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Thought I knew for sure, but now doubts

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by micheline, Dec 22, 2016.

  1. micheline

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    Hi everyone,

    I've been a lurker on here for a couple of weeks and it's been such a huge help. The clarity with which so many of you discuss such complicated and emotional topics is amazing and has given me so many ah ha! moments.

    The first time I seriously considered the idea that I was a lesbian or bisexual was two months ago. I basically had a "love at first sight" experience with a woman, which started me seriously thinking about my past, my relationship with my husband and my attitude towards men and women. This is going to sound odd, I suppose, but it has been very easy for me to accept the fact that I am a lesbian, and it makes me feel good, basically. It explains so much. Once it *finally* dawned on me, I thought maybe I was bi for about two days, and figured out nope, I strongly prefer women.

    Yesterday I spoke to my best friend of 20 years (the only person I've told so far) about my whole process, kind of where I am, what I'm going to do about this, and she has basically taken the wind out my sails, so to speak. In my mind, I have figured out that I am gay, but she asked me, "Can't you go back in that you can go through this process of discovery and still choose to be with a man and just acknowledge that there is also this part of you?" I know she means well, but it really just made me feel stupid, immature, and that maybe I'm taking this idea of being a lesbian too far, that maybe I'm just excited about it right now; it's new and fresh, and it will calm down.

    I guess what I'm asking is has anyone experienced that? Does it make sense that there would be an initial rush of excitement about discovering something in you that you've always denied, and having that cloud your judgment? Do some people initially think they are gay, and then once it kind of sinks in and becomes less of a big deal, you realize you are bi sexual or not as gay as you thought?

    I hope this makes sense, and thank you for any and all responses.
     
  2. HappyGirlLucky

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    I had a similar experience when I first came out just after figuring it out and was all excited to tell someone. I also felt really deflated because I guess I was hoping she would be as excited for me as I was for myself for figuring it out. It also kind of put me on the spot and made it seem like I had to be 100% sure, because in my mind it made it seem like it would be awful if I was wrong about it.

    The truth is that it doesn't matter if you are right or wrong, it is all just a part of your journey and your friends who accept you at first will also be fine with it if you change your label later. After my friend had time to digest the news and realized I was actually gay to stay she was really happy for me, she was just concerned for me at first and I guess didn't really know how to respond because she didn't see it coming. :lol:

    Your friend most likely just meant well as you said, don't think too much about it. If she supports you coming out as gay, she will support you if you later discover you are bi too! :slight_smile:
     
  3. claireh

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    Hi Micheline,

    I feel exactly like you. But with me it wasn't love at first sight, it was a colleague I fell in love it. It came even more on me recently when we we drunk after a party and we kissed- it was an amazing,lovely kiss. I constantly think about her,we work together and I want to tell her everything that happened, but she was so drunk she didn't remember anything from that night.And maybe for better as she has a girlfriend I have a husband. It's absolute madness. I am like you, excited but waiting to see when/if things will settle. My heart says tell her everything, my head (or the little brain that's left at the moment) says no.
    Let me know how you get on

    Claire
     
  4. baristajedi

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    Hi micheline,

    Welcome to EC! :welcome:

    I'm sure your friend meant well, but I think she doesn fully understand the weight of your feelings or the thought process you're going through. It can really knock your confidbece about your sense of self, that's how inwel when my (soon to be) ex husband minimises my orientation.

    But just remember like happygirllucky said, this is your journey. You know you better than she does!

    ---------- Post added 22nd Dec 2016 at 02:18 PM ----------

    *confidence, how I feel
     
  5. wrhinla

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    I have to say that, based on my own experience, yes, you can get caught up in the feelings of exhilaration. But for me it wasn't about love at first sight. I have wrestled with the question most of my life: gay? bi? possibly even straight. I was thrilled a couple of years ago, and came out to several people as gay. Then the doubts crept back in. I realized that I was bi. I dated women and there were one or two I could have seen myself getting serious about. When the second potential relationship ended in a rejection of sorts, I withdrew from the dating world and started to lose interest in sex.

    Then I started to watch gay porn again for the first time in a couple of years and was reminded how powerful my homosexual feelings are. And slowly but surely, I started to think that I would be happiest if I could just let go off whatever heterosexual feelings I had and just fully embrace my homosexuality. In the past few weeks, I have felt more and more strongly that that is the right direction for me. And I have been exhilarated all over again. I made New Year's resolutions about not turning back. I e-mailed them to a friend (and posted them in this forum). I have found myself thinking great it is to know for certain that I'm gay. I have been giddy with excitement.

    Yet this evening, while I was in the library doing some work, I noticed a woman at the next table, probably around my age, deep in her work, whatever that may be, and I started to think, "Wait a minute. Does she seem like the kind of woman I could be happy with? But hold on, don't forget I'm gay and just need to forget about all my heterosexual leanings." Too late. Doubts have crept back in. To buck myself up, I stopped at the last serious gay porn shop in West Hollywood. I bought a DVD and a few back issues of a now defunct magazine I used to masturbate to on a daily basis. I am still strongly aroused by it. I want desperately to let go of my heterosexuality. To say I don't need or want that anymore. But I don't know if I can.

