In many ways I'm in a good place. I'm out to my husband and accepted as such. We know divorce in in our future and will soon start working through those details bit by bit. I'm in love with a woman, and she with me. In many moments, it all feels right and good. But right now, I feel terribly low. I feel like I belong no where. I know my husband would have me forever if I was straight, but here we are now in a marriage where we don't really know who we are to each other. He has a date with another woman tomorrow, has removed me from his profile picture on Facebook, etc. All things I knew would be coming. But they don't feel good. Likewise, I don't know where I stand with the woman I'm with either. She'll talk about far into the future things for us, but can't have a conversation about what we are right now. I asked her what her plans for Pride in our city are and she looked entirely taken aback that I might want to attend, much less do something with her there. Her schedule is packed with other people, without a thought about me, it seems. And it all has me feeling really alone and isolated. I feel like I belong in no one's world now. And at the same time, it feels like I'm not free to have these feelings of sadness and hurt because I am the cause of all of it to begin with. Have others of you been in this place? It feel so interminable. I'm near tears at every turn.
I am sorry you are feeling low. I haven't been in your position but I know coming out and sorting myself out when I realised I was gay was a massive rollercoaster and I didn't have the complication of a husband. I think given your circumstances it is only natural to feel the way you do. In some ways and in moments it's great you have love and support and perhaps the glint of freedom from your marriage in the future to live openly with a woman but also you have the untangling of the marriage etc to work through and however good your relationship with your husband the changing aspects of the relationship which has been your life can be scary and unnerving. Coupled with the fact your girlfriend/lady friend isn't filling you with confidence I am sure leaves you worried you will end up going through all this hurt and ending up with nothing. This I a man sure won't be the case as even if she decides not to commit to you, there will be a lucky girl out there that will. Just believe in your decisions and hard work.
I'm sorry to hear things are difficult. I've had many moments of feeling low as well through this whole process of leaving my husband and coming out. It's not easy but you are entitled to feel how you feel, even though those feelings can seem really overwhelming sometimes. You belong here! Can you talk to your girlfriend about your feelings? I don't want to seem harsh, but if she's in love with you, it sounds like she doesn't make you a priority? When I was deeply crushing on my crush (who I just came out to on Monday, and I've come to accept that she probably doesn't feel the same as me), I had to keep reminding myself I wasn't leaving my husband for HER particularly (though I thought we had chemistry and that something would happen, it's more apparent that I was probably just making stuff up in my head), and I was leaving my husband for ME- for me to be who I really am. I found it useful to go and meet other people, rather than just sitting around fantasizing about my crush all day- I realized there is a whole gay world out there to explore! Perhaps you could go and meet other LGBT people, rather than relying on her? If she's busy, maybe you should make yourself busy too! Good luck!
Hi jsm, My heart goes out to you. I recently came back to this forum due to similar feelings. I’ve been going through my journey for almost 3 years. Things were going well and I was reaching a point of acceptance. My husband and I had an amicable divorce, and I recently moved in with my girlfriend. These new life changes have been bringing up feelings of self-doubt and longing for the simplicity of the past. While things are good in my new relationship, the fact is that this relationship takes more work. I find myself missing my relationship with my husband, and similar to what you are going through, I feel sad as I remember I am the cause of all of this. He is now happy in a new relationship, which brings me both comfort and grief. To alleviate questions about my decisions, I sometimes try to envision what it would be like to go back to a heterosexual relationship. I think I’m too far along in this journey to go backwards. Sometimes the logical understanding of reality doesn’t make the tough emotions go away. I’m hoping if I give myself time to honor these emotions, they will run their course and I will be able to let go and move forward. I think the key is making sure we don’t get stuck along the way. It’s tough to grieve the loss of a relationship while building a new one. With that said, I think experiencing same-sex relationships is also an important part of the self-discovery process. Im learning that my style of communication has to be adjusted for the new relationship. I have found myself taking things more personally when I’m going through the roller coaster of emotions, and I’m learning that it’s best to be direct about my needs rather than hoping that my gf will just know. In the situation you described, is there any reason she would be surprised that you would want to attend Pride? Is she’s open to having you join her in any of the events she is planning on attending? Were you direct with her in your preferences, or were you hoping she would take the lead?
Thank you for all of that. I'm not used to a life of so much turmoil and it is really wearing on me. I do believe in a happy ending in here. A true and honest ending that is fulfilling. It's just really hard to see it through the fog of everything at this point.
