The Next Step

SvenButton

When I went to a therapist befor I came out, I just told my wife I was having anxiety and needed help. That was good enough for her. So, I didn't have to hide the costs of the therapy.

A white lie I guess. I was anxious about coming out.

 

It sounds like you are ready svenbutton. I'm cheering you on.

I remember when I came out, I was counseled here to think of responses my wife might have and how to react to those responses. So, I made up lots of scenarios of responses.

The idea, I was told, was by being prepared, I could stay on message. Well. The reaction my wife had...laughter...was not one of them and I became flustered and couldn't get my speech finished.

I finally just asked her to let me finish since I had practiced it so much.

Be prepared, but be ready to be flexible and able to answer any question you can think of.

This is exciting and terrifying isn't it?

 

Sevn, I offer great strength and courage to YOU when you do have that talk with your wife.
I hope afterwards, that both of you can be at peace with each other and be at peace individually.

Best of luck.

 

Wow, good luck @SevnButton. I came out to my wife a few months ago and she’s been so supportive of me. She’s even the one who found empty closets for me and forwarded the link!

 

Can you pay cash and tell her you are going back to therapy? Then use the center for support in coming out to her? I do think you'll want support during the aftermath of coming out as well. There's a lot to think about and work through. You could then open the conversation when you are ready by telling her where you've been getting your therapy.

I've kind of taken my journey to tell my husband incrementally. Not sure it's the best method, but I think it's worked OK for me so far.

I started the process by telling my husband I wasn't happy and that I wanted to see a therapist. That way he at least had some warning that something was going on. My therapy sessions have prompted him to ask me questions and led to me eventually being able to tell him I was attracted to women. I told him a few weeks later that I was considering us splitting up (that has been the hardest conversation so far) and that I'm interested in dating a particular woman.

He has taken it all in so gracefully and been amazingly supportive. I know that isn't everyone's experience, but it does happen. I am hoping for the best possible outcome for you. This hasn't been easy, but most days I feel like I'm on the right path to living an authentic life.

 

“It occurs to me that the path to an authentic life should be authentic as well.”

#30
You summed it up perfectly!! ☺️

 

Sounds like we have a lot in common.

 

Sven

I think I shared this before. I wrote a love letter to my wife that I gave her before my speech. In it, I described how I felt when we met and how she has made my life so amazing. I also explained why I had been unable to share my secret. How my sexuality was always a part of me and how terrified I was that she might not accept me if she knew. How I had tried to keep those parts of me from her at the risk of losing her and how I now see that keeping them from her might cause me to lose her.

I made it romantic. I was looking for something in her purse a year or so later and the letter was there. She carries it with her.

My speech covered more ground. I let her know I had always known and had grown up in fear of my sexuality. How I kept from it everyone, even myself. How I had learned to hate it and now learned not to any longer.

I told her I had almost cheated with a man to give each other handjobs. This is when she started laughing. She told me "I sucked at cheating because that isn't even sex".

I made sure she understood that I was telling her all this because I wanted, more than anything, to remain married. I kept reinforcing that point because so many of us come out to our wives as the first step in living as a gay man and leaving the marriage.

That's likely to be a big fear for your wife. Be prepared for sex after. I've probably chatted with a couple dozen men about their coming out and it is very common for a spike in intimacy following disclosure!

Again...good luck!!!!