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The "gay statue" - have you seen this type?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Tightrope, Sep 6, 2013.

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  1. Tightrope

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    I was debating whether to put this in Later in Life or here, so here it is. It might have to do more with men 30 or 35, or older but, hey, I'm sure there are 25 year olds like this, too.

    I once went to the auto show at the convention center with a friend. My friend and I look like clean-cut types, but we didn't have a problem laughing it up or conversing with people. At this event was a guy who was probably around 35, about 5'9, slender/fit, wearing nice jeans and cool attire, fashionable eye wear, and some kind of a yuppie. However, what was most noticeable about him was his stiffness and smugness - no eye contact with anyone when he got in and out of cars, didn't interact with reps on hand, and kept a stone face. He tripped our radar, and I think he was not in any kind of denial, but just aloof and unapproachable, not that either of us wanted to. I tagged him as "Coffee Alone." You know the type - the IT guy or guy with a decent paying job sitting in a coffee shop, absorbed in his laptop, and to whom anyone and everyone around him is just a waste of space.

    My friend saw him around the city months later.
    Him: "I saw 'Coffee Alone'."
    Me: "Really? Who was he with?"
    Him: "He was by himself."

    Have you seen these "gay statues?" Do they ever smile, laugh, or talk? Do they have any friends with whom they cut loose? Do they have sex with anyone? Are they happy being like this? What's your read?
     
  2. RedMage

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    So you made all those assumptions just by how this guy was at this show? You know he may be introverted, just came for the show, etc. There's a plethora of different reasons for why he was quiet and 'statue'-esque. The description of him sounds like how I might be at a big convention by myself except for the smirk, it would be more or less a neutral expression.

    If you talked to him and he was a jerkass I can see how you could have come to your conclusions but you just judged him on his exterior. Quite judgmental of you to do so.
     
  3. Tightrope

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    Oh, lighten up. There are indeed guys who look like this, and then actually are like this IRL as well. Wait until you're a little older and you'll have seen a big cast of characters. I think that there are some guys who have a superiority complex, mostly for their looks and some for their money/smarts, and a lot of people are beneath them, in their mind.

    So, then, let me ask again. Has anyone both known people who present themselves and really ARE like this IRL? (Same questions apply).
     
  4. RedMage

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    Really, you're going to play the seniority card on me? In this day and age you're bound to meet many kinds of people early on in your life. I have met the kind of personality type you're talking about but the point still remains you're stereotyping someone based on their outer appearance and labeling them as a bad person. That in itself is a rude thing to do, plus it just plays into so many stereotypes about quiet and solitary people.
     
  5. Tightrope

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    Please don't continue a volley with me. There are many threads on here about "do you fit the stereotype," and always have been, both for fun and discussion. I wasn't looking for a lesson on political correctness. I was looking for dialogue on the inaccessible types within the gay/bi community.

    Any others?
     
  6. RedMage

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    Yes, for "fun and disscussion" but you're just making a thread more or less about how awful a "gay-statue" is and you just use a general description of "quiet, alone" then add on that they are self-obsessed and think that everyone around them is just a waste of space based on your assumptions. By doing that you're giving people an image to associate with any quiet guy.

    But hey if this what you want to do, why stop you? Have fun propagating a stereotype.
     
  7. Tightrope

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    Again, any others? Perhaps we can discuss levels of snobbishness and aloofness within the GLBT community, and possible reasons therefor.
     
  8. Markio

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    I think I might be a "gay statue." When I'm out in public without a familiar face around me, I tend to remain aloof of the people around me: I walk fast, I move with purpose throughout a store or location, and I am generally slow to open up to people. Then again, I do smile at cashiers and take on a can-do attitude when interacting with people. I would just prefer not to have to interact with people when I'm in the middle of attaining a goal.

    I have friends in my city who, after we've gotten to know each other, thought that I didn't like them because I didn't talk much to them at first, or because I seemed in a hurry whenever we've crossed paths on the street.

    The truth is that I assume others are in a hurry when I see them on the street, and I don't want to use up their time. As for being silent at first, that's because I'm shy. Usually when I start to open up people learn that I like to talk in funny voices and that I'm weird, so I figure it's less awkward for others if I am initially reserved.

    In terms of gay statues who are detached out of conceit for those around them, my suspicion is only aroused when they give me a look of mild distaste while talking animately to only their friends. And I don't mean a stranger from a bar who looks at me this way, but someone in a group of which I am also a member. That smacks strongly of social hierarchical organizing.

    Typically I just assume others are shy or inattentive rather than arrogant.
     
