different countries. Have you discussed what things can/cannot be compromised or negotiated?

    Speaking of working as a team, based on my observation of my own family, it always gets extra difficult when one side thinks they have been unjustifiably wronged. Does this apply to your case...

    (*hug*)
     
    #9 yuanzi, Jul 22, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2016
  10. BrookeVL

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2016
    Messages:
    2,157
    Likes Received:
    293
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Just remember, both of you will be happier in the end. It may not feel like that some times, but you will.
     
  11. looking for me

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2014
    Messages:
    3,791
    Likes Received:
    869
    Location:
    on the Rock, Newfoundland and Labrador
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    ok so something kind of jumped out to me, probably because it parallels my story. that being stress and strife in your marriage before coming out. my ex and I had a tumultuous relationship for years and it was only after we split that I could really see the effect it had on my son. kids know, they see, they hear and they think; often taking responsibility for the problems and/of trying to be peacemaker. I can tell you from personal experience that kids thrive when that stress is gone, at least from one parent. I give him an accepting home, and his mom gives him stress..... so my point is, staying in a strive ridden family structure is not good for anyone, especially the kids.

    (*hug*)
     
  12. CapColors

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2015
    Messages:
    898
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    NYC
    divorce was the best thing for my parents and even as a kid i could see that. They married their soulmates the second time around. or at least much more appropriate people lol