The marriage dilemma

Hi there I am in mid 50's been married 29 years with three kids in 20's . I found my SSA later in life but didn't ever tell my wife , I cheated on her starting 6 years ago exploring my attraction and have done everything with a guy from kissing to oral to anal too. Needless to say not proud of my infidelity and if could do one thing over it would be tell my wife I have SSA. So she found out and confronted me needless to say we have been going through a lot together and me by myself. We are doing g really well overall but invisibly my sexuality is the big question going forward . I would at SSA is very prevalent with married
Men as my therapist who is a PHD and specializes with sexuality and gay affirming tells me it is crazy the amount of married guys he sees with the same issue all asking the same question "-am I gay?' Needless to say the answer is not simple and very individual. I have told my wife everything from the first time I started Nd sexually what I ah e done with guys . I also never got the label because done want or need one other tha. I am
Not straight . So we are dealing with it together knowing first about my sexuality and equally as important why did the infidelity happen and what in our marriage we both need to addrsss. Work in progress but my wife has been amazing treating me wonderfully and with respect I never deserved but she knows I had tremendous remorse and depressed ashes on my sexuality and is glad I am dealing with it myself too.

 

How is the sex with your wife? If you are attracted to her and enjoy sex with her while also being attracted to guys then you are probably somewhere in the proverbial grey area in terms of your sexual preference. That's probably where most people are as well.

Whether you would be happy being romantically involved with a man seems to be the unanswered question here, which I don't think you can really answer by giving or receiving a few blow jobs. So maybe asking yourself about (i.e., really thinking about) your desires (or lack of same) to do other sexual stuff with men and your history of crushes on guys and gals would help give you some clarity about yourself. You might also decide whether you need to experiment with men further to get a clearer picture. Since your wife knows you're questioning significant things about yourself that also affect her you'll need to be upfront with her in terms of what you decide, but I would not if I were you expect her to help you figure this out. If you need someone else's input then I would see an unbiased counselor.

One thing that is a huge blessing here is that you don't have kids and you've been married for only one year, which will make it much easier to unwind if that's what you decide to do.

I hope that's of some use.

 

Amen to @justAguyinsf as his post makes a lot of sense . Since I been married long time with kids the fact I explored late in life compounds it all for both me and my wife as we work through it . You are in early years of marriage and hve options that will be less painful and brutal

 

Hey there, I agree with what the guys said. You are very early in your marriage without kids. That is a blessing in your situation. I'm a woman coming out as bisexual (not straight/whatever) in my marriage. We been together for 16 years and I have two kids. So, I will tell you that the problems in my marriage began before I was forthright with my husband about my same sex attraction. But, it complicated everything. I also cheated. With a woman. The reasons I cheated were related to our other issues (in NO way justifying - I take full responsibility for the infidelity), but the fact that it was with a woman, compounded the lack of trust. Anyway, my husband can't accept the same sex attraction. And I want to explore it. I think maybe try to reframe your situation and say, hey, I've discovered something new about myself. I don't want to hurt my wife but I need to find out more about myself before continuing in my marriage which I take very seriously.
It's clear you value your marriage and your wife. Try not to feel guilty as you explore more about yourself. It's ok.

 

@oed27x agree with what you say and I have explored my same sex attraction for past almost 7 years , and yes they are real and won't ever just disappear as it is part of who I am and yes I say I am not straight but realized in past few years most of my actions were totally gay on the spectrum. Regardless we all
Make choices at some point so being upfront and open is the choice I suggest as I wished I did even if the outcome was the same , my wife didn't deserve the betrayal one bit and I will forever live with that pain deep inside me.

 

Mj5963 - I agree. Upfront and honest is the right way to go. I wish I had been upfront before acting on my attractions.

