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This is the worst thing my mom has done YET

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Kevin k, Mar 9, 2019.

  1. Kevin k

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    So I was just now getting ready to go pick up my boyfriend from his house for a (planned, and cleared) sleepover. I guess my mom knew I was having a friend over for the night, but didn't know who. So as I was just getting my coat, I told my mom I was going to pick him up, saying his name, and she forbode me from seeing him! She won't let me leave the house! This is getting rediculous! I haven't seen him in over a week, and I'm getting lonely! I'm thinking about sneaking out tomorrow night when she's asleep, what do I do?! What if it gets worse with her and she NEVER lets me see him? Please help!
     
  2. Mirko

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    Hi there! Sorry to hear that your evening ended up in this way. Not sure what the background is, but did she give you any reason as to why she forbids you seeing him?
     
  3. Kevin k

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    If you've read some of my other posts, you'll know my mother does not approve of my homosexuality, and she does not like my boyfriend at all. She never makes eyes contact and tries to avoid conversation with him at all costs, even going so low as to try and talk to me about girls shed like me to date, while my boyfriend is just feet away. It's bad. But now I can't even see him? What did I do?! :'(
     
  4. Mirko

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    I went back to your earlier thread/posts and as hard as this is, your mum will need time to come around to it. As much as you needed to come out to yourself, and to your boyfriend, she also needs to come out as it were. It is the case at times that when a child comes to out a parent or parents, they go through the stages of loss; from the sounds of it based on what you have mentioned so far, your mum is still working her way through the first stage, denial. There might already be some anger in there as well - the second stage of the process she needs to walk through.

    Bringing over your boyfriend, wanting to spend the night with him, it can bring out reactions in your mum that might not be even present once she has accepted it for herself. As odd as it sounds, but your boyfriend, having a boyfriend is the proof that basically says to your mom that her wish of you dating girls is not going to be fulfilled. The hope is gone.

    The last thing you want to do is going over tomorrow or sneaking out and spending the evening with him. As hard as this is, as frustrating this is for you, give your mum some time; let it be for this weekend. Try to get together with your boyfriend sometimes during the week. maybe after school when you go home, or if possible see him at school.

    You want your mom to come out of the initial stages and for that to happen, try to be there for her and speak with her; show her that nothing has changed about you and that you are still the same son, person that you were before coming out. She needs that reassurance. You are the one that can provide that by speaking with her, and not being rebellious.
     
  5. Chip

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    This is hard, because it's clear that your mom is in denial, and desperately hoping to convince herself that if she talks enough about girls, you'll come around. Of course, this isn't going to happen. But her denial is part of her process of coming to terms, and unfortunately, she's impacting you with it.

    Can you have a sit-down and basically say something like "Look, I know you don't agree with my liking guys, but it's who I am, and it isn't going to change. Forbidding me from seeing any guy that I happen to like is not going to make me straight. I know this is hard for you to hear, but it's the truth, and if things continue this way, all you're going to do is alienate me from you, and neither of us want that. So what can we do here? "

    Another thing: I notice you identify as bisexual on your profile, but as homosexual in your post. If you originally came out to her as bisexual, and have since figured out you're unlikely to be dating women ever, then it might make sense to include that message with the other one..."I know I said before that I was bisexual, but I've thought about it a lot, and realized I have no attraction to girls. So I'm gay, not bi", and again, that's not going to change."

    This is likely to cause a blow-up, or outright rejection, but what it may do is force her out of denial (the next stages are anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance, though not always quite in that order.) And hopefully she'll come around. How long has this been going on?
     
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  6. Kevin k

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    I've been dating him for 2 years this month. My mom's known about it since June, but I did previously tell her I felt like I was bi a year or so before that. I've only had him over at my place once before, which resulted in a large scowl on my mom's face when I walked in the door with him. I got a lecture when he was in the bathroom. I usually stay at his place since his parents don't seem to care about him or what he does, but his grandma was over this weekend, so it wasn't going to work to stay there this weekend. Like I said my mom freaked when I told her who I was picking up. We don't go to the same school so I really only get to see him in the evening, and during the week, we have to get up early and get ready for school, so we don't get time to just be together. Sorry again for the long response, I tend to rant when it comes to my mother.
     
  7. Broccoli

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    I don't know how old you are, but your posts imply that you are living at home quite young (under 16?). If that is the case, many parents wouldn't be happy about 'sleepovers' with boyfriends/girlfriends of whatever gender, so this may be a large part of it. May be completely wrong if you are older but just thought I'd throw the idea out there!
     
  8. Mirko

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    Don't worry about the long response. Even though there is a history of your mom not reacting well when she sees you with your boyfriend or knows whom you are going to pick up, it would still be worthwhile to trying to sit down with her, talking with her about wanting to be able to spend time with him. When you find a moment to do that, give it a try.
     
  9. Kevin k

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    I'm 17 next month