  9. Tightrope

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    Thanks for the input and anecdotal experiences, Markio. I've gotten good at distinguishing shy from aloof and from arrogant. It's sort of a "total" picture thing. As for your specific description, the fact that you smile at cashiers would take you out of this "type." They wouldn't.
     
  10. Jinkies

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    For a sec, I thought you were describing me until I saw "auto convention", a place where you'd probably never catch me dead. In High School, that's pretty much what I was. Although I've never thought the people around me were a waste of space, even when I'm on my computer working on stuff. Their company is great, and whenever they give feedback, it helps.

    Now that I'm just about permanently in Chicago until further notice, I'll probably keep to myself more often and be more careful, considering the high number of potentially scary people. I'm starting to learn on where not to go, already.
     
  11. Tightrope

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    My point is that one can meet really nice people anywhere, and especially if they are regular patrons at a place. If I perceive someone is a creep, I will keep my distance. If someone seems cool, I will either engage them in conversation or will respond if they engage me in conversation. And it doesn't mean I want to have sex with them, either. It just means that they are worthwhile talking to. And I'm not really complaining here. I have been a regular patron at places where all the familiar faces sort of acknowledge each other. There are also one or two regular people who will have nothing to do with anyone and avoid eye contact at all costs, with faces made of stone, hence the use of the term statue.
     
  12. Night

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    I suppose I'd fall into the gay statue label rather neatly, so I'll answer your questions.

    Yes, in fact I have a great sense of humour and love laughing.

    A few, but 'cutting loose' isn't my sort of thing to begin with.

    Rarely.

    I'm very happy like this.

    Of course, my personality is what makes me like this - not a perceived superiority complex or a snobbish trait of mine. I knock mine down to the fact that I just really like being alone and not talking to others. Again, not because I feel like nobody is worth my time or anything (on the contrary, I'm friendly and open) but because I'm just innately uncomfortable talking to or associating with others. Now unlike the man you saw, I wouldn't go to something that would put me around a lot of others for fun because I enjoy living in my own head away from others.

    He could be nothing like me, though - he could be very upset with the way he is, maybe he desperately wants companionship (friends or otherwise) in his life, who knows.
     
  13. ScatteredEarth

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    I honestly think you took him the wrong way.. I don't believe he was trying to 'assault' you or anything, but rather point out that you're making an assumption off of a first glance.. Which really isn't fair because that is indeed stereotyping.

    Ironically this site is for people to get away from the 'stereotypes' that people place on the LGBT community, while there are threads for fun and games as well as discussions, the tone in which you originally posted in could be taken as a 'bash' or a 'rant'.

    I understand your intentions on the thread, but I feel I should point out that rather than getting into that small argument, you could have simply explained your point better.
     
  14. Tightrope

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    You know, we're among friends here. Part of this is generational. And part of this is being older and "water off a duck's back." If you care to go there, there's a section here for the more mature people, and there's a thread called Cliques. In it, behavior patterns in bars are analyzed. In it, the personalities of different bars are analyzed. There are many different types of people in the GLBT community, and I am more attuned to what the G and B folks are doing. There are, as you say, many who clearly cannot be stereotyped or even pegged as G or B at all, but there are some who are. Gays themselves created words like "A-list party circuit" type and "retail queen," but let's not digress. While I think the latter is both derisive and funny, the former is a very real phenomenon of guys who know and frequent each other through an invitation only grapevine at meccas such as Key West, Provincetown, Fire Island, and Palm Springs, to name a few places.

    You did not add to the discussion. I'm a pretty good read. The guy I described was most likely not shy, but more of a "snob," OR he was one heck of a good actor in hiding that his self-esteem might not have been there, and used an air of superiority as eyewash.

    Again, any takes on explaining the attractive, successful and aloof gay loner?
     
  15. AKTodd

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    So let me get this straight...

    You saw some guy at an event and, based on his appearance and demeanor, mainly that he didn't talk to other people there, you and your friend proceeded to jump to a bunch of conclusions about what kind of person he was, including that he looked down on those around him. You then used these conclusions to:

    a) justify not talking to him

    b) justify looking down on him

    You then brought the story here and, when someone objected to your behavior, proceeded to respond by belittling and denigrating them, primarily based on your supposed greater age and supposed superior experience in life. This in defense of behavior that I would usually expect from someone in junior high school. (apologies in advance to all the members here in junior high who don't (and would never) engage in this sort of behavior in the first place)

    And you do this as a member of a forum of people who are often the subjects (or victims) of snap judgments based on their appearance and behavior without any effort to actually get to know them.

    I wonder if "ironygasm' is a word...

    Oh, and just to save some time and address the points you raised with RedMage:

    1. No, I will not 'lighten up' and since we both know you are infinitely impotent to make me do anything, don't bother telling me to do so.

