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This is the calmest I've been in a long time

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Apr 12, 2016.

  1. baristajedi

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    I'm in a very mellow, calm mood today. I can't remember the last time I've felt this way.

    I didn't really stop to think about this feeling until now. But thinking about I would describe it as a feeling that everything will fall into place, that I'm going to set the right changes in motion, that I'm going to do ok in all of this.

    I haven't really stopped to think in a long time just how much progress I've made. I have a long way to go, but I'm realising that in a lot of areas in my life I'm starting to feel I can talk freely about being queer. Not all, but these areas are increasing. I talked at length with a friend of mine in a cafe yesterday about being in the questioning stage between bi and gay.

    I'm looking forward to going home to my family, to be in this familiar space, where I can let all the pressures of outside voices melt away. Just to be surrounded instead by the support and love of my family. It doesn't matter that my stepmom would never understand me being queer, and it doesn't matter that I am only just now planning on coming out to my Dad, and I don't really know what he'll say. It's still a place of comfort.

    But I'm also starting to feel confidence to put myself in positions of discomfort, I'm planning to go to a gay bar while I'm back home, and I've already made plans with my friend here where I currently live to go to a gay bar. Becoming more comfortable with flirting, with telling my story to people I meet at meetups.

    And the marriage decision, it's all starting to seem like a decision I know I can make. I am examining this decision in a way that makes sense for me. My husband and I are trying to understand each other's perspectives better. We've decided when I get back we'll read various things that help us to express the things that resonate with us, about women who've left their husbands when they realised they were gay, about mixed orientation marriages, about polyamory. My husband's starting to understand my side, and he's even starting to open up to me about things about himself he's never shared before.

    It sounds like a slow process, but it's starting to feel for the first time like the right process. Thoughtful and honest. And I think the key to being sure that I do things in the right way is to confront all my personal fears and keep growing into a better understanding of what it means to me to be queer. To get in touch with the feelings I have for women, by being with women.

    By growing to feel more pride in who I am, less shame and fear; by opening myself up to being vulnerable and taking risks - by doing those things I know that I will build the right kind of confidence and certainty to make decisions that are right and true to me.

    Growing in that way means coming out to my dad, it means approaching and expressing interest in a woman/women. It means not being afraid to let others know about me being queer, whether it's an old friend or a stranger.

    I'm starting to feel like I know I can do this. That I'm going to reach that point in my journey where I have confidence and pride, where I know what I need and what makes me happy and I fight for it, and where I am true to myself.

    I don't know why I know this, why now. But I'm starting to believe in myself.
     
    #1 baristajedi, Apr 12, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2016
  2. Bazinga87

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    That's wonderful news baristajedi. You got this girl. We are all rooting for you.
     
  3. CapColors

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    Excellent. I'm glad to see you are coming along in your journey! I was wondering how it was going for you.
     
  4. wanderinggirl

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    Yes!! You got this. I'm glad you're taking a moment to look back and acknowledge how far you've come. You're doing alright, you just need to remind yourself that.

    High five!!
     
  5. baristajedi

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    Thanks Bazinga, Cap and Wanderinggirl (*hug*)

    Cap - I've also been wondering how you're doing! It's great to see you on here again. :slight_smile:
     
  6. dinosaur34

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    Thank you for sharing!
     
  7. CapColors

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    It's interesting, we have both been kind of on a similar path even while we haven't been on the site at the same time.

    I recently decided (like two days ago haha) that I was FOR SURE going to be with a woman, at least once, and see how it goes. I know that people believe you can "just know" but for me the experience is essential.

    Goddamn it why wasn't I sluttier in college?! It's maddening, really.
     
  8. baristajedi

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    Always happy to share :slight_smile:
     
  9. afgirl

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    That is a wonderful feeling when you have that epiphany that everything is going to be just fine. There was some point when I was so very afraid of all this while I was processing it. And then...boom. Yes, it's a great feeling.

    I guess the feeling when you are facing all this is, "Is this really worth it?" and the answer is a resounding, "Yes!" because you are finally embracing who you really are. I do the same thing, really....looking back over this past year I am a completely different person than I was at this time last year. Yes, the path is different, but they're all going to be different. I'm glad you are moving forward and growing.
     
  10. baristajedi

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    I think the biggest difference between our situations is that I'm really questioning my marriage. It's not been a satisfying marrisge for almost the whole time we've been married, so the closer I get to feeling gay, the more I lean to separation. But my husband's been bending over backwards in the last several months trying to meet my needs and to understand these needs as well. So I'm starting to feel like it's going to work out - that we may end up with a very amicable separation or I guess the only alternative I'm ok with is an open relationship.

    I decided, like you, that I will be with a woman, no matter what path my marriage takes. It's not negotiable for me at this point. And I want all of it- romance, connection, sex. But I'm trying to approach it as honestly and respectfully as I can. For me, I feel like I do just know, but the experience is still essential :slight_smile:, because I know the experience is important for me to live a full life.

    Cap, I'm starting to feel like the cliche bi until gay. Once I have real experience with a woman, I'll know more, but if I'm gay, I need to live a life true to me.

    ---------- Post added 12th Apr 2016 at 06:58 PM ----------


    Yes, it is worth it, right, we're worth it. In the end, I have to live my authentic life. Im still sorting out exactly what that means, but it's got to be true to me.

    I'm glad you're moving forward and growing too!
     
    #10 baristajedi, Apr 12, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2016
  11. CapColors

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    Yes, weirdly my marriage has become BETTER? I think he's expressed his love recently in a way that I find really wonderful. It makes it so confusing for me to be feeling like I still need more.

    I still feel like I'm bi, but I do think that I could be more interested in women right now than I originally thought. When my trigger crush ended so spectacularly (a post for another time; I'm still processing it), I realized that I would do anything to have her if she loved me. Which is not how I thought I'd feel at all. I thought I would be RELIEVED to be rejected but being rejected as a known queer person made me realize how sincere I am about living as a queer person in the first place. I kind of felt like...well, then, fine. I'll rise from these ashes EVEN GAYER.
     
  12. baristajedi

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    I know exactly what you mean, the more I learn about myself the more wonderful my husband becomes. And it's heartbreaking to feel like I have to keep telling him I don't think it's enough.

    I'm so sorry about your crush :frowning2:. It sucks to have your heart broken. And I know the gayer-leaning feelings make it more complicated in terms of your marriage. You're going to find a way to fulfill yourself and stay true to your marriage, but it's going to take creativity!
     
  13. CapColors

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    I hope so! I just thought that it would have faded a bit by now but like I said, I've become more convinced that this is something I need in my life, however collage-d together. I reserve the right to change my mind, but I don't think I will.