Thinking about my gender identity....

Hi
I just need to say some stuff and I don't know where else to put it. It's ok if you'd rather not read though. And it is a rather long post so I do get if you give up reading or something.... I, mudekf struggle to read the long posts people write sometimes. So I apologise, for that reason, for my post being long and for saying a lot of stuff.

I currently identify as non binary.
I didn't really know the difference between androgynous and non binary but I think I am grasping the difference- I believe non binary is when you don't identify as either masculine or femme and androgynous is when your physical identity, like clothes, hair etc doesn't fit the "norms" of femme or masculine representation ... And please correct me if I'm wrong?

A few weeks ago I was seriously debating if I'm transgender but someone said to me something that really hit me hard that I may just be looking for that magic do over (not in those words, but that's how I interpreted) and thst got me thinking. I know that that was partly the reason I wanted to transition (FtM) to start fresh, be a different person which is probably an unrealistic expectation because one life's not like that and two I didn't think about the pros and cons,I just saw pros. but there was honestly a part of me that thought I felt male but now honestly, I don't know what I feel...

I think maybe I am experiencing slight dysphoria because even though I feel like I'm not a woman (I was afab) there's still part of me... I guess that I feel is kinda torturing me.... there's still this niggling voice in me saying I am a woman. I don't want to be. But I am... I look at myself and I have a femme physical appearance... Breasts etc... I did get my hair cut short yes, and I don't wear skirts or dresses but then again I never really have. I don't wear revealing clothing ... Ugh what a thought!
And as much as I hate to be a woman, I can't help thinking I am. Which I don't want to be. And most people still refer to me as she and that tears me apart inside... Especially when they don't correct themselves. And another confusing thing, one of the people who works with me came in and said "alright my girl " as he always has, and then I think he realised he slipped up so he said "my boy" instead but neither felt right. And he did ask me what he should say, what the right thing to say is but I didn't know! I still don't know.

And when I first came out as non binary I felt empowered and I guess I had a new found confidence but now I feel... Idk.... I guess I feel lost. And broken. And confused.

And sorry, I know many of you are struggling with your own issues so I am sorry, especially if this made you sad or triggered you. Just idk, can anyone relate to what I said?

Thank you for reading, especially if you read all of it.

 

Thank you so much for reading and replying, and thank you so much for sharing that, I really feel for you and what you've been through. I really hope you feel better about yourself soon and if I made you cry or feel low I am so sorry.

I can't entirely relate to the childhood part, I was always one who played with Barbie's and Polly Pocket etc, not toy cars and such. But looking back I think I would've preferred to play with toy cars or something like that rather than dolls... Dolls make kids have such a narrow representation and perspective of how people should and should not be. Wheras cars are cars... They're cool.

I've always felt different as well, so you're not alone there.
I've always considered myself a tomboy though I guess I grew up liking mainly stereotypically 'girly' things and maybe to an extent I still do .. I'm not sure. But one thing I do know for sure when I was in school I always felt like that weirdo boy with long hair (though again. I was assigned female at birth). I actually have a feeling bullies used to call me boy sometimes, like as an insult. I didn't like it obviously and I guess maybe that's had an impact of how I'm questioning everything about myself, I don't know.

And me being quite a literal person, I don't really get how someone can not be who they were assigned as birth and physically percieve.... If that makes sense? Though yes I know, I am stepping outside that thought. I guess that goes back to the saying 'living outside the gender binary.'

I guess I am just very confused and unsure and filled with so much uncertainty and self hatred. And trust me, Rayland, when I think about how I feel about everything regarding myself, it makes me fee kinda depressed too... So I totally get what you meant.... And I know it's easier said than done to not think about it, but I am trying my hardest with myself.
I hope you are managing the best you can and if you ever need to talk I am here. Xx

 

Thank you for replying @Mihael, I understand what you're saying and can relate and @Rayland I can completely relate to you. And the phrase you used "it all just started eating me alive."
That's how I feel!!! These thoughts, these questions, it's so confusing. Like who am I? And why am I not feeling the gender I was destined to be?
(No offence intended to anyone, I'm just talking about myself here)

 

Thank you and I agree.

Though the trouble is.... I don't know who I am inside and the not knowing is tearing me apart. I want to be true to myself and my best self but how can I when I don't know who the true me is?

 

Thank you @Rayland. That is such an insightful and meaningful story. It is true too.

 

That's ok, it's not your fault.

Thank you, I'm trying. Xx

 

@Mihael thank you. Though I must admit I am not quite sure why you sent me a link to a feminist group. I agree with you it is not a race though.

 

Thanks. Just looked and read the comic. Appreciate it.