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Thought I was okay, but It's creeping into my dreams

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by sabrinaa, Apr 11, 2019.

  1. sabrinaa

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    I am out to people here and there. I'm not deliberately hiding anything. It's not a secret, but it's not something I go around saying too often.

    BUT I have still not come out to my family at all! I had a dream recently that really hit how hard it hurts and it was terrifying!!

    I dreamt that my mom and grandparents were throwing me a party. I kept asking what it was for and no one would tell me! I figured out that it was to KILL ME!! The party was because they found out I was gay which meant I was defective which meant they were going to kill me at the party!! I woke up terrified after trying to escape the house in my dream.

    I thought I was okay, but obviously I'm not completely at east not being out. I don't think my parents or grandparents would have a bad reaction. I think they would be fine. Also, I am a grown adult in my late twenties and moved out so it does not matter anyway. It is still SO SCARY! I do not know what is holding my back and why I can't do it!!

    I feel like a small part of me feels like it's not real until it is real. I have NEVER been in a relationship with anyone, man or woman. Part of me feels like its not official until its official. My plan was to only tell my family when I HAD to. When I began dating a woman. But that is also not fair to her. And the fact that I have still never been with anyone makes me feel like "what if I am wrong about my attraction" so I don't want to come out and ruin everything until I know with absolute certainty. Even though I have been asked out by countless decent men and have turned down every single one because I did really care about men and it's kind of obvious, but I still wont accept it completely.

    Ugh I don't know. I just feel like I'm venting now.
     
    Unsure77 likes this.
  2. Emmareld

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    That sounds like a pretty horrible dream, I'm sorry you had to experience that. The mind can be kind of annoying sometimes in creating dreams that reflect our deepest fears.

    It's going to be scary when it comes to coming out, even if you feel they would be fine with it. It can be like public speaking, nothing bad is going to happen but the anxiety and uncomfortable experience of it will still be there. You can always tell them when you are fully ready and comfortable. Just take it one day at a time and be patient with yourself. The time will come for that.

    It's okay to vent.
     
  3. NewLife7

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    I've found that sometimes it's good to give yourself space... to let decisions of this importance make themselves when they are ready. No need to push. Does that make sense? I remember when making really tough decisions about my divorce, that I at times had to just make a "no decision" choice - to just let things go for the moment. Eventually, and in due time, they worked themselves out...
     
  4. nerdbrain

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    Hey Sabrina,

    When I was first becoming aware of my gay feelings, I spent so long thinking about my sexuality that it became very built up in my mind as this big dramatic thing. I also felt the need to announce myself as gay or bi or whatever to other people — in retrospect I see that this was because I didn’t accept myself so I hoped others would do it for me.

    For me, going to gay events and bars, talking to gay people in a non-sexual context, etc really helped take a lot of the anxiety away and look at the situation more realistically.

    Do you have any lesbian friends? Is there a way you can meet some gay people in a social setting?

    What I’m getting at is you don’t need to wait for a romantic relationship to define you. Go interact with some other people and just practice being comfortable in your own skin for awhile.
     
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  5. sabrinaa

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    I do have lesbian friends. It's hard because they just know i'm gay, but not that I'm not really out to my family or that I have never been with anyone or how uncomfortable I still am. I do find that the more I hang out with this group of friends the better I feel. It's just really hard because I am not open with anyone about my feelings and struggle with this. It's almost like I am in the closet to my queer friends about still being in the closet haha if that makes any sense?