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There's nothing I can do. I'm f***ed.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by pointofnoreturn, Jan 8, 2019.

  1. pointofnoreturn

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    Sorry for the language, the length, and for the possibly triggering nature of this post. I just need to get this out. If you're in a rough place, please don't read on. I don't want to make things any worse for you.

    So, I'm nonbinary. Specifically genderfluid/bi-gender; I switch nearly every day between male and female. And while I know that nonbinary identities fall under the trans umbrella, I've never called myself trans or felt comfortable doing so. I've been comfortable as a butch lesbian since I came out for the first time at 17. Even when I came out again as nonbinary--over a year ago--I still felt comfortable identifying primarily as a gay woman. The only thing that changed was that I asked the people in my life to start using they/them pronouns. My name, my presentation, and my label did not change. While to most people that may not seem like a big deal, it was huge for me; I thought I would take my identity to the grave.

    But as time has gone on, I've found myself wanting hormones and a "real" transition more and more. Not because I identify as male, but because my dysphoria is so bad. The female side of me loves the body that I have; in order to fulfill my lifelong dream of having children and being a mother, I have to keep that body. I've never wanted to be a husband or a father, ever. But the male side of me hates my chest, my vagina, my hips; my voice, my name, my ovaries. I've been suffering for the past couple of years because I don't know what to do. I just...don't know. That's not a denial of anything. I truly don't know.

    If I don't transition, I know I will be unhappy. But if I do, I will be unhappy.

    Last night I read an article about Mike Penner/Christine Daniels, a famous sports writer who came out publicly in 2007, but ended up committing suicide after returning to their birth sex. (I don't know what pronouns Mike/Christine preferred, so I'm using neutral ones). Theirs is not the only story I've read.
    For a while--trying to force myself to be comfortable in my body--I explored trans-exclusionary radical feminism and picked up some pretty awful views. I read hundreds of stories of detransitioners, and their experiences served as a warning sign, keeping me away from exploring my dysphoria further. I've come to the conclusion that transition is a personal, private choice. But I digress.

    Reading about Mike/Christine, or Leelah Alcorn, or others...I just feel like no matter what I do I'm fucked. I'm beyond fucked. There's no place for me in this world. Either I stay in this body and live my life as a woman--getting married, getting pregnant, having children, etc--or I transition and risk losing everything. It's not that I'd be unhappy, but I think I'd be unfulfilled. I've been staring down this long, shadowy door of not-knowing for a long time: not knowing what hormones would be like, or surgery, or life as the opposite sex. And I want that. I want to see what that is like. But I also want the choice to go back, the choice to get pregnant, and the choice to be who I am regardless of what everyone else thinks. I just don't know how--if--I can transition and keep my choices open, or stay in this body and do the same.

    Everywhere I turn, nonbinary people are hated, mocked, and treated horribly. They're told they don't exist, that God hates them, and that they would be so much better/prettier/etc as their birth sex. It's trans people who get the public support, trans people who are seen as brave and inspiring--not me. I feel like there is no support for nonbinary people, and it makes me wish I could just not be here anymore. I'm a fucking disgusting freak who just needs to figure it out. (That's the voice in my head.) So do I come out again, as trans this time, and go through that whole process? Do I stay in this body and risk suicidal thoughts? I look at trans people and think, God, you're lucky. I wish I was you. But I also see the way they're treated, and it terrifies me. Add in to that mix the stories of transition regret/detransition, and my inner self is crying in a corner somewhere--identity be damned. I'm terrified of missing out, making a mistake, or (worst of all) dying alone.

    This is a mess, but I would love some advice. If you got this far, thanks for reading; if not, my apologies for boring the hell out of you.





     
  2. Chip

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    Hi.

    Because I have not been in your situation, I can't truly understand what you are experiencing, but I can imagine how deeply uncomfortable it must make you feel.

