1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

There's more to this 2nd Adolescent thing than originally thought

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by brainwashed, Jun 11, 2018.

  1. brainwashed

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2014
    Messages:
    2,062
    Likes Received:
    440
    Location:
    Phoenix, AZ
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Many older ECs member have posted about having a 2nd adolescence later in life after coming to terms they are gay and suppressed said fact earlier in life. I've been told there is a good chance one may start behaving like an adolescent all over again. Well I am learning the 2nd adolescent theory has merit. And there is more to this "2nd adolescent" thing than originally thought. (and planned for)

    A good way to think of 2nd adolescents is, two people living in one body. I have come to the realization that there is a mid teen person living inside me. All kinds of little things queue me to this second mid teen person inside me. Sitting on the floor to tie my shoes, thinking way cool, I get to go out a play is one of the more regular and power feelings I have. I enjoy a wider range of music. My god I've actually been showing an interest in taking up skating boarding again. (I used to skate board all the time, up until the abuse/suppression thing started.)

    No time to research this material. I'd like to hear from others about their 2nd adolescence feelings.
     
    sparki likes this.
  2. slowmo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2017
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    35
    Location:
    West Coast
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I can identify with some of what you're saying. I'm just coming out at age 59 (after 30-years of a bad marriage, three adult kids, and a divorce several years ago). I consider myself quite intelligent, insightful and logical, and I'm told I'm a pretty good judge of people. But I do find my stupid teenage gay mind reverting back to high school (or even junior high!).

    It's all of those thoughts of "Does he like me?" ... "Does he think I'm cute/smart/whatever?" ... "Do I ask outright what we feels, or should I already know or somehow read between the lines?" ... "He hasn't called or texted. So what did I do wrong?"

    At some moments it's invigorating, and it does take me back to my youth. But more often, I feel powerless and sometimes even pathetic and angry. Like it just shouldn't be this hard.

    I now realize I was so obsessed and hesitant and anxiety-riddled over the past several years about the prospect of coming out -- who, what, when how, why -- that I never really thought that much (or enough) about the "then what?" part. As I continue coming out to more people (my kids are next) and interacting with more gay men, it's just now hitting me like a ton of bricks. Coming out may actually have been the relatively easy part of this. It's all of this other stuff that I now find so daunting. And unlike coming out, this stuff kinda continues forever. Wow.
     
    smee likes this.
  3. r2de2baca

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    275
    Likes Received:
    53
    Location:
    Over the rainbow
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I had a 2nd adolescence. Basically you come out, you go to clubs and bars, you have fun. You drink, You flirt, You act like an idiot or at least I did. It was quite fun for a while. I was so tired of being an "adult" and boring and professional ALL THE TIME. Watching every p and q, making sure everything was "fitting" for someone my age. So it got to be too much stress. Letting lose was great! However I noticed that I would kick up the silliness and zaniness 10 fold in the gay world. Part of me felt like with all the crap going on there, who was in any position to judge me for my antics. However part of it was to try and fit in. You want camp, I'll show you camp DARLING. Part of it was also me not being comfortable there so feeling like I had to overdue it to fit in. Long story short, it gets old, you get old, and you really become the same older gay gentlemen in the club or bar that needs to go home. Now that I am past that, I find there's a bit of depression. The party was fun and now that it's over what am I left with, what has really changed, where's my life now, and most frightening....what do I have to look forward to??? You see, there's a saying, you can never go home again....and you really can't. You're a teen once in your life and yes, you can "do it again" but the reality is you're an adult, you have a finite amount of time on this earth. yes, have fun, but it's so easy to get stuck in the 2nd adolescene. Many gay men are stuck there. It's easy because the sex culture can help you stay there. Who needs adult conversation, responsilbities, etc. when you can download an app and hookup anytime and any place. No strings, no ties, just fleeting immature moments. The "youth" culture shames anyone over 30 as "old" which is ludacris. All the while the same people shaming you do not realize, that they too will get older, lose the bodies and looks and there will be a new crop of 25 year olds taking their place. My advice is to have fun but do not stay in the 2nd adolescene phase too long. It's quick sand.
     
    Pole star likes this.
  4. sparki

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2017
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    51
    Location:
    Rocky Mountains
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I feel like a kid again. In fact I put my sons old skate board in the trunk. Just need to get the nerve up to get it out and actually skate. Something happened inside me I can’t quite explain when the words escaped my mouth and I was out. I do subtle things to express myself. I am not overly concerned about what people might think. Intense emotions would come out of the blue. Like I would get all shaky, my heart would be pounding, and I could barely talk when interfacing with a cute gal at a clothing store. Unexpected physical responses were pretty normal in the beginning and I had to remind myself... eyes up here.

    I am turning 50 in less than 2 years and I’ll be damned if I am gonna waste the rest of my life conforming to what others think I should be. If being who I am means less advancement at work, or limits my opportunities so be it. There is not enough alcohol in the world to overcome the feelings of inadequacy and injustice in the world.

    To live will be an awfully big adventure!

    So get out there and live life. That doesn’t mean jumping into the unknown without knowing your considerations.
    Do the things you love. Allow yourself to be seen. The one that has been hiding behind a mask.
    One step at a time, little by little.
     
    baristajedi likes this.
  5. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,834
    Likes Received:
    824
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I identify with this; I feel like since I've come out I've become more in touch with my interests, and more in touch with my younger self in more than just my sexuality, I'm really hormonal yes to put it politely but also love my music and I'm keeping up with it more now, love to go dancing, and more in touch with my geek interests and gaming interests... it's pretty cool, like a new lease on life in many ways.
     
    merry and sparki like this.
  6. smee

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2016
    Messages:
    152
    Likes Received:
    34
    Location:
    Southern US
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I was pretty well repressed. By the time that I came out to myself I had got to a point where I was pulling the covers farther over my self, trying to keep doing what I thought I was supposed to and I was getting less and less out of life for it. I think I said it before, but at that point I kind of caught myself calling all of these thoughts and ideations stupid, and I realized that whenever I said it was stupid I felt depressed and ...stupid. This is embarrassing stuff, but I honestly don't think that I'm overstating how I was. And yeah there were a few (or more) "Pathetic Geek Stories"-worthy moments, especially early on, where I had feelings happen before I realized that I was capable of these things or I didn't know how to handle a situation (So now we get to grow up....)

    I think that the main thing that coming out to myself has given me is context. I still get depressed or anxious like before, but it's about things. At least it's not just that it's Tuesday and I'm depressed. Honestly in a lot of ways I think that's helped me restart maturity on some levels, in that I see where I'm coming from and I'm not (always) guessing about expectations.
     
    sparki likes this.