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Think I'm gay but don't feel attracted to any particular man

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by alex21, Mar 17, 2018.

  1. alex21

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    Hey all!

    I'm in a weird situation right now. I have good reasons to think that I am gay but I don't feel attracted to any particular man.

    Why do I think I'm gay ?
    • I love penises (could probably stop here, haha)
    • My first "relation" was with another guy. We didn't officially date but he was my best friend we had sex on a regular basis for 3-4 years. There was also a few other guys who participated in our activities from time to time.
    • Except for those first few years of my sexual life, I've only been with women and it always felt complicated and not very satisfying. Even if I find women more sexy than men.
    • I always felt different from other heterosexual men - my tastes were always a bit more feminine and I couldn't understand their urge to have sex with any woman.
    Given all that, I told myself: "OK, it's for me to experiment. If I really am gay, I've been living the wrong life for too long".

    But here is the problem: I can't find a man I'm actually attracted too. In fact, I can't remember having a crush on a guy. I never tell myself "wow, this guy is sexy" even if I think men are sexy.

    I've tried dating apps but most of the guys in there are too scary, too kinky or just not my type.

    I can think of a few times I've felt some level of attraction for a gay guy that seemed to flirt with me but I am (or at least was) way too inhibited to give into that.

    Does this make sense to any of you ?

    Where do I go from here ?
     
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  2. Nickw

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    Alex

    I'm confused a bit. You mentioned you had a best friend that you had relations with for 3 or 4 years and other guys joined you. Wasn't there some attraction with that? It would seem you may need something deeper than a hookup with a guy. What's wrong with that?
     
  3. alex21

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    Nothing wrong with something deeper, on the contrary.

    I'm sorry if this is confusing, I'm having a hard time to express myself so I gave unnecessary details.

    I guess my confusion could be resumed as such:

    I have all those gay fantasies but I can't seem to actualize them on a specific individual so I feel stuck.

    Is this something anyone else coming out of the closet experienced ? Or is it usually the other way around - having some attraction for a specific guy and then realizing you are gay ?
     
  4. Chip

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    What you're describing is actually quite common; it's likely your unconscious not being ready to fully embrace your attraction to men, even though it seems exceedingly clear that your attraction is to men and not to women.

    Most likely, as you simply begin to accept yourself, and acknowledge the attraction to men, you'll find that the attraction increases, and whatever level of attraction to women has been there will start to decrease. This is a phenomena that many men describe as they work toward greater self-acceptance.

    Perhaps the first step, rather than focusing on meeting a guy right now, is to work on accepting and loving yourself as a gay man. You might give some thought to what that could mean for you, what stands in the way, and start working from there.
     
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  5. pasinhose

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    Chip provides some very sage advice. Accept yourself first and that attraction to men will follow. Yes, we all like penises and that is a subject unto itself but you can just make a friend with someone or join a gay social circle or meet up. Just be yourself.
     
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  6. Caraldo

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  7. Caraldo

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    Sorry, lost connection and the reply I had made. Anyway, I went a long time not fonding men attractive very often after deciding I wasn't gay and truing to shut that off. When I couldn't deny the truth, I started fonding more men attractive. That being said, I am in love with a guy thst I never had any sexual or romantic feelings for until I had known him a few years.
     
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  8. spartafc

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    Yes, a thousand times this.

    @alex21 -- I totally relate to where you're coming from. I'm in a similar place; I'm not attracted to any one particular guy, and I hear you about dating sites. But I know I'm gay. Right now, that's enough for me. It sounds like you're in a very common place. I have been finding reading others' messages and stories on here very helpful, because I see that I'm not alone and what I'm going through and feeling is normal.
     
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  9. Filip

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    It was much the same to me, when I was just at the cusp of coming out.
    After so many years of suppressing it, lying, and avoiding any mention of it, I kind of expected to throw myself on the first gay guy to look my way after coming out, like a starved animal.

    But instead... nothing. Coming out was nice, and I gained so much support and friendship, but the thought of actually "doing stuff" with a man stayed a nice idea, while no one I met seemed to remotely attractive.

    In the years after, though, I discovered that attraction (to me, at least) is not necessarily a physical thing. It comes more from actually interacting with people. Of course, it helps if a guy is at least vaguely attractive, but to actually want them, it's necessary to get to know them a bit better. To talk. To flirt. To share some moments.
    And also to talk about it with my friends. Even if all of them are straight, it was very useful to just answer their questions. To be honest with them. To interact with them without a wall of faked heterosexuality up at all times.

    And to do that, it did help to be out. Coming out didn't get me a boyfriend right away. In fact, I did it mostly because I was just tired of lying all the time.
    But it did help me to be ready when one eventually presented himself. I had support from my friends, I didn't need to be afraid what others would think if they discovered I was dating a guy. And I could bounce some thoughts back and forth.


    So in short... I do think this might be a sign you're ready to start coming out. Especially if you have friends and family that would be supportive. It might not get you a boyfriend right away. It might not make you ready to date right away. But it could definitely serve as a step on the way to getting there.