    Based on what you are describing above, I don't think transitioning right now would be the right choice. One of the major controversies surrounding what's the best possible help for trans or dysphoric people is the issue of appropriate transitioning. On the one hand, having gatekeepers that you have to convince isn't a good strategy for a variety of reasons. And on the other, it is situations like you describe (where you basically know at this stage that you wouldn't be happy if you transitioned) where it makes sense to have some sort of exploratory process to help people reassure themselves that they are making the best decision for them.

    One statistic I remember, that was cited in a study and mentioned in the marvelous film "Growing Up Trans", is that about 40% of people who experience dysphoria in their teens and early 20s have it resolve satisfactorily (meaning, they end up reasonably happy) without transitioning. And this is one of the reasons why therapy for those who are gender dysphoric can often be helpful in enabling them to clarify their own goals.

    So I would strongly encourage you to explore what might be available for you. There may be an LGBT center somewhere near you that offers free or reduced price therapy or counseling, and there are other nonprofit and low-cost options for therapy, though you'll need to poke around a bit to find someone fluent in gender identity issues.

    In my experience, it does not seem to be as hopeless as you currently are experiencing it to be. And that's where therapy comes in. In the meantime, keep talking about what you're experiencing here, as simply connecting to others with similar struggles will help make it a bit easier for you.
     
  3. RainbowGreen

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    I agree with everything you said, but I would be careful around statistics like that. Some statistics say that AMAB people have a 0.005% chance of having dysphoria and AFAB have a 0.002% chance of having dysphoria. That's absurdly low. I'm really skeptical of those statistics because from what I have seen, they seem highly innacurrate.

    As Chip said, you should probably try gender therapy. The therapist could help you figure things out.

    In the mean time, try exploring your gender presentation. Like, masculine clothes, maybe a haircut, etc. See if it makes you feel better. You can also find yourself a male name and try it online to see if you like it. There's nothing wrong with exploring, but you have to keep in mind that things like hormones and surgeries are not reversible. That's why we see gender therapists before doing them. They're supposed to help determine if medical transition is the best way to go.
     
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  4. Mihael

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    Being a parent isn't much different based on gender. All the differences are stereotypes. The only difference is who carries the child. Not all women are even comfortable breastfeeding.

    Not attmpting surgery, you can bind, you can pack, you can excersice to get rid of prominent hips, you can also wear clothes that make you look more rectangular, you can change your name, and you can even get rid of menstruation with birth control and not ever carry a child. You have to watch out about the bone density with some birth control, though.

    No. This is very untrue.

    All of this is very understandable. You don't want to give up opportunities.

    You're not a freak. Don't say that. What you are is a completely normal human experience.

    Where? By whom? You need to change your social crowd.
     
    #4 Mihael, Jan 9, 2019
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  5. pointofnoreturn

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    Thank you everyone for your responses.
    When I came out as nonbinary over a year ago, I swore up and down that medical transition wasn't something I wanted, and all I needed was a pronoun change. This was after I had already experimented with binding, packing, male clothes, a male name, etc.
    But I find that the more time I spend presenting fully as male in all aspects, excluding my name because I don't have one picked out, the more I realize I wouldn't mind being male on a regular basis. This confuses me because I've thought of myself as nonbinary/genderfluid for so long. The intensity of my dysphoria scares me.
    Mihael, I realize that some of the things I said may be untrue, but they don't feel that way. I feel like one side is pressuring me to stay female (my family, detransitioners, society) and the other is pressuring me to--however unintentionally--transition (trans people). I follow a lot of trans/nb people on social media, and the majority of them paint transition in a really positive light that makes me feel bad. I feel like that's what I should be doing, and what's wrong with me that I haven't decided?
    Chip, thank you for your advice. Gender therapy is definitely something my partner has suggested, and that I am looking into. I'm also going to start reaching out to LGBT friends to see what they suggest.
     
  6. Mihael

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    Why do you feel this way?
    Maybe you should stop following those people on social media. Sometimes social media really harm us psychologically? Surround yourself with accepting people.Do you have someone like that irl or in the internet? Transition is not a race and although it can be painted this way by some, it is a highly individual thing whther you need it or not and to which degree. There is no one size fits all. Same goes for detrasitioners, what is right for them, might not be right for you. There is no one size fits all.
    Who is "the society" except for your family? How about friends? How do they react to you gender?
     
