The Ranting Thread (WARNING! May have swearing!)

I HAVE A MASSIVE HEADACHE!!! AHHHH! and today someone at my school pulled the fire alarm right as I was going to lunch. I was starving and then I had to wait 15 minutes outside in the cold to eat my lunch... *uh*

 

So sad right now mom n i are over

 

I've never felt so depressed in my life. Ok, that is slightly a lie. There was a time when I was struggling with my orientation where I was even thinking of just ending it all...

Why does this happen? Why can't people just accept me for me? The hardest thing I had to do was come out as Gay, because I felt that was a lie. I am not gay. I am a straight male. But I thought that would be easier on them if I came out as gay first...

At first my parents and everyone said they accept me...then why whenever we talk you have to say 'Maybe your not gay? Maybe this is just a phase?' 'So what if you look and act guyish? You'll never be a real man... even if you get a sex change.'

Do you know how much that hurts? I have spent YEARS hating myself, to the point I could not look in the mirror. I hate my female body and this is my chance to right it... why can't you accept that?

And my so-called 'best-friend' why can't you accept that either? Can't you see I'm hurting enough right now with my parents thinking I'm nuts, and just finding out that my girlfriend that I loved so much I was going to move all the way to the states to be with was just using me? Why do you have to tell me that you 'want nothing to do with me anymore?' You were fine with me being gay... why do you suddenly want nothing to do with me just because I am trans?

In one short week... I've seen everyone I love abandon me... no one is here to support me... I've never felt so alone...

AND I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN FUCKING HERE FOR EVERYONE! I have always tried to be the shoulder, to be the tie breaker, to be the one everyone can look upon for help. I've ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR YOU! Even if it was taking care of the family while my parents were away for that month, even if I stay up all day to move my sister when I work Graveyards... even if its letting my friends cry on my shoulder when they have a break up, or something.

No matter what the problem... I've always been there... so why... why is no one here when I need help? I hate this! I hate being alone...

 

(*hug*)

I hope everything turns out alright x

 

I don't fit anywhere in my country. Everyone's so close-minded and shallow. I have literally no one to talk to about anything I'm feeling. I feel like I'm about to explode because of all my problems, which I can't talk to anyone about. Straight people wouldn't understand what I'm going through, and if I tried to explain, they'd just think I'm crazy. And all the gay people only want sex! I was looking for a Honduran LGBT forum or something like that, and I found a Facebook group. The creator of the group posted interesting stuff, regarding same-sex marriage and stuff like that. But every comment on all the posts made were just people looking for sex! And they were all so shallow. Generally I love my country, but right now I can't help but feel disgusted and disappointed by my country. And everyone wonders why I'm leaving after college and never coming back. I'm really glad I found EC.

 

I've been having really bad mood swings lately. Either I'm a pregnant male alien of some sort, a male alien on his period, or just seriously emotional. Like seriously, I'm happy one minute then the next I'm really down. And it's really effecting how people are seeing me. Ivebern approached several times and people asked if I'm okay. It's frustrating!!!!

 

WARNING, WRITTEN AS A WAY TO VENT (BECAUSE I SERIOUSLY NEEDED TO):

Yippie! Another miserable year is close to going by. My "give me away" day! Yes! I can not seriously fucking wait! Already I want to die. Now you see for all of you NORMAL people - you don't want to die on your birthdays. Me? God, I'd do anything to just fucking toss everything away. The only reason I get up is to prove my father he was wrong about me being a fucking waste and far as I can tell - guy was a fucking criminal. God. What is so wrong with me? I just fucking hate life. I fucking hate this world. I fucking hate my god damn fucking parents! My adoptive ones are cool, I guess - but as said, my bio dad? God I want to kill that bastard. Don't worry - I don't fucking know the douche bag. Good for him, cause if I returned? I'd come in just like Connor Angel did swords flying! He's the reason my life sucks, why I don't know my Mom, why I can never trust any fucking one not to leave me alone! He's the reason.... god damn it, I just fucking hate it!

And don't worry. Not suicidal. I can't be. That would prove him right. That I am just a piece of shit for him to throw aside. I live - to prove him wrong. Welcome to fucking hell. Welcome to what my birthday feels like every single fucking year. Luckily "give me away day" will pass after Sunday, but jesus christ - it's like every fucking year!... I just fucking hate it.

Those who may say "they were young" - uh, uh, not the case here.

And for those who want a closer proximation I'm Luke from 'Perseus Jackson' and Connor Angel from 'Angel.'

 

I don't think I could ever live with someone who believes in feeding their pets table scraps while simultaneously not training them at all, unless it's spending half its day in a back room away from me. I gotta cook at home, it's in my blood, but no way in hell am I living with some tiny mop that's been encouraged to scurry around my feet and beg while I work by an open flame or with sharp utensils.

Turn my back for two seconds? Food's been snatched.

I'm spoiled because I grew up in a household where the dogs were trained to not even go into the kitchen. They only politely stood outside and looked in. If it doesn't sleep in a terrarium all day, it needs discipline.

