I'm in a very mellow, calm mood today. I can't remember the last time I've felt this way. I didn't really stop to think about this feeling until now. But thinking about I would describe it as a feeling that everything will fall into place, that I'm going to set the right changes in motion, that I'm going to do ok in all of this. I haven't really stopped to think in a long time just how much progress I've made. I have a long way to go, but I'm realising that in a lot of areas in my life I'm starting to feel I can talk freely about being queer. Not all, but these areas are increasing. I talked at length with a friend of mine in a cafe yesterday about being in the questioning stage between bi and gay. I'm looking forward to going home to my family, to be in this familiar space, where I can let all the pressures of outside voices melt away. Just to be surrounded instead by the support and love of my family. It doesn't matter that my stepmom would never understand me being queer, and it doesn't matter that I am only just now planning on coming out to my Dad, and I don't really know what he'll say. It's still a place of comfort. But I'm also starting to feel confidence to put myself in positions of discomfort, I'm planning to go to a gay bar while I'm back home, and I've already made plans with my friend here where I currently live to go to a gay bar. Becoming more comfortable with flirting, with telling my story to people I meet at meetups. And the marriage decision, it's all starting to seem like a decision I know I can make. I am examining this decision in a way that makes sense for me. My husband and I are trying to understand each other's perspectives better. We've decided when I get back we'll read various things that help us to express the things that resonate with us, about women who've left their husbands when they realised they were gay, about mixed orientation marriages, about polyamory. My husband's starting to understand my side, and he's even starting to open up to me about things about himself he's never shared before. It sounds like a slow process, but it's starting to feel for the first time like the right process. Thoughtful and honest. And I think the key to being sure that I do things in the right way is to confront all my personal fears and keep growing into a better understanding of what it means to me to be queer. To get in touch with the feelings I have for women, by being with women. By growing to feel more pride in who I am, less shame and fear; by opening myself up to being vulnerable and taking risks - by doing those things I know that I will build the right kind of confidence and certainty to make decisions that are right and true to me. Growing in that way means coming out to my dad, it means approaching and expressing interest in a woman/women. It means not being afraid to let others know about me being queer, whether it's an old friend or a stranger. I'm starting to feel like I know I can do this. That I'm going to reach that point in my journey where I have confidence and pride, where I know what I need and what makes me happy and I fight for it, and where I am true to myself. I don't know why I know this, why now. But I'm starting to believe in myself.