  7. pointofnoreturn

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    I lean right politically, so I rarely spend time with LGBT people because from past experience, it is emotionally draining to constantly have to defend my beliefs. The vast majority of my friends are either conservatives or more liberal friends that I simply don't want to bother. My friends know, but they don't understand. They still use female pronouns, and call me "girl," "girlfriend", etc. Granted, I'm not a stickler about pronouns--in my coming out letter I told them they didn't have to use those pronouns if they didn't feel comfortable--but still. I haven't corrected anyone because I don't want to seem unreasonable or like a "snowflake."
    The people I follow validate that I'm not alone. Though sometimes it makes me jealous, depressed, or angry to see them living a life I want, I think if I didn't have that representation I might hurt myself or worse.
    "Society" is the world as a whole. The people who comment on Facebook about how trans/NB people are "confused", or the Youtube comment on a nonbinary video that said "They should all be gassed." My father, when I told him I wanted to change my pronouns, said: "So you're a boy now?" It's the idea that my trans friend is able to have laws that protect him and public support, but I don't exist. It's the idea that when I sneak into the men's--which is hard because I'm disabled--the thought that comes right after I could get the shit kicked out of me is What if they think I'm trans? Nowadays, trans people are getting a lot of support, which is great. But it leaves me feeling like there's no place for me. If I'm not trans or cis, do I even matter? Does my voice?
     
  8. Mihael

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    Do you mean like, economically or in terms of culture? If the latter, that is a tough nut to crack to be conservative and gay. Pretty much unsolvable.

    "If they don't feel comfortable"
    Dude. But what about your comfort? I agree that pronouns might not be the best thing to get hung up on, but still, this kind of mindset isn't going to benefit you.

    "If not for(...) I might hurt myself"
    Have you been checked for depression? Maybe you should see a therapist and a doctor about it.

    "They all should be gassed"
    Why do you even read that kind of comments? It's toxic to read them.
    It's not the whole world. It's just internet hate. People don't feel respinsible for internet hate, this is why they do it. They feel anonymous. They also hate on everybody out of frustration with their own miserable lives.

    Maybe I'm being insensitive but what is wrong with "so you're a boy now?"?

    Why is your trans friend protected on public transport and you are not? What are the details of this law?

    The bathrooms are tough, though. Even for a binary trans person, it is a very large step. I personally am not comfortable unsing the men's bathroom, because my genitals are female and I don't want to undress next to so many straight men. I feel unsafe about it. Bathrooms are not the most reasonable thing to stick to, however, I get what your problem with that is, you feel like others get acknowledgement and you don't and I know how frustrating it can be from my own experience with trans issues, because I'm not a medical transitioner. People seem to equate trans with all the medical things, and to me it seemed like I can't transition and be me if I don't take hormones, which I don't want to do. I also failed to make the impression of dressing like a guy, because I'm not uptight about it, just chill, so I guess I look more like a girl who wears flannels and stuff than a trans guy. It left me feeling so frustrated and jealous that others get recognised as trans and asked about it, and treated properly. But I think I beat it with confidence and bursted the bubble of silence.

    You could get the shit beat up out of you about the bathroom, yes, it's possible. I won't deny it. Maybe not the most reasonable thing to do to mess with people this way. Someone would think you're trans - you are trans. Trans is a broad category that includes non-binary individuals as well. Moreover, when yu are dressing like a man and using the men's bathroom, you are a trans man. It's just you're not a trans man all of the time, just part of the time. But you are and it's real.

    It may sound cheesy but of course you do matter. You belong to the trans community and you are trans if you are non-binary. You deserve to get your needs met as well.
     
