Discussion in 'Anonymous Gender Identity and Expression' started by Matto_Corvo, Apr 19, 2016.
Haven't been sleeping well. Food is making me sick to my stomach. I feel like shit.
I have the mild suspect my father caught me packing. I didn't see nor hear him arrive. Oops. I'm pretending nothing. He's probably pretending nothing.
I'm a fool.
At least I laughed for half a minute with face pressed on the bed in this day of bitterness and numbness.
that feeling when you see other trans women who look amazing and realize that you'll never be as pretty. kinda sucks the good out of you...
That feeling when you see another trans woman, and she's living as herself but you aren't....
that too 'eh?
Bad dysphoria day....
When you remember how far away testosterone is. And you're not out to your family.
Hey, little steps. Every day you live is a little, insect-ly little step, but a step forward. Imagine a package of T of any kind (cream, injections) on a table and you're an ant walking on that table. You'll reach it.
Thanks Crisalide x)
I am so fucking tired of waiting.
I am experiencing symptoms of a flu. I am supposed to have my top surgery next week. I am f*cked. I hope I can get over this quickly. This has been my worst fear. They obviously can't operate on me if I am sick. I am so sick. Of my life.
If I can't go under the knife next week I don't know when I will get this opportunity again.
I want to die.
I feel really hopeless in ever meeting anyone with my (odd? creative?) sexual interests, that it makes me really, sad, lonely and depressed. It just seems like it will never happen, and like I will die, first.
Also, I've been battling this feeling more and more, after so many years of therapy and trying...sometimes I feel like a failure in that I have sought out 'help', and yet, after so long, still don't feel much different: merely alive, but with not a huge desire to live much longer.
But that said, I encourage you to reach out, and keep trying...I mean, I think most people get better results, I think my case has a lot of complications...
i just feel like screaming "I AM A GUY" at the top of my lungs because all it is is birthname this and birthname that and she and her and uggghhh it's driving me insane. my mom is VERY transphobic and all i want to to be the man i am. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!?!?!?! i'm so upset because a few months ago my girl cheated on me with not one but TWO cis guys then proceeded to break up with me for said guys and i was really pissed about that! then i ask out this girl that i've had a crush on forever and she said yes but the next day she breaks up with me because she's a lesbian. i appreciate her honesty but at the same time it's like "DUDE SERIOUSLY???" we literally were together for 22 hours, then the same girl tells me that she has a crush on her best friend who we will call E and i'm really good friends with E too and E is a straight girl who likes her male friend J!!! so i was talking to our other friend porcelain about it (that's not her name it's just what i call her) and i was all like "ya know i hope they have a nice life they can go fuck a bush" and she was like "bro calm down" then our other friend Z was on my side and was like "hEaDs WiLl RoLl" and i'm just so mad all i want is a yarmulke but NO I'M PHYSICALLY FEMALE!!! what i need is a nice bisexual girl who will love and support me, but oh wait. I DID until people were talking shit about me and she was like nah i don't want to be in a relationship with you because of FAKE NEWS and then she goes and posts on her instagram about how lonely she is and how she wanted a boyfriend or a girlfriend and some shit like BITCH WHERRR YOU SEEMED TO HAVE LOTS OF FRIENDS WHEN THEY WERE TALKING TRASH ABOUT ME! i'm just so angry all the time because i don't know how to deal with shit and i feel awful all the time because i find myself so revolting and I'M NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO CUT MY HAIR BECAUSE MY MOM IS SO TRANSPHOBIC!!!! i have to wear a dress once a week because at my school we have to dress up on days we have meets/matches/games so i'm a MAN IN DRAG up in there. i feel so unnatural when i'm wearing women's clothes or at least women's clothes that don't make me look so feminine. all i want to do is cry and punch something and scream. I CANNOT TAKE THIS SHIT
This can't be all there is for me as far as my voice goes. I'm so tired of this middle ground. I'm so tired of sounding like a kid, because I already have to put up with being treated like one and getting read as a 15 year old. It's bullshit that I'm this far along, and I'm still jealous of other guys and comparing myself to them; trans and cis. I'll hear the guys I've followed since I was 14 talk, and they just sound so amazing - and I'm like...why the fuck don't I have that? I still can't help but to wonder if I'd be vastly different if I was cis; like if I'd be more rugged or handsome and shit like that.
I want to go up to my family and tell them that I'm not their daughter/sister but every time I just back up few seconds before I tell them.
I don't think I really want to have everything that men have, just the freedom to be shirtless, to date women, and to sleep with them the way men do.
I don't know what to do about this. Because what I really crave is the physical intimacy between a man and a woman and surgeries are expensive and useless in that area for FTMs, I don't know what to do. I have suicidal bouts at least 5/7 days a week now and it's slowly killing me.
Dating has also been an ABSOLUTE nightmare. I attract a lot of qweirdos.
So, I'm genderfluid. Most of the time I feel female, but lately I've been feeling a lot more male than usual - to the point where I think I want to wear a binder instead of the sports bras I wear now. I can't keep wearing sports bras forever, but I'm not sure how it would work because there's an entire cupsize difference in my boobs.
(If this is in the wrong thread, please move it to the right one.)