 

I'm sick of people telling me what to do.

I'm sick of people telling me what I'm feeling.

I'm sick of people thinking they know me better than I know myself.

I hate what I'm feeling right now and I'd rather die than having to feel this way forever.

FUCKKK my stupid feelings, my stupid thoughts and my entire stupid ruined life right now!!! :***: Just fuck it!!!!!! :***:



I do love this thread, though! :icon_bigg God, this is just what I needed. :icon_mad:

 

The good news is that no matter how horrible you feel now, it can't last forever. Life isn't fair, and we do what we can to make it better for ourselves, even if that sometimes doesn't work.

I'm not particularily miffed about anything at the moment, although I'm not looking forward to getting my Archaeology midterm back.

 

I really need venting. *takes deep breath*

The stupid administrative system of my University is driving me nuts!!! We can use it to aplly for classes etc, but i know you can also use it to see grades online. I can't for the love of [insert name of deity] find where it is!!!

Motherf:***:ing Prussian-burocracy-lovers!!!:bang:

 

Just because I like guys doesn't mean I'm gay, why is this so hard for girls (straight girls) to understand. I mean, seriously wtf? Gays can handle it. Straight friends can handle it. Straight girls can't usually. Why?

 

I'm sick of people, I am sick of the names they call me, the stereotypes they believe to be true. I hate lying to my family, and being alone all the time. I need someone who cares, even though I seem like a heartless B**ch most of the time I tend to be a very sensitive person. And the fact that I always try to please others, and that it seems like I never can....Pisses me off, people need to understand that I need to be who I am, not who they want me to be....I can NOT do this forever...

 

I'm really pissed at the moment - it's my 21. birthday tomorrow (it's night time here in belgium) and no one is really doing anything about it. I'm not an attention-wh**e but I had to ask them if the bought me a cake or present or even a card! I mean - come on - I live with these people and how can they just forget my birthday?!
It's like this every year an it's only with my birthday! They remember everyone elses... God!

Good thread though

 

I've been putting off ranting about my problems for a while, but after being up past 6 am trying to sleep last night/this morning but uncontrollably going into bouts of crying, I figure it might help me to let it out here. I don't think I've ever felt so lost in my life, more so even then the worst times when I was in the closet. Most of the time I'm able to keep it bottled in and even find some enjoyment doing normal things like watching TV, but when I'm alone and not doing anything my mind returns to all of the shitty aspects of my life at the moment. My mom was diagnosed with brain cancer a couple of months ago, I feel like I'll never find anyone to be with, I'm trying to finish a thesis project that my heart isn't invested in, and despite trying to better myself by coming out last summer it seems like nothing is getting better in my life. A month ago when I tried doing my one main hobby that I'm usually passionate about and that usually makes me feel better after doing, I felt nothing. I felt numb to it. I feel like if it weren't for having the few people in my life that truly give a damn about me, I wouldn't have a reason to be here. I went to my first counseling appointment ever on Monday, but it didn't really help me any.

I'm still dealing with a crush on a guy that I've had for over a year now. I am convinced that he is closeted based on his behavior around me, but he is in a relationship with a girl and he associates with homophobic rednecks. At first I thought I was making progress in getting over him after not seeing him for over two months. In trying to kill my crush feelings I resorted to finding ways of hating him, even feeling convinced for a while that he was probably only pretending to be friends with me just for academic help. But then a couple of weeks ago I was heading down the hallway in one of the university buildings and he approached me from out of one of the classrooms and asked me how I was doing (he had heard about what happened to my mom). If he had been using me and didn't care about me at all, he wouldn't have bothered flagging me down to talk to me. The moment I saw him all of my feelings of anger towards him went away and now I'm back to dreaming fantasy scenarios about if he were to come out and end up with me. I've even thought about asking him to help me with a project this summer (which would work for logistical reasons since I do need someone's help and his hometown is near where I'll be doing surveys). If I were one on one with him in a remote area away from people, he might be more willing to open up to me about any thoughts he's had. BUT, I also realize there is a very slim chance that he would ever come out and I'm probably just setting myself up for disappointment if I ask him to come along with me. BUT, if I don't try then I'll never know whether or not something between us could ever happen. I don't know what to fucking do.

As far as other things on the dating front, so far I've only asked one guy out on a dinner date that went nowhere and was hit on by another guy at a gay bar. I made out with the guy at the bar, but I was so nervous even going solo at a bar that when he stuck his tongue in my mouth my gag reflex acted up. And besides that, I was not aroused at all even kissing my first guy ever. Outside of the nervousness, kissing him did not feel any different than making out with the few girls I dated back in high school. I think the depression I was feeling about my mom also factored into it, so I probably shouldn't have even been trying to meet anyone that night. I felt so fucked up afterwards that I even refused his advances to give me a blowjob. From this experience I don't think the bar scene is a viable option to meet someone. And the online dating thing seems equally as forced. The three guys that I've ever had feelings for in my life have always been through getting to know them in class or at work. And those three guys were either straight or closeted bisexuals/gays. I honestly feel at this moment like I'll never find anyone that I like that is openly gay and available. Everyone keeps telling me that there's "someone out there for everyone" and that, oh, one day you'll find someone when you're not even looking. Since nothing has happened yet in my 25 years of fucking virginity and being alone, it seems like total bullshit even though I keep trying to tell myself this fucking advice. I've been alone all this time and I don't see it changing anytime soon. If someone is truly out there for me, where the fuck are you!?