  9. Hats

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    Hi, pointovnoreturn. I don’t think I have any suggestions beyond what others have already said but, as a fellow genderfluid person, I completely sympathise with your position. I wish that I had either a female body or an androgynous one. I want to be able to look convincingly female as a woman and convincingly male as a man but, as an amab, I feel that is out of reach for me without hormones and for various reasons I’m wary of messing with my body. In addition, my switches to female can be frequent enough and my dysphoria bad enough that it’s tempting to wonder if underneath it all I’m actually a trans woman who can’t accept themselves (I have big problems with self-repression). I’ve found that having some female clothes and a girl name online have helped, and often I feel that “genderfluid girl” is a better descriptor than simply “genderfluid”. As a side-effect it pushes me further to fully accepting my female side which reduces the frequency of dysphoria. Maybe the same sort of approach to your male side would be helpful to you?



     
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  10. pointofnoreturn

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    Hats, are you me? Seriously. 90-95% of this I could have written. Especially the parts about switching and wondering whether I'm really trans.Here's where you and I differ though: the more I accept my male side...the harder it is when I switch to female. Over the years that I've experienced dysphoria, I've gone from 50-50 to more and more male. If I had to guess, I'd say it's now 80-20 male/female. And now, even when I switch to female, it doesn't feel as genuine. Sometimes I get so frustrated...I force myself to be female that day just to stop dealing with it. Being female, switch or otherwise, feels like waiting for someone to arrest me--like I've done something wrong and it's just a matter of time. Being male feels like I've been let out of prison. And like any convict, my male side doesn't just want visitors or the occasional furlough; he's banging on his cell bars. I'm worried if I feed into it, I'll lose myself completely.

    Mihael, I'm going to respond to your concerns with bullets since there are so many.
    • I'm both, but especially culturally. I vote Republican and am pro-life/Christian. I'm on the outskirts of the LGBT community for those reasons and others. It doesn't cause conflict for me because I was conservative long before I realized I wasn't cishet. If anything, it causes conflict for others.
    • As far as my comfort goes, I don't feel comfortable with the idea of correcting others...yet. I don't want to censor anybody, and I haven't yet figured out how I can ask others to use my pronouns without making them feel bad for misgendering me. It's a process.
    • I have complicated grief from the sudden loss of my brother. It's like depression, except it has a root cause. I take antidepressants and go to therapy, but the intense feelings will never completely go away. My dysphoria depresses me a great deal, but that's mainly because it's on top of multiple hard-to-deal-with personal things like his death. I know I was dysphoric well before he passed, but sometimes my brain likes to say it's because of grief. When it all piles up it can get bad, but I'm a pro at handling my mental health issues :slight_smile:
    • It's stupid to read them, I know. But it's like picking at a scab; I feel compelled to, and don't know how to stop. Especially on bad days.
    • There's nothing wrong with it per se. I just hate the assumption of "if you're not one thing you must be another."
    • My trans friend is protected because he has public support; it has nothing to do with public transport. If he were discriminated against in public, all he would have to do is say he's trans and people would support him. If I were discriminated against and said I'm nonbinary, I don't think anyone would support me. Case in point: there are laws to protect trans people, but none that I know of specifically for nonbinary people.
    • I've actually been doing pretty well with bathrooms! There are all-gender ones on my school's campus, and in a pinch I'll use those, but when I have the time and the courage I'll use the men's. The biggest problem I have is not that someone might hurt me, though I am afraid of that. It's that I'm a wheelchair user. If someone really wanted to hurt me, how could I get away? I've read countless accounts of the violence trans people face. If those are the ones whose bodies work(ed), and they still ended up hurt/killed, then I'm practically a breathing target. You'd be surprised how many people try to be "helpful" publicly, but privately could give less of a fuck what happens to me.
     
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  11. Mihael

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    :/ It's not my concerns, I'm trying to be helpful and help you get through what is botheirng you. Sorry if I failed at it...

    So... you don't have a problem with thinking you're wrong to be trans, gay, gender non-conforming, etc? About being conservative.

    Take your time with correcting others or don't correct them at all if that is what you wish. It matters that you feel good about it. Your previous post implied something else, like you wanted to correct them but were thinking that you would be bothering them with it somehow.