I tried to talk to my girlfriend (though she won't allow that label at this point). And my hesitant discussion got turned around on me. She feels really injured from the proceeding months. And I understand that, but also, I think she has been unreasonable in her expectations of a person who has been married for 18 years and only less than a year ago has realized she is gay. Now that we can begin seeing a real future together, I don't even know what she and I are. I thought the emotional trauma would primarily be from my husband at this point, but actually, he held my hand and comforted me as I sobbed over her the other night. It just feels whenever I express any of my hurts, it becomes a retelling of all the ways I've hurt her over the months. I don't know. Maybe she's scared now that what she thought would never actually be is almost in reach. Maybe she wants me to move more quickly because she's afraid I'll back out. But there is no going back for me whether or not she's there at the end of it. I have looked at meet-ups and such for LGBT people in the area. I'm not a particularly outgoing person though, and I feel anxious at the prospect of showing up alone. I have some great straight girlfriends, a few of which know, and they have been great. But it's hard for them to understand to a great extent. The good thing is that I didn't leap sooner for the very reason you said - I needed to make sure I was doing all this for ME. And I am. But it is all still really hard moment by moment.
I can totally understand that. Even though my situation was slightly different than yours, when I felt overwhelmed or like I was never going to come out the other side, I just tried to break down what I needed to do into small much more manageable pieces and work on them one at a time rather than look at the picture as a whole. Also never forget how far you have already come. I'm sorry that your girlfriend turned the tables on you when you tried to talk to her. Why does she feel so hurt? A lot of LGBT groups have a policy where one of the organisers will meet you beforehand and then go into the group with you so you don't feel so self conscious. I'm glad you can see that with or without your girlfriend you will come out better and happier at the end. Keep going you will get there.
It takes a long time to grieve the loss of a marriage or the loss of a significant relationship. Whatever emotions you are feeling it is natural and they will ease with time. Allow yourself to acknowledge difficult feelings and recognise that they may come and go - some days may he harder or easier than others. I separated from my husband in December 2017 but he moved out in January 2019, 2 months after my girlfriend of 1 and a half years ended it. I still have feelings for both. I am still grieving both and I guess will continue to do so. This, despite the fact that I am in a new relationship.
I have definitely found that my emotional response to S is far more intense than I've experienced before. And as she can be emotional as well, I think we both have to figure out how we navigate each other. It's strange to be re-learning myself in such ways at age 40. I understand where her surprise comes from in regard to me wanting to attend Pride. I have told her that I won't be out to the world immediately and I'm sure that was in her head. But a lot of straight people attend Pride s allies, so I don't feel I would be outed just by attending. It was frustrating that she hadn't even considered asking me though. And once I expressed my desire to attend, she said she could cancel other plans somewhere in there - which I guess should have made me happy. But I don't want to feel squeezed in and I don't want her other friends to resent me if she cancels her plans with them. Asking me to join in on her plans didn't seem to cross her mind. The good new is, I hung out with one of my best (straight) girlfriends last night and was able to laugh more than I have in a while. She is going to attend Pride with me on Friday at least, and I feel really excited about being a part of that celebration and being with someone I'm entirely comfortable with in doing so. I sounds like you are where I image I will be in a while. I'm sure grief and such comes in waves on the journey. I know what to expect from my straight married life. It's comfortable. But I know that I can't go back now, and I am excited about the future. It's just the getting there that feels so dreadful.
Coincidentally, I told my husband just that this morning! We talked about a lot of logistics and where we could start regarding our divorce. I told him I really just needed to start to feel like there are steps we are taking to get through this to alleviate some of my anxiety. I think my GF is used to people letting her down, not following through, hurting her, etc. To some level, I'm not sure she knows how to accept that she can be in a healthy relationship. So because the mess of our start (as me being a supposed straight woman who she fell in love with and me discovering through her my sexuality and love for her specifically), she suffered a lot of loneliness and heartache as I figured myself out and worked through what it all meant for my married life. I don't think she actually ever believed I would leave my husband. I'm not sure she believes it still though he and I are actively working through our entanglements.
Thank you for sharing that. I think grieving goes on for a lifetime in some manner. For a long time in this process, I was grieving the future I thought I would have. I think I've mostly managed through that, but at times I still have glimpses of that old thought. I do believe that my husband will always be an important person in my life. We just have to evolve to figure out what shape that takes now.
Well hopefully you will be able to work through everything together. I can see that the way your relationship began must have had some difficulties but hopefully she will see how far you have already come and how hard you are working.
