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The last 6 months of my life have been absolute hell

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by snowman123, Aug 24, 2015.

  1. snowman123

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    My whole life growing up, I was sure I was straight. I always looked at girls, thought about girls, and had attractions to girls. Since freshman year of high school, I have not had an emotional connection with a girl, but I was still physically and sexually attracted to them. The last year of my life is what has really got me confused. I have transitioned into primarily looking at males in public, and have developed anxiety when around most female peers. I think the anxiety is from PTSD that I experienced after a night with a girl I thought I was in love with. I also have anxiety basically anywhere now. Also OCD. I basically have been nonstop thinking about my orientation since February. I can't think of anything else. My grades dropped in college. I perform slower at work because the speaking voice in my head is always preoccupied with orientation-based thoughts. I can't talk to most of my friends because of a newly-formed intense social anxiety. I feel like I might be gay now but I can't tell. I still think girls are sexually attractive and I have difficulty thinking of males in a sexual way (I have tried since my questioning started). If being gay would mean all of this would go away, then I will accept it. I feel like I am dying. I don't have money for a doctor//therapist right now, I have come to the internet as my last hope.
    Please ask questions. Please figure out everything you can and give me your honest opinion because I have never felt so lost in my life. I am sorry for my scrambled thoughts, It has just been so incredibly difficult to think coherently. I am honestly sad when I think about what this anxiety has done to my mind.
     
  2. Chiroptera

    Admin Team Full Member

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    Hey snowman123,

    Welcome to EC!

    First of all, take a deep breath and stay calm. Everything is fine, and you will figure out all of this.

    Only you can conclude things about your orientation. The good news is that we can help to guide your thoughts so you can reach a conclusion.

    Ask yourself some of the questions below. Do it when you are in a calm place, and don't rush yourself to answer them. Take your time, relax:

    Do you feel sexually attracted to women? And romantically?
    Do you feel sexually attracted to men? And romantically?
    Can you see yourself in a relationship with a woman in the future? And what about a man?

    Again, i remind you, the best advice i can give is: Stay calm before anything. If you remain calm, you will be able to see your thoughts more clearly and untangle them easier.

    Hugs (*hug*)
     
  3. TeamTeal

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    Since you already suffer from OCD and anxiety, you could also be suffering from a specific type of OCD called Sexual Orientation OCD. You show some strong signs of it with obsessive fears of being gay and constant intrusive thoughts.

    You could start off by taking this test: Gay OCD / HOCD Test - OCD Center of Los Angeles

    While it won't replace consulting with a professional, perhaps it can give you some answers. Acknowledging that you may suffer from SO-OCD may give you some relief and may help you feel more calm on a daily basis.

    Doesn't your college offer some kind of free therapy sessions ? OCD is usually addressed through Cognitive and behavioural therapy. You really need to talk to a professional.

    The website I suggested above also has some general resources about SO-OCD: Gay OCD / HOCD / Sexual Orientation OCD - Part 1 And you can find quite a lot of information about it online.

    I used to suffer from another form of OCD called Relationship OCD and just finding out about it and being able to recognize myself in the symptoms was already a huge relief for me. Know that you are not alone.
     
    #3 TeamTeal, Aug 24, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2015
  4. Confuseddude

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    Very quick bit of advice.....

    For me, I found that trying to work out if I'm gay, straight or bisexual could take forever. It could literally drive me insane.

    Instead I took an intermediary step. I worked on accepting the fact that I could be anything. It will take time to work things out, potentially a hell of a lot of time but in the meantime I have found relative peace with the unknown.
     
  5. TeamTeal

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    Just a quick add:

    In the meantime, I also suggest you visit Social Anxiety Forum and Social Phobia Forums. At this point, I think you need to address you anxiety before trying to figure out your sexual orientation. You can't think straight (no pun intended) in your current state of mind. And chances are, questioning your sexual orientation will disappear when you manage to get your anxiety under control.
     
    #5 TeamTeal, Aug 24, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2015
  6. snowman123

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    Thanks a ton for your quick replies.
    To Chiroptera:
    I do feel sexually attracted to women, but not romantically.
    I do not feel sexually attracted to men, but I do feel romantically attracted to them (One so far)
    Right now it is honestly hard for me to see myself with a man or a woman in the future.
    When I thought I was straight I just thought I hadn't found the right woman yet and that's why I didn't feel emotionally attached to them. With men, I have never had any sexual desire for them but I think I may have recently fallen in love with a male friend of mine (such a strange story). It feels different than any other connection I have ever felt with another human being. I want more of that, and if being gay is the answer then I would love to be gay because love feels good. The only thing is the absence of sexual attraction. My brain always says to me that a lifelong romantic relationship without physical intimacy is not sustainable. I have been combating this thought with the thought of "maybe that is the last bit of denial I am holding on to?". Or is it possible for people to live their lives normally with scattered attractions?

    To Teamteal:
    Wow. That condition basically hits the nail on the head for me. I definitely will check for free therapy on campus because after reading your links, I am definitely feeling more confident that a professional could understand and help me. It also got my head swirling around again though. Now I am thinking back to when I typed out my response to Chiroptera and I'm thinking "Were those feelings for my friend really real? It could have just been the OCD playing tricks on you." I know they were sometimes, but I was always high. Although I heard that smoking weed isn't going to change your orientation because it is decided at birth? OCD sucks.

    To Confuseddude:
    That is something i've tried to aim for, it's just really really hard.
     
    #6 snowman123, Aug 24, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2015
  7. bi2me

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    Substances like alcohol and marijuana won't change your orientation, but they can lower your inhibitions so you act on feelings you might otherwise hide. That's part of why people do stupid things when high/drunks.