And while I'm ranting about shit, I might as well talk about how pissed off I am at my friend. He is the first bisexual/gay friend I've had and I've been going to him for advice since coming out to him back in October. We had become closer and hung out a lot (I'm NOT interested in him at all in a romantic/sexual way) and he had been there for me when my mom was first hospitalized. But then, he stopped talking to me as much and when I asked him about it he said that his boyfriend is the extremely jealous type. He told me that his boyfriend has even snatched his phone from him to monitor his text messages! I offered to talk with his boyfriend to assure him that I'm not interested in my friend and he doesn't have to worry. Since having that talk, my friend has stopped texting me and stopping by to see me (even though the lab he works at is right across from my office). A couple of weeks ago I saw him traveling opposite down the hall and when I said "hi" he barely acknowledged me and kept walking past me to where is boyfriend was waiting for him down the hall. I can understand him wanting to spend time with his boyfriend and all, but when it comes to him outright avoiding me as a friend at a time when I could really use the friendship, I can't understand that. I wish he had the courage to stand up to that insecure, overly-jealous cunt of a boyfriend he has.

I really need something to go right for once in my life right now! I can't stand fucking feeling like this. I know that all I can do is focus on the things I can control like getting my thesis done, but the things that matter most to me in my life seem out of my control. I know if I give up I'll never have the opportunity for better days to arrive, but I feel like I'm going to be waiting forever for those times to get here. And with my family's medical history and what's happening to my mom right now, it makes me wonder if my life will be cut short before I can find happiness. I don't even know what I want to do with my life anymore. Fuck, I'm so lost right now!

 

FOR GOD F:***:
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH
I want so badly to end my friendship with someone but I'd feel bad about it but I'm not getting anything from this friendship but hurt feelings!!! I need to meet other GAY PEOPLE because nobody I talk to about anything understands me or my problems! I try to talk to her about how I feel so alone and she retaliates but telling me about how alone SHE feels because HER BOYFRIEND doesn't text her.
I'M SO FUCKING TIRED OF EVERYTHING. I need to meet new people but I don't know how :tantrum: :tears:

 

i'd just like to know why my mother is generally judgemental. my own judgementalism is something i really dislike about myself, like i put a lot of effort into being mindful of my words but she doesn't understand what that means. our relationship is good, we get along fine and she's never directly taught me to be judgemental (in fact she's taught me to be accepting and tolerant of everybody) but she says so many judgemental things and it really does bother me. and if i say anything she just laughs smugly like she knows she's still right no matter what i say.

this rant started because she told me i drink too much. she loves to tell me i drink too much. alcoholism runs in our family, so she's known plenty of people who do indeed drink too much. i do not drink too much. i like to drink, not saying otherwise, but i'm responsible. why does she need to say anything? that just makes me feel irritable and spiteful, and that makes me drink more. why couldn't she just not say anything? especially since it's not worth saying. because i don't drink more than anybody she could possibly try to compare me to. plus i'm not a belligerent drinker, i'm not clumsy or sloppy, i don't make a mess and i know my limits so i don't get sick. so why does she love to hear herself talk?

 

I'm so tired of getting teased with possible relationships and then none of them ever working out because the guys turn out to be such douchebags. Ugh, I wish I could find a girl.

 

I am so sick of being closeted! I've become so apathetic recently, and I'm losing motivation to do things. I miss the old days when I didn't realise I was gay, and being closeted didn't affect me. I'm not saying that I wish I was straight, but I just wish I wasn't closeted.

I NEED TO TELL SOMEONE!

I hate how there's no one I can tell that I can guarantee wouldn't tell anyone else. The last thing I need is this being common knowledge at an all-male school. I'm sick of this feeling!!!

I don't think I'd have the confidence to tell someone a secret this big anyway. Why does it have to be a big shock? Everyone knows I'm left handed, why is it not the same level of acceptance?

Since I forgot what my new year's resolution was, I'll make a new, late one. COME OUT TO SOMEBODY!!!

:bang:

 

I HATE not being able to talk about anything with anyone but a close group of friends. Constantly my mom's friends are telling me "No! She's a girl! You can't sleep over!" (referring to a platonic friend whose mother thinks that we're in love) or "when you get a girlfriend, or, God forbid, a boyfriend...." and I just want to scream at them. But I can't, because my mother doesn't want me to tell anyone else (after I came out to 20+ friends successfully). I'm tired of not being able to assert myself.