Sleeping next to my girlfriend, knowing it won't be the same ever. Wanted to have sex with her in the middle of the night like always, but nothing anymore. Just hugging instead. It was pointless and hopeless to try and be straight like I thought I was. Like I died. This is so hard to deal with. Really tragic.
If it helps any, doing the right thing often involves a dimension of tragedy. I have said elsewhere that we feel a loss twice as intensely as we do any potential gain. If you are at least aware of this tendency in ourselves to feel so strongly about loss, it may also help to think of what it will be like to be with a man that you can love as intensely, and probably more, as you love her.
You are not losing her. You are losing your view on what she means to you. She's not your girlfriend, but the best girl friend. But, honestly, is the sex the thing you value most in this relationship? Because that's the only thing you are "losing" here. Closeness, friendship, mutual respect, spending time together, being there for each other, all the things that strike me as important to you both from your posts here, these all remain. There is nothing that should stop you from being in a relationship with a man (and her with another man) while still being best friends. Your relationship goes further than its sexual component anyway. Of course it hurts now. There is a great loss in what you expected of your life. However, this is not the end of the two of you as a pair; your relationship will just be tweaked towards more understanding, more honesty (not just between each other, but of you towards yourself as well) and in the end: more happiness.
be carefull not to intensify the intimacy feeling you have for has as a way of not feeling where you are. try to accept your seperation from her. and then seperate from the intimate relationship. these intense love feelings . this intense intimacy, sole mate feeling . I hope that youre not holding on to the part of your life that feels most predictable by agonizing this change . sems that getting present to now will allow you to release her. for the good of all. every time you express this intensity of love you have for her , you add a new bar to the cage. take some time,close youreyes, breathe,... can you send some of that intense love feeling inward to you- keep well, your friend Lionel
Hi Musician - Just wanted to reply here to let you know I feel your pain. It's been about roughly 6 months since I came out to my gf of 8 years. Pretty much in the same boat as you emotionally. I been reading your posts and I've had a lot of the same struggle. I feel like I'm somewhat hanging in there and starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Lionel seems to have the right idea. What he is suggesting is what I have been trying to put into action myself but it's hard...I get it. Feel free to msg me if you want to exchange experiences.
You know the Maroon 5 song -- Daylight? These lyrics called to me during this process: Here I am waiting, I’ll have to leave soon, why am I holdin’ on We knew this day would come, we knew it all along How did it come so fast This is our last night, but it’s late and I’m tryin’ not to sleep ‘Cuz I know, when I wake I will have to slip away And when the daylight comes I’ll have to go But, tonight I’m ‘gonna hold you so close ‘Cuz in the daylight, we’ll be on our own But, tonight I need to hold you so close Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa xxxxxxxx(end of lyrics) And then the time came that I knew it had to end. All the best
Ok, I must say that you guys are completely awesome in your advice. Thanks. Here's how we're swinging this thing. I know I'm not fully gay. I'm pretty sure of that. So, I think what I need to let go of is the attachment to the intimacy between us. Doesn't mean we still can't have sex. I enjoy sex. I just need to let go of the attachment to the fact that we will have a family, be together forever, yada yada yada. So, we will live together for now as boyfriend/girlfriend as we make the transition. We are both aware that it will not be the same. It's cool. Our friendship/love is growing really strong right now anyway. So I'm fine with whatever, knowing that it won't match my fantasies or whatnot. At some point, we might have to follow our paths. She might need a man, so might I. And that's fine. We are ok with that. Right now, whatever the moment presents to us, we'll take, embrace, and love together. We are just like that for each other. It will be hard, but I think we are smiling together a little more today.