    It's funny. When I was young I wanted my homosexual feelings to go away. But they'd always come back. Now I want my heterosexual feelings to go away. But they still come back.
     
  6. micheline

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    Yes, exactly. I have a husband to come out to before I do any sort of dating, so the pressure to know for certain before I explode his world is immense.

    I know in the end she will support whatever conclusion I come to.
     
  7. HappyGirlLucky

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    Yeah wow, I totally missed the husband part! I had just broken up with my ex for other reasons at the time so I didn't have the additional pressure of a relationship, let alone a marriage to deal with!

    It can take a bit of time to become sure of your label, especially when you come out later in life, but I would say your instincts are probably right since you came to the conclusion so quickly. I did not spend long thinking I was bisexual either, but then after that coming out experience I started waffling again until I came to the conclusion that I was just plain gay anyway. Just be patient with yourself if you start questioning again. :slight_smile:
     
  8. micheline

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    Hi claireh,

    Wow, that is such an intense situation. Is this the first experience you've had that has made you question? The thing about this whole "love at first sight" thing was that it had never happened to me before with a man or a woman. Within one interaction I was picturing us with a mortgage and 2.5 kids (yes, I have very heternormative values haha - might need to work on that).

    Even though the intensity has certainly cooled, the idea that I could feel something so intensely for a woman made so many things about me that I had dismissed or repressed make sense.
     
  9. micheline

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    Maybe I'm simplifying it too much, but this statement, to me, means an awful lot. Wondering about one attractive woman in particular might mean you are not 100 percent gay, but almost no one is. I have been with a man for 10 years and haven't been complety miserable with him; I don't think that makes me definitely not a lesbian. Maybe you could live with that woman and be not miserable, but I think we're all looking for something slightly more fulfilling.

    Anyways, I read your post about you feeling like you have reached a conclusion, and it made me very happy :slight_smile:
     
  10. CROSSY ROAD

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    Do you know how many times my mother has asked me to do this?
     
  11. micheline

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    Ha I'm going to go out on a limb and say quite a few. In my head I'm like...um because what if I conclude I'm a lesbian? Which I'm basically telling you I am?

    Sigh.
     
  12. CROSSY ROAD

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    She is Mormon. She is all "you can suppress those feeling, and choose a more spiritual life" and I'm all "NO I like females and males."
     
  13. claireh

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    Hi Michelin,

    This is not the first time I have feelings towards a woman. I had some in my early 20 but nothing happened as the girl wasn't gay and she is still my best friend.But now with my colleague I feel swamped by this feeling,I liked her from a year ago,especially when I knew she is gay.But this kiss just put everything on a different level,I just can't stop Thinking about her.at the same time I don't want to hurt my husband.I don't want to tell her how I feel as I don't want her to reject me and shut me out of her life.So a very tricky situation,don't know what to do.
     
  14. findingjoy

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    Yes this was my experience - the incredible rush of excitement, but then it freaked me out and I got really really scared. I think the 'rush' comes with finally admitting or confronting or acknowledging something that was such a powerful emotion but something that I was ignoring.

    But I never considered myself bisexual the more I accepted myself the more I realized my 'attractions' to women were neither romantic or sexual. The more I accepted myself I realized I looked at women the way other (straight) women do.

    I still do have sexual urges or fantasies about women once in awhile but I have realized that I am more fantasizing about what they are doing to a guy or what the guy is doing to them.

    ---------- Post added 25th Dec 2016 at 10:50 AM ----------

    Yes! at some point this just clicked for me too. I WANT to be gay and I saw those hetero feelings as getting in the way.

    Yes this this why I don't consider myself bi. The attraction to women is mild nothing like the rush of emotion and intense feeling as when fantasizing about a guy. And I can't say its just thrill seeking or looking for a bigger high because I don't have to get into more intense fantasies to feel that way.


    I am starting to realize I look at women the way gay guys do - admiring the femininity ,their style but its not sexual. But I do find myself doing this sometimes and like you I just want it to go away now!

    Yes. Even six months ago when I first came out here, I never thought I would be feeling this way; but I just want to shed those hetero feelings, they are getting in the way -
     
  15. Mr B

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    I am going through something similar right now. Aftef realizing I was gay last year and coming out to my partner a couple of weeks ago, I am starting to think that I might be bi and maybe our relationship can survive and our family can stay together. We got twice to the point of envisaging a life apart from each other and sort of coming to terms with it, but then, instead of going that way, it was like a fresh start and it totally rekindled our relationship. Its now like we are in love again like when we just met and I look forward to spend every minute with her and makes me think: why should two people who love each other part ways? Maybe I am going through some denial phase, however, what I am feeling for her seems just too real as well. It makes me think that maybe there is a lot of cases where there is a lot more fluidity in sexuality and gender as commonly acknowledged, it is not without a reason that there is a Kinsey scale, I think people who are and were always 100% Hetero or 100% Homo are rather the exception. In addition there are some many different components to a good LT relationship. I am beginning to embrace this fluidity story.
     
  16. findingjoy

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    When i first came out to myself, i wanted to 'save it' for that special guy , but now I realize I was just procrastinating, I needed to fully immerse my self in my homosexuality. There are times you just want to dive in but I realize its more than that,we have to start living it. So I now see the wisdom of doing this.