 

Oed27x omg yes me too , when I told my wife my first time was in 2010 she wa shocked that it has been this long and I never ever felt I should tell her ? Can't change what I did and I told her I was in such a state of exploring and not knowing who I was etc I was to afraid and not sure how to tell her I was essentially gay etc

 

QA, it is good that you are going through this now rather than later, so welcome to your journey of self discovery! One of the reasons people sometimes do not realize they have same sex attractions until later in life is because of shame. As we go through life, we are constantly confronted with homophobic messages. And these messages cause us to raise a defensive mechanism and protect ourselves. To protect ourselves, whether consciously or subconsciously, we try and bury the same sex attractions deep down inside.

At the same time, many closeted people burying same sex attractions have a fear of being alone. This fear is brought on by low self esteem and low confidence. Low self esteem and low confidence are results of shame and internalized homophobia. When you are experiencing shame and internalized homophobia, a person struggles to see how others can love them, and even struggle to love themselves. It's not uncommon to question: If you can not love yourself, how can others? And if others can not, will I therefore always be alone?

I would suggest continuing to put your relationship on the pause button. It sounds like your wife is being supportive and willing to give you the space to figure things out. And rather than rush back in, when clearly your dealing with very strong same sex attractions, you should be working through your attractions and better understanding yourself. You have time, take advantage of it.

I would suggest working with a therapist if you are not doing so already. First, you need to understand your same sex attractions. Then you need to understand the shame that has developed, moving on to working through any internatilized homophobia. Find closure with how you got to this point and free yourself of the negativity that lead you to bury these SSA deep inside. And then, with a clear head, decide what makes sense for your relationship going forward with your wife.

When you learn to love yourself, you may be surprised to find your fear of being alone diminishes. At the same time, you may open yourself up for others to love you back.

 

Questionsabound,

I'm 34 and I came out to my wife and myself about 2 1/2 years ago. Now I identify as bi but in no way did I come to that conclusion right away. When I first told my wife about my same sex attractions (that I had been repressing and denying for longer than I had realized) I did so because we were having problems and there was a lot of sources of frustration, one being intimacy. Although neither of us would put a label on anything right away, she was scared and hurt.

Although I had come out to her without having done anything with another man, she did ask me if I ever wanted to. I told her that I did. I still do. And just like with your wife and you, we agreed to take time to evaluate our feelings. I didn't leave the house because we do have kids, but we did take time to think about things and share with our closest confidants. I also saw a therapist. After not very long, a couple of weeks, we agreed that we love each other very much and the truth is, neither of us sees a life away from each other as a happy one. We love each other very much. And though I still am attracted to men and I do not have her consent to explore sexually with anyone else, she does know and is perfectly okay with me watching gay or bi porn. She's okay with me mentioning a guy is "good looking" once in a while. And we also do things now that i like in the bedroom. I will not get into specifics, but shes okay with all of it because she understands it's who I am. it sounds like your wife is trying to do the same. And so are you.

I called myself bi earlier because that's how I now identify. I took me a while to get here and a lot of that is because I'm comfortable with labels. Not everyone is and that's okay. I don't really tell anyone outside of EC that I like men and I'm okay with that too. My wife knows and I know and over time, that makes me comfortable. it may not work for everyone, but it does for us. And I think that's key if you decide to try to work things out. Finding common ground that you can both work at.

I'll mention this as well, in case it helps. I do not have the same kind of attractions to men that I do with women. With women, I like everything about them. The way they look, smell, talk, walk, etc. Everything. I think God made them beautiful and I'm very attracted to my wife. She's hot. And I am in love with her. I've also really, really like other girls before. Feelings. With men, it's mostly about looks and if I had the okay, mostly about sex. I've gotten comfortable with this too. But I didn't know right away.

I still don't have everything figured out, but I am happy in my life right now and hope my little story can help you in some way. Feel free to follow up with any questions on here or in private through my profile, if I can be of any assistance.

 

Great and inspiring story! You may find it interesting to know (or already know) that there are men and women who knowingly enter into mixed-orientation marriages because they decide after much consideration that the pros of doing so outweigh the cons. Just goes to show that there are a lot of options for living a meaningful life.