The time is now...

Oh boy. What a day today was.

If you don't already know my situation, feel free to check out these two threads for a backstory.

Backstory
Effects/Anxiety/etc.

So anyway. My relationship with my father has been a rough road in the past few months. We argue almost everyday. It's hard for us to talk about things a lot. I often get really stressed when he's around and somehow we end up arguing over the most trivial things.

Today it started because I failed to rinse the dishes correctly before putting them into the dishwasher.

My dad started asking more questions as to why we couldn't get along, and I told him that I couldn't tell him. He kept talking about how he wanted to take me somewhere where a psychologist or something could help me. Or some anti-depression hospital thing. He kept probing me to say something and I ended up locking myself in the restroom.

He kept saying to me "But I love you and I want to help you. Why do I stress you out? How can our relationship as father and son work?"

And all I could say is "I'm sorry. I'm a terrible son. You shouldn't love me!" (Granted I was a bit emotional)

The thing is. My dad DOES care for me, but he hates the thought of me being gay so much that I know that if he did find out that he'd hate me. He did threaten me on multiple occasions that he'd kick me out if he found out.

And I could tell that he was about to cry. The last thing he said to me before leaving me alone was "Is there something you're hiding from me?"

And I think at that point he knew. I knew that he knew. It was an unspoken "coming out" so to speak. But I didn't say the words "I'm gay" yet.

At this point. I'm starting to reach critical self-hating mass. It's hard for me to even envision a future for myself. Although I know I won't kill myself. I don't want to die, especially because this is the only life I get.

But I'm going to have to come out to him. Whether I like it or not. I am not going to be able to wait until I get out of college, and especially not after the conversation we had today.

I think part of me wants to come out, because I somehow trust him. He keeps saying how I'm his son and that he loves me so much. And how he wants only the best for me. But I also know how he treated my sister when she came out as bisexual. They stopped talking for a month and their relationship never recovered, even if she's dating a man now.

The worst part is that I'm not bisexual. So there's no chance of me having biological kids or living up to a "Traditional" family for him.

Anyway. The point is. I'm going to come out to him. Either today, tomorrow, or this week. It has to be soon. And I'm going to have to face the consequences strongly. I'm going to have to endure whatever stems from it.

This is easily, undoubtedly, the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Harder than any surgery I've gone through. Harder than any test or project at school. Harder than any stressful day at work.

I'm shaking as I type this. I've hated myself for months prior to this. And my self esteem is basically shot. So coming out in this state is really hard. But I have to do it. I won't allow myself to stay in this closet forever. I am who I am. And it's time that me, my father, and everyone accepts that.