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The Undeniable Drive vs. The Unmovable Obstacle

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SevnButton, Nov 12, 2018.

  1. SevnButton

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    It's clear, I'm not straight. I can't really say how gay I am because I don't know. Sometimes I wish there was a lab test that could give me a reading, like my cholesterol level, but it just doesn't work that way. But it's undeniable, and no amount of distraction, training or therapy is going to make my gay go away.

    So OK, the obstacle isn't really unmovable. But my commitment to my family stands firm. One solution would be to retreat to the shadows, but I felt SO un-alive there.

    I had a dream last night -- Part1: At work, a secret room was under construction. The room would have heavy steel doors (not installed yet) and no windows. Part 2: Still at work, there's a fairly small work area, big enough for 1 person. But it has windows all around, and it's full of light. I'm thinking, THIS is where I want to be.

    Anyone remember that Star Trek episode where the captain described a test that he faced at the Academy as a cadet? The test was impossible, there was no solution. So the captain, as a cadet, changed the test and succeeded.

    The drive is real, and so are the obstacles. But there IS a solution, and it includes openness and light. It's getting closer.
     
  2. FooFight54

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    @SevnButton,

    Good luck with therapy and I hope you find acceptance with your sexuality.
    Like @Nickw mentioned awhile ago, "own it". If someone calls me "BI" or a "Gay" man, you know what, I AM.
    You can be this new Sevn and still be faithful to your wife and still the man/husband/father in your household.

    Hugs,
    FooFight54
     
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  3. baristajedi

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    I really like the idea of changing the test (and I like the Star Trek reference :wink:) and you will get there sevn, you’ll find your way that feels right for you.

    Have you tried this before? If you could wave a magic wand and your life was exactly what you wanted, what would it look like? It can be anything even something impossible, really suspend all disbelief.It might help to start there just as part of the thinking process.
     
    #3 baristajedi, Nov 14, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2018
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  4. MzMrAlexa

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    I understand the feeling... and I think that many people who didn't discover who they were early on in life go through very much the same thing. I'm right there with you.. The life I've known up to about about 15 years ago (I'm 55 now) was all hetero / vanilla, and though I always new I was different and didn't fit in until that time I wasn't aware that I didn't fit the traditional gender / sexual roles, at least not consciously. It's been a long road between then and now, but even 15 years in between work and family (and I am out to my immediate family and my teen / college age kids accept who I am) I still struggle with finding space and time for "Me" vs. the restraints of the other parts of my life... In my world I'm thankful for having times in my home when I can just be myself and be comfortable, but I want so much to be able to be free to express in the day to day.

    In my case I fantasize about when I (hopefully) can retire and have a small place in the woods where unless I have to go out I can live as a female, and maybe even transition at some point (I'm not close to "Passable" even on a good day and I kid myself than when I am much older it won't matter ~ which I know is silly, but I think that we all come up with fantasy's that in some way might be slightly possible because it gives us hope). And of course to find someone accepting to live out that fantasy with.

    I think for most of us the truth is that if we really want it bad enough then it is possible, but at what cost? For me it would be career ending (regardless of any discrimination laws etc... right, wrong and the law are three entirely different things IMO), and as a single parent with kids at home it would mean my not being able to provide the things I want for my Children and I could never put my wants before that responsibility. It's a tough spot that many of us can relate to.

    The silver lining is that if we raise our children right they will likely be Ok with who we are and perhaps even supporting... Spouses if we have them may be a tougher situation (and a hole more complex topic), and as time marches on if we plan and focus our direction on working towards what we want at some point we will get to where we want to be, if we keep our expectations realistic... And one other thing that I've found to be true more often than not is that we all are given both what we need (even if it's not what we want sometimes), and opportunities / lessons for growth, which sometimes can be painful but are still necessary... and we will grow and become more whole if we choose to accept those lessons (here's where I repeat the mantra of "There is no such thing as adversity, only lessons" three times to remind myself to look beyond my wants and see what I need to see so that I can grow)... Hugs!
     
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