    I'm sorry about your brother. Still, that might be worth checking out with a mental health professional if you are having self-harm thoughts. I have been through maybe not states of feeling like self-harming but feeling suiscidal and this isn't health. Appropriate treatment can prevent you from doing something you will regret later as well as feeling like utter crap. Even if it's grief, you might need help dealing with it.

    As for the internet hate. Maybe you can find another way to cope with bad days that isn't toxic for your mood? Like reading a book, playing a game, listening to music, talking to someone who is friendly.

    Ah, right, so you feel misunderstood by your dad? That you're non-binary and he thinks you're a guy?

    Uh, I'm sorry, I must have misread the public transport thing. You are trans. If you are non-binarh, you are trans :slight_smile: You have the support too. Why would nobody support you? Plenty of people are supportive of non-binary individuals. What kind of support does your binary trans fried get that you don't? I bet you can figure out the way to get the same if you want that.

    Oh that is great that you have gender neutral bathrooms on campus, my uni doesn't have any, which is sometimes troubling. I get stared at and it sucks. I'm not using a wheelchair, but I still wouldn't want to be assaulted, sexually assaulted or even shouted at and questioned aloud in the bathroom. That's not cool no matter how physically fit you are. I'm also not saying this as a weakling, I'm tall and strong for a woman. The bathroom is a place of possible nudity and hence people understandably get irky about bathrooms. Well, anyway, that's courageous that you use men's toilets sometimes.

    Um, but it's the case for everyone, most people just mind their own business and don't care about others this much, it's not like you're treated worse with that, you're treated just like everyone else.
     
  12. pointofnoreturn

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    You didn't fail! You were actually really helpful.

    TBH, I'm still trying to work through my internalized issues around sexuality/gender. Because I grew up in a conservative house, I dealt with a lot of internalized shame, which isn't good. But as far as internal conflict over my political views and personal life, I'm good.

    I think that if I do it in an overzealous or mean way, it could bother some people.

    Ironically, I'm 3+ years clean from self harm. Since I fought so hard to get and stay clean, the thoughts are just that--thoughts. I have a really good support system, lots of coping mechanisms, and I'm hoping to find a gender therapist soon to work through a lot of those thoughts and feelings around my gender.

    I just think that because I've never called myself trans or come out as trans, I receive less public support. Speaking of which...should I come out? How do I come out? My past coming-outs have been huge, soul-searching things. I'm really scared to do that again....Ugh this is so stressful! I've only ever known myself as a gay enby, so this is...a lot:disappointed:

    My dad is more understanding than my mom (he bought me suits!) but he's approaching my dysphoria from a "this is a mental illness and if you transition you'll end up killing yourself" angle. I've done the research for myself, and the co-morbidity rate/high suicide rate in the trans community worries me. I'm terrified of transitioning and then regretting it, or transitioning and realizing I had an underlying issue that transition worsened. And, of course, I don't want to take my own life. But I could (theoretically) end up that way regardless of transition. So that makes me feel stuck.

    Bathroom usage is a work in progress, but I'll try to keep that in mind!
     
    #12 pointofnoreturn, Jan 11, 2019
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2019
  13. Mihael

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    I'm glad I could help.

    that's good that you don't feel bad about yourself. Shame isn't great but it's not the worst thing to deal with. It's good the self harm thougts are just thoughts at this point too.

    Yeah, I see what you mean by overzealous pronoun correcting. If you wanted to correct someone, you can still try the more shy way to do it or with a friend or two when you're having a calm talk. That's always easier. If you wanted to of course, not trying to talk you into it if you don't feel like it.

    If you are non-binary, then you are trans. Come out when you want it or need it, it's supposed to make you feel more comfortable or just better if you just feel like telling someone. It's all about bein happy with yourself. The gender stuff.

    That's cool that your dad buys you masculine clothes, but not great that he sees it as a mental illness. I think the correlation between being trans and suiscide risk comes from trans people being in general a part of a more sensitive population that can be irritated by things like gender. Many people just don't give a damn about both this and other things. This is my theory, at least. What I can advise, is doing things in your own pace and if you feel overwhelmed, not giving yourself new transition stresses, postponing them. But yeah, that's just what works for me, I get all kinds of depressed when too much stress is going on in my life at once.

