Today as I woke up without an alarm, I felt happy. Half an hour later, still laying there, I remembered that today is Mothers Day. I remembered years of going to church on mothers day and crying the whole time, or avoiding church and crying, or forcing myself to show up even though I was 30 min late, crying, and leaving early. .... A few months ago, I finally gave up on religion and stopped identifying as Christian. Today I removed all the religious references from the About sections of my facebook page. It's now facebook official. Jesus and I broke up. As I kept chilling in my bed, hugging a cat, swimming in pillows, I was grateful that I finally dont feel a pressure to go to church and cry today. I shall instead rest in the hammock in my back yard. Snuggling back into my blankets, my brain decided to roll another thought out of the closet to myself. I told people that I cried on Mothers Day because singleness is hard and I do want a family. Though those things were true, I cried extra hard because I felt I could never manage a relationship with a man and I would never be allowed to be with a woman. And I couldn't explain that to myself, and certainly not to anyone else. Right now, I'm sitting on my back deck, which is one of my favorite places. The weather is perfect. Beautiful sun and shadows and trees and breeze and leaves. My favorite neighborhood kitty (I call her Xena kitty because she looks like a beautiful, strong, royal huntress) has been sitting in the grass for half an hour. Today, I am grateful that by luck, design, destiny, or something else, my coming out process does not involve a husband or children in my household. Though I still wish I had kids, I don't know if I could do this if I had to bring anyone else with me, especially kids who dont have a choice. I am grateful for my current status as single and childless. I am grateful that I now no longer feel like those statuses are fixed and unchangeable. Maybe someday. At the end of the song She Keeps Me Warm, Mary Lambert repeats the line "I'm not crying on Sundays." I know that I have fussed about crying a lot lately, but its nothing compared to the crying I used to do on Sundays. I remember getting ready for church and asking myself, are three hankies enough to get through church? Usually not. I'm grateful to not be crying today, or if I do, at least I feel like the tears won't go on forever.