The Ranting Thread (WARNING! May have swearing!)

I hate when the stupid choir teacher doesn't give a damn about my sister's diabetes. She didn't even tell the shaperone (sp?). If my mom was not there for the trip yesterday (along with me), my sister could have fainted or something and they wouldn't of even known! This makes me mad!

 

We were best friends for 17 years!!! And now it's like I don't matter anymore. WTH..

 

you know, ever since september of last year, i decided to grow the balls to question my sexuality. i did that, i popped the question to myself and to others and came around to figuring out the answer even if it wasn't and still is not the answer i wanted. i graduated school last year around this time but i think the common theme of my life is how to get myself out the mud because I'M STUCK.

a part of it is because i'm not independent just yet, a part of it is due to fear of moving myself forward and getting everything over and done with, and the last part is wondering what the next step is after everything is done and over with. i still feel a bit sad about being gay and that this is pretty much my life from here on end. okay, i would say that i'm ashamed to be gay to the point where i don't want certain people to know. if i were to come out to them, i wouldn't say so to their face. i would rather someone tell them through somebody i know off of a rumor mill or something.

i just don't feel comfortable with myself to the point where i can date another guy in public even if i was interested or in love with him. it's just too much. i would like to hold hands, hug, and even do public displays of affection in front of him but i can't. i'm not dating right now because i really don't feel up for it right now but i would like to in the future if an opportunity arises for me to do so. it's funny because some nights, i get horny where i feel like finding someone to you know, hook up with. other times i want a boyfriend and then there's right now where i don't want either in my life.

before, i would have said that i don't want to get involved with anybody until i come out but now, i don't think it really matters. the only issue i have is that do i feel comfortable enough with my sexuality where i can date a guy without my slowly dying homophobia coming into play. i guess it'll take time but i have to admit, it's taking a lot of my patience because it's a painful and hurtful process which is really taking a lot of energy out of me. a whole lot. i'm basically killing the me that never was when i let go of my homophobia and this whole "i'm not gay. being gay is disgusting. you need to date women, have kids and the whole nine." and allowing myself to go with what who i really am. i haven't really been able to let go yet. i can't wait to just get this over with and i don't think i'm going to throw a party anymore when it's all said and done. i think i'm going to go to a quiet room or somewhere quiet and cry about everything. i need to because this hurts a lot. being gay hurts.

and honestly, i don't see how i'll be any happy or how things will get better after i come out and start living my life. now that i think about it, the only thing that acknowledging that i'm gay did was take off that annoying feeling that i had where i was bombarded with that internal conflict i had regarding my sexuality. i knew that i was more than likely gay than straight since i really had no interest in dating women and all my attention was going towards guys for as long as i could remember. i was trying to flip it to the other direction. now, it's like i know who i am now but after i come out the closet, go to some lgbt pride and gathering functions, find myself a boyfriend, how the hell do i stay happy when i'm not at all. this really makes me sad because i really have nothing going for the future. i feel as if i have a meaningless existence now for some reason. i just can't figure it exactly why though. i was going to say it's because i'll never be able to have kids but i think i'll still feel the same way i do now even if i was a straight guy able to have kids.

 

I'm really sick of being criticized by my grandfather on my dad's side because I'm not some crazy genius child and have no desire to be a lawyer or big time doctor like all of that side of the family. I'm sorry my grades aren't the best. I'm just sick of being treated like I'm nothing because I'm that art kid that wants to waste her life on a career that barely makes money.

I just want to stop being told what I am to be in life.

 

:bang: Studying sucks... :tears:

 

I hate that I become emotionally invested into straight men. Its a lesson I seem to have to relearn every few years when some new, hunky buck with a great smile and a kindness comes into my life.

 

DAMN FALLOUT NEW VEGAS D: why must you throw enemies at me that nobody could possibly beat?? *swats a deathclaw*

 

Ouch, that hurt.

I decided to look at the anime thread because, hey, I keep running into anime anyways, so I might as well look into, right? Well, I get through about five posts before I see one that I remember talking to my crush about on numerous occasions. She didn't even watch anime - the only reason this one came up was because she was doing a report on post-war Japan.

I'm a total geek, and I can't spend 5 minutes around geek culture without running into something that reminds me of her. How much longer is it going to take for me to finally be over her?

 

Bad start to the day.

Firstly, I woke up with a stuffy nose, and realized that I must have been exposed to too much cold during the camping trip. It's not a sure thing, but I believe I have a cold. Great...just a day before my dad comes, promising to take me on a visit to another city for a few days.

The rest of my rant has to do with my parents.

When I checked my email this morning, I saw a long email from my mom, basically expressing both my parents' concern that I'm 26 and don't yet have a full-time job despite my education. They both have Type-A personalities, which means that they are rather impatient people who don't like waiting for things to get done, or people to get ready. When I was young, they'd do everything for me, down to brushing my teeth, because they felt I couldn't do these things quickly enough. As a result, I've become kind of neurotic (and possibly ADD) because I also have a Type-A personality, but I'm reacting against my parents' personalities by trying to be more laid-back and not doing everything RIGHT THIS SECOND AND QUICKLY. This also applies to job-hunting--they insist on helping me with applications, resumes, cover letters, etc. The problem with this is that they insist on me doing everything the way my dad thinks is best. I've gotten in quite a few altercations with him when I tried to respectfully refuse to do things his way because I honestly thought my way was better.

My friends in this city have been trying very hard to help me find a FT job here. One of them offered me a PT job helping her fiance' at his business this summer, in order for me to be able to earn some cash while looking for FT work. Here is what my mom said, verbatim, about this in her email: "Of course it is so nice of them to help you but I think you deserve a much better life than working part-time on something that does not require a business school education.". Did I say I didn't aspire any higher than making this PT job my life's goal? Did I say I wanted to waste my education? Is it wrong for my friends to want to help me stay here, in the city that I love?

Another thing that annoys me to no end: she suggested that "having a family" and maybe "raising a kid" are things that they think I should have done (or should be thinking seriously about doing), but that they didn't push me hard enough to do. They'd expressed exasperation when I told them that I didn't ever want to get married, and even asked if my friends are influencing my attitude toward marriage. They have expressed mild disapproval of my friends before--for being overweight, for being "too negative", and now for influencing me to not want to get married (something that I've formed an opinion on a long, long time ago.

On being overweight: It's another one of those things that frustrates me, having two Type-A parents who are also fitness freaks (my mom especially). They hate seeing me overweight. Among the very first things they do when they see me after a long time is assess whether I've gained or lost weight. My mom is obsessed with making me wear only clothes that flatter me, and has expressed her frustrations with my dislike of "girly" things like dresses, heels, and makeup. I've gotten into arguments with her over choosing outfits; she's even gotten angry with me before for refusing to wear what she wanted me to wear.

I'm not asking my parents to be perfect; I'm asking them to back off a little.