I can't remember how I found this essay, but I found it pretty interesting. It's a bit of a long read, but a worthwhile one, I think, that touches on what comphet actually is versus what people think it is, and how these misconceptions breed more contradictions and misinformation within the LGBTQ+ community in particular, and society in general. https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/89519244/posts/3174367569 If you give it a read, let me know what y'all think.
@BiGemini87 The link asks for a login. Is there another link you could share? I’m very interested in reading, even if it is long. Thanks!
Ah, my bad. Hopefully this one works? https://undividedforkuleuven.com/2021/02/10/the-problem-with-comphet/
I was left feeling baffled after reading this article and can't get my head around this. Personally, I do not consider my lesbian identity to be political. Rather, it simply is what it is. I don't want to date men, I don't find them sexually attractive and I've never had a crush on a man, so I use the lesbian label for practical reasons - to communicate to others that I want to date women. This isn't a deliberate action to distance myself from men, rather men were just never in the picture in the first place. If this changed, then I'd start using a different label to communicate this. That would be fine, I'm not married to the label, I just use it as a descriptor because it communicates my current experiences. Bisexual lesbians do seem an odd concept to me, since I tend to view labels in a practical sense - as a way of communicating to others what you're looking for in a potential relationship. Still, if people want to identify that way then they're free to since it doesn't affect my life. I guess it's tricky when you've had bad experiences with men as a woman attracted to multiple sexes, and don't want to date one as a result, but that seems more something to discuss in therapy. The idea of identifying as a lesbian in a political sense is not something I can relate to or fully understand. However, I do agree that heteronormativity can lead to lesbians assuming that they are interested in men. When figuring out my sexuality, I did briefly identify as bisexual since I assumed that I liked men just because I assumed I did. I essentially had two revelations, 'Hold on, I like women, I guess I'm bi then" and then later 'wait, do I even like men?' Growing up, I was told that men and women are never just friends, so I assumed that the close friendships I had with men must therefore be romantic. I even ended up dating a guy because I thought that romantic feelings would inevitably follow due to how close we were. However, as the relationship progressed and there was more pressure on us to be physical with one another it became clear that something was missing. I used to wonder if I was doing something wrong, as if it were a game where you had to follow a bunch of steps to unlock romantic feelings. Then I wondered if it was just him, but as time progressed it became quite noticeable that the other girls were having crushes on guys and I wasn't. I wondered if I was late bloomer, but I knew that my feelings for women had occurred quite early on and that I may potentially never feel the same way about guys. So I started identifying as lesbian and I still find that an accurate descriptor for my situation. That's not to say bisexual women aren't valid though, they absolutely are. Lesbians do have a unique experience, but it is one that shares similarities with other queer women, however there are noticeable differences. This difference does not invalidate either identity.
@Canterpiece I think you make excellent points. The fact that lesbianism as political has become viewed as the status quo is a bit troubling, considering for individuals such as yourself, that isn't the case. Likewise, I find it pretty off-putting when bisexual women say things like "I'm unfortunately attracted to men" because 1) it sends the wrong signal to bisexual girls/women just coming into their bisexuality and makes them feel like traitors for daring to be attracted or in relationships with men, and 2) Is extremely reductive in how it treats men as a whole--as if they're something to be despised and can only be tolerated at best. It's one thing to not be attracted to them; it's another to spread misandry with impunity. I did like some of the article's points, but yeah, like you I found some of it a bit... Confusing. Of course, so was the initial essay it was in reply to.
I absolutely hate this kind of approach in relationships, as I believe that it is unfair on the partner. Women aren't these mythical ethereal beings that are inherently better than men. Further, misandry and misogyny in all their different forms are a negative and I dislike when people use their bisexuality as an attempt to justify such beliefs. I can't get my head around why a person would date someone and then go on a social media platform to say that their partner should be thankful they are dating because that person could easily date someone else with different characteristics if they wanted. Personally, if I had a girlfriend and she went online to talk about how lucky I am to date her because she could be dating a better woman or be with a man, then I'd dump her. That's toxic behaviour. I wouldn't want to feel like someone's consolation prize. The most healthy relationships that I've witnessed are the ones where each person can talk openly about people they find attractive to one another without any jealousy or insecurity. I know a monogamous lesbian couple who point out attractive women to each other, but their relationship is never questioned. However, if it goes past that line and one or both people use other attractive people as a way to say they could be doing better but are instead settling for their existing partner, then that's toxic. I think that this is only true in small but vocal social circles. Although I don't want to gatekeep, I do find it bizarre when I see cases where a woman has a husband that she adores and is attracted to, but socially identifies as a lesbian. Bisexuality isn't a bad word. I've never heard of the reverse - a bisexual man happily married to a woman but socially identifying as a gay man.
@Canterpiece I 100% agree on all counts. I can't imagine shit-talking my husband just to justify my attraction to women. I want to believe that in a lot of these cases, there is some serious internalized biphobia/homophobia lending itself to these attitudes and that they don't really mean it--yet there are certainly those who do, and in either case, the ends don't justify the means. And you're right, it absolutely is toxic behaviour. I mean, why would someone say that about or to their partner? Why would they say or do something so hurtful to someone they supposedly love? I wish more people would think for themselves, rather than allowing the social media hivemind control them.
Second, when I read this article, I thought of the policing I see in lesvian spaces. I mean, I like women, I want to date a woman, therefore I end up in lesvian circles. With my biology, I might increase my chances for a happily ever after this way. I have no clue what is going on with this lesbian separatism and it makes me feel uneasy doing my business. I don't meet the criteria for "woman" and I constantly feel on guard that I will get called a creep or something, or that my being afab will be doubted (feminine socialisation ommited me for a large part and I live as a dude, not to mention my lack of "drivers" for being female, I ain't got a clue about being a woman at times), but I have to stick with that, because I have and will have a vagina.