    It's probably true for a lot of people but not for everyone. I think that everyone has those worries what if they are going to regret it or not. It's only healthy. This is a major decision to make, about medical transition, but social too. But from the social one, you can always back off at least.

    How about your mom? Is she unpleasant about you being non-binary or just ignores it?
     
  14. pointofnoreturn

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    My mom just ignores it. I don't think she fully grasps it and, to be honest, she's still working through her issues about me being a butch lesbian.

    I don't really know what the reason is; I just know that co-morbidity is a problem for trans people and that it contributes to why transition is so difficult. While it sucks that he thinks of it that way, he is at least willing to talk about it at length. A lot of our conversations have revolved around things I don't see talked about in the community, like detransition and the sometimes-shady practices of doctors who perform trans surgeries. It's good information to know, regardless of whether he agrees or not.

    How can someone "back off" from social transition? Is it possible to transition without telling anyone?
     
  15. Mihael

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    Well, you can socially detransition. It might be difficult for some people, but it is for sure easier than growing a new pair of breasts.

    Hmmm heah then your dad might be being hurtful at times, but he can be a support for you too. While your mom is still struggling with it.
     
  16. Hats

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    I think the main difference is that even though I lock down emotionally a lot less, I still do so enough to stop me knowing what my baseline gender actually is and, like you, my girl side scares me by banging on the bars, which makes me afraid that "girl" is my default. I suspect it's been a while since I've been properly male, too...
     
  17. Ryuichi

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    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey, there!
    The first very underlying thing I want to mention here is that all these questions you have - They're all an individual deal. These choices are already at your disposal, and yours only. There's no one right way to come out, there's no one way to transition, or even be trans.

    With that said, I'll put another recommendation for gender therapy, as that can give you loads of possibilities to go about this. As for transitioning, you might want to do things one step at a time. It doesn't even have to be hormones that you test out. Maybe try something a little different without hormones, and maybe you'll decide that you like that far better than you expected. It's a very personal adventure that can lead you to doing things you never thought of before (and no, I don't mean murder), and I know you said you don't want to seem like a "snowflake" but the matter here is that nobody experiences this the same way as another person.

    And yes, there are those who would rather us die horribly, and there are those who think that being trans is not being a "real man" or "real woman". I still see these kinds of posts every day (through people calling them out), but even from your posts about your father, I get a bit of hope. It seems pretty clear to me that he's done his research on this topic and while his interpretation of the data doesn't exactly cover the larger ethos of being trans (and the misunderstanding of being transgender as a mental illness), his willingness to change his mind on your gender and that he buys you suits seems to show that he's really willing to listen and understand as much as he can. Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to clarify these things to him. As for your mother, well, I know how that's like. It can be frustrating at times. I've managed some success with my own who still seems to have her own issues with the definition of womanhood, so take that as you will.

    And of course, the suicide rate and detransitioners. This is mostly due to people trying to silence us, to put us back where they think we belong, and all the stress of that finally giving way. Some days it doesn't feel like it, but things really are getting better. I'd like to point out that those who advocate for trans-exclusionary radical feminism are few and far between, loud as they are. In the last 6 months, I've had about the same amount of friends come out as transgender. That's a record, if I've ever seen one! Back in High school (around the time I joined EC), I was sometimes the only person in the school who was out as non-binary. I knew only one other in that system. This year, my class alone has 3-4 out trans people including other non-binaries, and several others who play around with gender on a regular basis. I can only imagine how many other people have come out recently because others have helped them gather that strength.

    I could go on about this honestly, but I'll bring it back to what I said in the beginning - This is your life. Take it, and live it how you want. You really don't need to ask permission to be yourself. Sure, it might take some figuring out. Do that if you need, and take all the time you need. And lastly, pick your battles. Don't feel that you need to go clarifying your existence to people who already had their mind set and don't want it changed.
     
