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This can’t be me(?).

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by MarkRen, Feb 25, 2020.

  1. MarkRen

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2020
    Messages:
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    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hi guys

    I had an account here about five years ago, and I remember how nice it was to be able to talk about things that felt scary. Figured it might help again now.

    I was assigned female at birth, but always dealt with various levels of gender-nonconformity. My parents were very relaxed about it, but made it clear that I was a girl. For about a year in high school I lived for all intents and purposes as a boy. I wouldn’t admit it at the time. But I would only wear boys’ clothes, using male-gendered items, etc etc. I even considered switching pronouns at one point, but was discouraged by my therapist at the time and abandoned the idea. Eventually, the dysphoria I felt subsided somewhat, and I (along with everyone else in my life) assumes it must have been a phase. I fell back into my female box, and because of a lot of other difficult things happening during the next few years, never stopped to consider it seriously again.

    Flash forward to the last few months. It had been cropping up in my brain now and then, that old discomfort. And then when I started dating my current significant other, and he talked about his own gender questioning in high school, it all came back. I felt like I’d given up on the person I used to be, or was becoming. I started talking about it in therapy the last couple of weeks, and the way my therapist reacts makes me feel like I might be missing - or have missed - something so obvious. She tells me my depression won’t get better if I spend my life not being who I truly am. And I’m sure she’s right. We just sit there and talk about... how... I feel like a guy. All this stuff I pushed to the side, thought were just quirks or things everybody felt... when I say them out loud now, it seems so obvious. But I’m terrified.

    It’s not that my family or friends would disown me or hate me or be outwardly negative... it’s just that a lot of them are older. Late 50s and above. And they just don’t really understand any of that stuff. It wasn’t too big a deal when I came out as Bi - its a pretty well-trodden path at this point. But gender... that feels like a whole different animal. The few times I’ve spoken with my mom about it, she’s tried to be cool, but it’s so clear she doesn’t quite get it. Her questions aren’t mean, they’re just ignorant. My whole family is from a rural part of New England, this just... isn’t something that comes up. And it hurts to explain it. There are so so many other ways in which I feel like I have to explain myself, have to justify my existence. I can’t possibly add this. It’s too much. It’s too hard. But now that I’ve started thinking about it again, I can’t turn it off. It plagued me. I feel constantly uncomfortable, confused. But... this can’t be me. This isn’t what I expected. It’s not what I wanted. I thought I could ignore it. But it keeps... I don’t know.

    I’m sorry for the incredibly long, rambling post. I’m sure nobody will really read this or respond. But I needed to say it. Thank you.
     
  2. LaurenSkye

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2012
    Messages:
    1,167
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    142
    Location:
    Cincinnati, OH
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    All but family
    A lot of people here have felt the same way, myself included. I, like you, feel my family would not disown me regardless of their overall views on the situation, but the idea of telling them, explaining to them what I am is just so difficult. I can be difficult to understand sometimes, but you just have to go with what you feel is the right thing for you. Best wishes to you.
    :slight_smile:
     
  3. SilverWave

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2020
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    Massachusetts
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I've just recently started to look back on my life and question who I really am. This sounds a bit like what I'm feeling...

    Also I feel like this site is a great rambling spot. Feelings kinda just spill out here; so even if it feels like no one is gonna read what you wrote, you still have the benefit of getting things off your chest. I'm glad you took the time to write your experiences and how you feel!
     
    zuice likes this.