The paranoia is killing me…did anyone else experience this?

Been experiencing a lot gender dysmorphia the last few weeks to the extent it’s ruining my life. Can’t get aroused with the gf, feel weird around ppl I’ve always known, can’t bring myself to leave my room much, lost pride and feel in my own body.

I went to a biking get together this weekend and it was my first time going out with friends since I got hit with the “I’m trans” thoughts. Honestly it was a great time when I was around my friends but when I was alone with my thoughts thats when it strikes. Still for all the good I had there was just as much bad.

I’m 31 cis gender male whose life has come crashing against him and I would like to know some things.

.mtf do you feel disconnect from your penis fairly quickly after this? It was working like 10 days ago but now idk if I’m reading too into it or if I truly dislike it now. I’m unable to get aroused by much now and feel weird masturbating.

.do you suddenly feel uncomfortable going into gender assigned bathrooms? I don’t remember having issues with that until the paranoia hit a while ago though I am comfortable physically going in a urinal.

.feel immediately uncomfortable around ppl and the pronouns you’ve known your whole life?

.get uncontrollable thoughts when you hear he/she or look at a girl too long and think you’re looking at her because of envy?

Don’t know who is looking at you in the mirror anymore?

Will I start craving to wear women’s clothing and having their parts? Never imagined having them but now I can’t even picture the penis on me…

Is this really my fate?

Feel free to ask me anything but I can say I have never truly fit in imo with the male crowd even though I’m m exactly like them, I’ve always had a little body dysmorphia, and have had questionable times. Honestly though some of these things just seem so out of the blue…

 

I should also mention I’m starting to get nervous watching porn as I feel like I’ve lost my desire to be the dominant one for sex. I’ve legit never had a dream, fantasy, or desire to be submissive yet now I’m nervous because all I’m seeing is me being submissive. This is totally not me so is it paranoia due to the situation or more of future to be?

 

when it comes to sex I’ve always been “the male” and enjoyed being dominant as I’ve never once had a thought of being the sub. It’s not like I’m an overwhelming dom but it’s who I was but now when I watch it’s like I’m perceiving myself as female and I hate it.

no one has perceived me as female yet but that’s because I continue to live my normal life so far and I don’t want to change that. I wouldn’t even know how if I could.

 

Had to reupload as this posted it weird in my last comment.

I think there are some positives if I were to think hard but the anguish is far more relevant to me right now. I just don’t want to be female and embrace this new identity. Again I’ve spent what will most likely be 1/3 of my life being someone I’ve enjoyed who while have had some paranoia issues and worried about my sexuality didn’t have this and now I just feel robbed.

I take thes stupid tests almost daily and see if I’m trans and while I admit feeling uncomfortable now I definitely do not want to hit the button to switch to female as my body is just not interested in becoming a woman nor do I want an operation or hormones but then I immediately second guess myself so Idk if I want breasts as I always hated my man boobs. However there are all sorts of undeniable thoughts crossing my head right now that are just ruining me.

I want to come out to my parents but I have no idea of what I am now and that would be similar to a time when I was convinced I had AIDS even though I didn’t and had no signs. It’s one of those where maybe I’m just obsessing and it’s made the paranoia or ocd too much again. I still wonder if this is body dysmorphia and I’m covering it up trans thoughts as I’ve always been nervous I’d come out as one after hearing a scary story (imo) as a kid. It’s awful but idk if I’m actually having thoughts of being a woman or if I’m simply having the thoughts that worry that I will become a woman. I haven’t been able to think of myself in ladies clothing or with different parts but idk for sure.

I keep looking for places to go to therapy but that also scares me as I simply don’t know who to go to and what it’ll mean for my mental health down the line. I’m also worried if I go I will become trans. I can’t win no matter what I do…

 

Correct me if I'm wrong Lchaos, but nothing you've written over the past week or so suggests that you've been suppressing a long-held yearning to be female.

Beth[/QUOTE]

it just hit me but your definitely right on that. I can’t think of a single time I’ve been envious of women. I’ve been thankful for being a guy more than I can remember. I remember when I saw a thing for women during health class where I discovered what they had to go through and thought it was gross so I almost threw up and left the room (one of the things that made me suspect I may have been gay lol). The other big thing is dreams…I legit have never been a woman in my dreams nor have I been dominated which I find incredibly odd for someone who may have these issues.

im starting to wonder if I’m non-binary and just don’t want to accept the fem part. I’ve accepted I’m a feminine man but I just don’t want this to eat at me. I’m considering getting a breast reduction to get rid of my man boobs and I feel like that may make me feel less awkward when I look down. Ever since I got these thoughts I get this weird tingle feeling there and want it gone. Maybe seeing myself without breasts would make me feel better. I saw a buddy of mine with small pecs or breasts (whatever) this weekend and I really really wanted that on my chest! Maybe the paranoia would help with that…ugh I’m crazy