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The hole in the soul

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by bmayne, Jan 25, 2021.

  1. bmayne

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    I previously posted about thinking I married the wrong man.
    https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/did-i-marry-the-wrong-man.486663/

    I won’t re post the same story so if you’re interested, there is the link.

    After reading more online and searching things like “not feeling like self with spouse” I realized I have what is called “the hole in the soul”.

    The hole in the soul stems from low self esteem and it will make you codependent. You need someone else to “complete” yourself. You find something or someone to plug that hole.

    I definitely think this is the case with me. I was codependent on my husband and after he left for boot camp and deployments I was back on my own.

    Have I grown out of this hole? I don’t know. I know my self love and self esteem are a little low.

    Did I choose the wrong person because I am co dependent? If I fix my self love issues can I fall back in love with my husband?

    Deep down I don’t love him anymore and I don’t want to fix it. I already feel “done”.

    I got married at 23 and it was before I knew what I liked in a man and that makes me wonder if I can even fix this if I wanted to. But we get along well and don’t fight. I’m just not happy where I am now. Any thoughts?
     
  2. mlansing

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    I think you might be over analyzing the situation, but that could also be a sign that you are not ready to move on from your husband yet. It’s ok to take your time with your decision. Best of luck to you guys.
     
  3. QuietPeace

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    It is not possible to really predict what changes will happen if you pursue your own health. It is still a good idea to do so. If you know that your self esteem is poor and that you are codependent it is a good idea to get into therapy and work on your issues. Once you are healthier you could then decide whether staying or leaving is the better idea, it does not seem that it is a necessary thing to leave immediately as your situation is not abusive and you are somewhat comfortable in it.

    "Wherever you go, there you are" - if the reason that you are unhappy now in this relationship is your own emotional issues then changing your relationship is not going to make you any happier. Leaving your relationship before you work on your own issues might be too fast, you might find that it is good for you once you are better. If you find that you are still unsatisfied you can always leave later.
     
    old tacoma likes this.
  4. Rin311

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    I think you owe it to yourself, and to him, to first figure out what you want and whether this is an issue of you trying to find your own worth and self-love in his presence. Meaning, is this a relationship issue, or a self-esteem/depression issue. Take care.