    Also, unrelated thought: it might pay to think a bit about how you got into your first relation. Did that come from pure attraction? Or was there a component of seduction, of flirting, of getting to know each other. Not saying you need to recreate that situation completely. But it could give you an indication of what the circumstances are for actual attraction to manifest.
     
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  10. Lucaswalsh

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    it
    it does make sense, hmm keep experimenting and keep yourself updated if you like more guys or have more sex with a guy. Sometimes it really is hard to know who you are.
     
  11. alex21

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    Thanks all for your support and advice. Taking the time to accept myself as a gay man is a great idea - I'll probably try to attend a few meetups or something similar. I'm not in a hurry for anything anyway.

    I'm sure most of my entourage would be supportive but I don't think I'm ready to officially come out yet. It just feels like I won't know for sure before I try. Even though it seems to get clearer and clearer every day. I'm looking back at my life and I'm like "Oh, yeah... that would explain" or "This would make sense now". I also started hating my clothes, my haircut and my "fitness level". Haha, it almost feels too cliché to be true.

    I'm very busy ATM so I don't have much time to process all of this but I'm feeling a weird mix of excitement and fear at the idea of being gay. I'm comfortable with all of it on a personal level but letting others know is much harder - I feel like my whole identity would fall apart.
     
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  12. justaguyinsf

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    I relate to this a lot ... for me it's really about the connection with someone as a person, which involves a lot more than just what's below the belt, so to speak.

    [Btw, Filip, I really like the tagline at the bottom of your message.]
     
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  13. Richard321

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    There is only one guy I know whom I like a great deal too. He is in a relationship with another guy though - which I respect. He grew on me. At first, I was fascinated by him, but in later years I came to appreciate him more and more, then I got to liking him, then I felt desire for him. Now he's the one guy I know whom I have a liking for and sexual desire for.
     
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  14. Caraldo

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    @Richard321 at least you like a guy who likes guys
     
  15. Filip

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    Well, when you do find the time, we'll be right here to support you with advice, or even just to cheer you on!

    It is, by the way, worth mentioning that the fear of "losing your identity" is pretty universal. Definitely if you stat wondering about what to change. All the people to tell. All the new things to try and explore.

    But don't forget that there is no obligation to do all of it at once. You, and only you, get to decide who to tell first and when and how and where. There is no obligation to come out in a big announcement to all of your gathered friends and family (unless that's your thing). There's no obligation to throw out all of your old clothes and appear as a new person (again, unless you want). There is no obligation to start dating or even meeting other gay guys right after coming out (unless, as you are probably mouthing along now, you want).

    So be excited. Think of steps you can take. But do also feel free to mix and match according to taste and at your own pace. Your identity won't fall apart, but bit by bit, you will build one that's more you than it was before!
     
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  16. Richard321

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    You will come across a guy you like.
     
  17. 21zephyr

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    I sort of understand where you are coming from. I’m gay, no experience with guys and I’m worried I’ll never meet a guy. There are guys I’m attracted to, but I’m not sure if they are gay, so I never pursue. There is definitely a physical attraction for me, but someone who is kind and funny jumps someone good looking for me!!!

    I think someone will enter my life when I least expect it, which is kind of romantic. Going to a gay bar or a Pride event is huge for me because I won’t find someone if I just sit on the sidelines. Wherever you go do a mental inventory of your feelings for people you see or meet. Soon you will understand a little more clearly what you are looking for.

    I’m getting out there and my heart will hopefully find someone- that’s what you should be using to find someone.
     
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  18. alex21

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    It helps to know this is a universal feeling. Also thanks for your support.

    I might come out to my inner circle faster than I expected. Now that I'm starting to come out to myself, I feel like I constantly have to lie and it makes me uncomfortable. A small part of me is still questioning the whole thing and I need to be sure before I start telling people but I don't think this hesitation will stay much longer now that I'm honest with myself. I guess I just need some time to let it sink in.
     
  19. BiBarefeet

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    I understand where you are coming from. I know the difference between a good looking guy and a not so good looking guy, just as I do with beautiful women and women my mind considers "plain". However, I can look at a beautiful woman all day, admire her, want to interact with her...seduce her, even. I do not get those feelings with guys.
    But sexually, I think almost exclusively of good looking for guys having sex. It is a big turn on for me. Gay porn sex I find highly arousing, just as a find lesbian sex only slightly less arousing. Straight sex is like pop music to me - catering for the masses but largely uninteresting and predictable (she makes, threesomes or group sex involving men and women occurs). So I have come to the conclusion that I am a sexual deviant (but not dangerous or pestering in any way). In reality, I enjoy both sexes between the sheets. Romantically, I have been in love with a few women and one guy (my current boyfriend), although once again, the love with him is deeply connected to the sex. We get on great and I really enjoy his company, but without the sexual intimacy we would probably be just good friends or best friends, as there would be no emotional/romantic context between us.
    What I am trying to say is that we are all different in our thoughts and feelings, and "attraction" is a varied and nebulous thing. Over time, with patience, we will all figure it out for ourselves. So try not to worry yourself at this time with such things. I'm sure they will become clearer.
     
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  20. BiBarefeet

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    By the way, apologies for the predictive text errors that my phone creates!!!