    Verklighet, Hats and Mihael like this.
  18. pointofnoreturn

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2014
    Messages:
    169
    Likes Received:
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    Location:
    PA
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Ryuichi, thanks so much for your reply. I'm going to reply to you in parts.

    My issue is not so much a matter of figuring out what I want. That I pretty much have squared away. What I struggle with is courage and strength, and being 1000% sure. Three steps I've taken in the past week are helping with that: journaling daily about my experience with dysphoria, going by a chosen name and pronouns in one of my uni classes, and coming out to my therapist. She referred me to a gender therapist, a trans guy, who I have yet to hear back from. If I'm able to get in to see him, I think that will really help.

    While it's true that my dad is understanding of my masculinity and sexual orientation, he regularly dismisses trans people's experiences as the result of their high co-morbidity rate. When I first told him about my dysphoria, he said something that made me really angry. I have cerebral palsy, a physical disability that occurred as the result of brain damage after birth; I walk a little weird and use a wheelchair, but mentally I'm all there. He tried to say that the brain damage I experienced at birth correlated to my dysphoria. At the time, I didn't understand a really important part of what he meant to say, which is that correlation does not equal causation. Just because trans people have a higher rate of co-occurring mental conditions does not mean that those conditions cause dysphoria. But having done extensive research, I can tell you that the presence of mood disorders like depression or bipolar disorder--which a really high number of trans people experience--greatly increases their risk of suicide. Going back to my dad's view on it, I can tell that he's coming from the perspective of a concerned parent. He doesn't want anything bad to happen to me. Transition has huge medical, psychological, and social risks. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want the best quality of life for me; if anything, I feel through all of our conversations how much he loves me. If he didn't love me, he wouldn't say anything.

    Are you familiar with the Rapid-Onset Gender Dysphoria (ROGD) theory, which views the rising numbers of trans people as a social phenomena? It may be of interest to you, and provide some clarity on why more and more people are transitioning. I don't necessarily agree with the "ALL transitioning people are responding to peer pressure" part of that theory. Nor do I agree with the commonly held belief that dysphoria is the direct result of mental illness. I'm just trying to show you that I definitely think there is a biological/mental component to gender dysphoria. It concerns me that trans activism discourages talk of regret/detransition/the suicide rate. It also concerns me that more and more young people are using transition as a means of dealing with trauma and internalized homophobia.These concerns really add to my struggles with dysphoria. Yes, I live with dysphoria; yes, I desire transition. But I'm also really scared because the trans community is pushing false narratives and statistics. It confuses me especially when trans people go after "transtrenders". As someone who came out as nonbinary and requested they/them pronouns--instead of coming out as FTM--I worry that I'm seen that way. I know I keep saying this, but I really don't want to make a mistake.

    You're right. I don't need to ask permission...but this is not just about me, either. I have siblings, close friends, a loving partner; what kind of person would I be if I did not consider them? Complicating matters significantly is the fact that my parents have already lost one child: my older brother, who died suddenly in a car crash almost 4 years ago. So many trans people say that when you transition, your parents lose a child. I do not want my parents to interpret my desire to transition as my attempt to replace the son that they lost. If I'm brutally honest, that is the deepest fear I have. And then there is the matter of my partner. She's bisexual, and has previously said that she'll stay with me no matter what. But she has also expressed concern over medical transition, and wants me to "keep" what she considers femininity. She made a comment that I shouldn't get top surgery because I would lose nipple sensation. After I showed her some things about sensation after surgery, and we had a long, emotional conversation, she finally said to me that her primary concerns are my safety and personality. I assured her that it would be a long while before I decided to transition (we want biological kiddos first) and that if I do decide to pursue transition, I'm going to take my time. I also told her that no matter what, I'm me and my love for her will not change. We cried, we laughed, and cleared things up. It seems like she's coming around, but I want to make things as easy for her as possible. The selfish part of me wants her to see me as male ASAP, but I know that it's going to take time.
     
    #18 pointofnoreturn, Jan 20, 2019
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2019