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the screaming in my head

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by TAXODIUM, Sep 14, 2018.

  1. TAXODIUM

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    i’ve been out of town for a work for a few days
    these trips have become my safe place
    where i don’t have to worry if
    she’s questioning
    watching my every move
    or digging in my phone

    despite my smiles and laughter and jokes
    a woman at the same conference
    suddenly looked at me
    very seriously
    and said
    you are profoundly sad
    it’s time for you to be happy
    i hadn’t told her anything
    nothing
    but in my head
    i was screaming

    i dreaded getting on the plane today
    it feels like coming back into a cage
    feigning fatigue that is really
    anxiety and depression
    she says she missed me
    that she’s glad to see me
    she tries to lovingly kiss me and hold me and i want to push her away
    because in my head
    i’m screaming

    I’M GAY
    I’M GAY
    I’M FUCKING GAY
    I TOLD YOU
    THREE
    YEARS
    AGO
    AND YOU’RE STILL
    HOPING I’LL CHANGE
    I’M TRYING I’M TRYING AND I WANT TO
    BUT I CAN’T BECAUSE
    I
    AM
    GAY

    the screaming
    in my head
    never
    goes
    away
     
    #1 TAXODIUM, Sep 14, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2018
  2. Mel3

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    This is beautifully heartbreaking
     
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  3. Nickw

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    Hey. I was thinking about you the other day and was hoping things had become better for you.

    I'm saddened you are still struggling with all of this. You know you can vent on this forum when you need to.
     
  4. dirtyshirt84

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    Leave her
    I know it’s not that simple
    But you are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness
    Only your own.
     
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  5. Lexa

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    Or talk to her. This is a very unhealthy situation for you.
     
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  6. Nickw

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    Taxodium

    This is going on three years that both of us have been on this forum. You've been stuck in this place and I see your posts continue to be dark and despairing.

    Dirtyshirt was pretty blunt and I know you don't want to hear that. But, you, quite simply, need to do this for yourself.

    I know you don't like words like "authentic" so much. So, I won't go there. But you should consider how your unhappiness affects those you are hoping to protect.

    Please find a way to be yourself. You have so much to offer your family.
     
  7. greatwhale

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    She is hoping you will change so she won't have to...most people are profoundly afraid of change; they will cling to whatever hope or wishful thinking they can conjure up in order to avoid it.

    A true relationship is not about possession. She does not own you; you do not own her. Most people think of relationships as some kind of investment that ought to yield some kind of return...that's not how healthy relationships work...every day you spend together should be a deliberate choice in that moment, contingent upon a commitment to the relationship itself and to the benefits and obligations that this entails. In this way, for example, two people in a long-term relationship can have a persistent disagreement on some matter that could have gone on for years; but the relationship still matters more than the disagreement.

    What confuses people is that somehow, when a lot of time has passed with another person, there is the expectation that it should continue only because of that past and of all the work that went into it in the past; staying together in such circumstances, when there is no real basis in the living, breathing relationship as it is lived in the moment makes no sense.

    If she engages in activities that require her to act as some kind of investigator, or snoop, maybe the question she needs to answer is: is it worth it? Is this what love means? What are you clinging to, the person you presumably love and honor, or some idea of what you think a relationship should be?
     
  8. Rade

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    I'm new to EC and I hope my advice helps in someway.
    From reading your post I get an impression your wife still has a strong love for you. Perhaps counselling could help your wife to understand her marriage is over and there is no going back. She is clinging to hope you are going to change your opinion but if your gay nothing will change....
    My ex wife found someone else in a couple of months once I came out!!!!!
    If this is not an option you then need to leave your wife or if money makes this difficult do what I am doing, house share but live separate lives.
    Rade
     
  9. brainwashed

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    For years now, during my use of ECs I've seen many a married gay men deal with "the wife". I'm not married to a lady, never have been. Now and only now, do I understand why - its a bit of a story. However I'v had women go into my wallet to get information about me, against my permission, and I cannot tell you how violated I felt. Having someone go into "a phone" has to feel equally wrong.
     
  10. mnguy

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    Man I'm sorry for all the pain and frustration you've been enduring. I hope you're seeing a therapist regularly so you have an in person outlet for all this. If not, why not? Can you decide what you want your life to be like and take the steps toward that? I can relate with being stuck in life and not taking steps to improve things, but don't have the complication of a wife so I don't know all you're going through. She knows you're gay, so why are you still together? You're not going to lose your attraction to men and don't need to. Being gay is equally neutral as all other orientations. Guys are hot so there's nothing wrong with being gay. Sounds like you need to say these things to her honestly, but not in anger. The longer you hold it in the more likely you'll blow up eventually and that's never good. How about print what you wrote or modified as needed, and give to her to get the convo started again? Would you be happier if you separated and could start meeting nice guys? You can do this like lots of people here that you can chat with for support. Please hang in there and keep talking and letting it out, take care!
     
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  11. SevnButton

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    Hi @TAXODIUM -
    Thanks for reaching out here on EC. You expressed brilliantly what I feel, although what you express is way more intense. But the parallels are stunning - Yeah, I told my wife I'm bi (not full-on gay) yet it's really hard to keep the conversation going because when I try the response is anger and blame. I feel emotionally dependent on my wife and a sense of responsibility to my kids, so I hang in there. From your post, I get the impression that you want (or need) to stay connected with your wife, but desperately need to express your gay (that's not a typo, I mean "your gay" as in something you own, just as I would say "your joy"). It feels like you're asking your wife for permission, or maybe asking her to help you resolve the inner conflict that you feel.

    Maybe this is exactly where you want to be, so nothing changes over the years. Or maybe you're ready to take the next step. Either way, I hope you keep posting because your posts help me.
     
  12. dirtyshirt84

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    Sorry if what I said previously was harsh.

    I really resonate with part of what you wrote. Ever since I started seriously thinking about my sexuality again, 3 years ago as well as it happens, I have had moments of feeling like this. Inner turnmoil and sometimes a profound sense of sadness. Something that I know people must have been able to see but not understand. Something I carried with me all the time and felt in my bones.

    I hope you get to a better place. x