    2. You don't include your age on your profile, but I do. From that you will see that I am well above the age range you imply you belong to and cite as being the age needed to understand where you are coming from. And I still don't see either the humor or validity in your actions, either at the event or here toward another member. Maybe if you wait until you're a little older and have seen more of life you'll understand (oh looky, I can do it too).

    3. You seem to be trying to ignore/dismiss RedMage and presumably anyone else who attempts to object to your characterization and statements. In my experience, that sort of thing is usually a giant neon sign warning that the person in question (that would be you in this case) already knows they are engaging in sketchy behavior without any real justification or supporting points but doesn't want to admit it or admit error. So they descend to the level of simply trying to shut down anyone and everyone who objects or expresses offense or counter-arguments.

    I honestly don't know if that guy at your auto show thought he was better than everyone else there or not. Maybe he did. Maybe he was just shy. Or an introvert. Or someone who loves cars but was also sufficiently fem or 'stereotypical' in his mannerisms and behavior that he was afraid to act in a relaxed manner around all the straight, macho, car lovers that presumably made up the bulk of the audience and was overcompensating trying not to 'out' himself. Maybe any number of other things good or bad.

    But based on what I'm seeing here, I'm inclined to think he might have been better than at least some of the people there. Not that that bar appears to be set very high right now.

    Todd
     
  16. Data

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    Whoa.

    In response, I'll just say that I could be seen as a statue when I'm alone in public. I just go about my business and kinda keep to myself. I look people in the eyes though, and if needed I do talk to them. Just the other day I was in line at USPS and a woman struck up a convo with me about the package I was shipping. So in that regard, people might be put-off at first glance because I just do my thing, but I won't ignore anyone or pretend to be alone. I acknowledge others, smile, and make small talk if the other person is game for it. I'm just pretty shy.

    The specimen you encounteted was interesting indeed, but I don't know that I'd jump to conclusions. I usually DO speculate about people and then poke deeper as I talk to them to see if it's true. It's not ideal, but as a food service employee you do it unconciously. It's not good.

    So, have I seen statues in public, oblivious to the world? Yup, sure have. Am I a statue? From certain perspectives, yup I guess I am. :grin:
     
  17. Steve712

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    I probably come across as being aloof to most people. The reason isn't that I hate the world; it's just that I have a lot to read and think about, and my books and thoughts tend to be a lot more interesting than small talk about the weather. *shrugs*
     
  18. Hrantou

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    Sounds to me like you saw him, and without saying anything to him or doing anything beyond looking at him, you assumed things about him. Now you came here looking for our opinions to cement the fact that this man is who you THOUGHT he was.

    Here's a tip when you meet new people, or in your case, just look at them: Not everyone is what they seem.
     
  19. Tightrope

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    We gave him a nickname. Adults give nicknames in workplaces, social circles, and other circumstances. I had a nickname at a job after college. It was given to me by another department who didn't even know me. It wasn't flattering, but it was funny. This one was not even sexually or physically derisive: "Coffee alone." My friend and I didn't justify either a) or b). We didn't talk to him because there was no opportunity to do so, such as eye contact, a smile, an apology for sitting in a car too long, a comment about a car's ridiculous sticker price, nor was it important to do so. We didn't really look down on him, because we didn't know him. He didn't seem that pleasant, though.

    This is playing out much like the thread where you have to give everyone a chance in dating, even if they're not your type; thereby, it's dovetailing into political correctness. When I started college, I was a naive 18 year old, and thought everyone was wonderful. After going through college and being in a downtown job for 2 years, making me 24, I realized that people aren't always wonderful and that one needs to ration their time. In college, there are people who were unquestionably a-holes, and it could be determined by watching them for 5 minutes in a class break-out session, and in the world of work, 2 minutes in a conference room could tell you whether someone would throw their own mother under a bus. There's this wonderful thing called physiognomy, and I'm sure I don't need to tell you what it means. For those who don't know, it means what your outside appearance, primarily your face, conveys about what you may be like. I can say I've used this tool effectively. It's been about 90/10, in terms of success, meaning I was right 90% of the time and wrong 10% of the time. In this guy's case, his physiognomy was negative. Oftentimes, I use this rule of thumb: "Would I ask this person for directions, and could I expect a polite response?" When we ask for directions in a strange place, that's how we pick our subjects, if you will, as to who we will ask for directions when "multiple choice" is possible. Tonight, I was in a large restaurant and it was full. I looked around and I could just tell who I would and would not want to talk to, and it had nothing to do with their gender, race, age, socioeconomic status, or anything like that. It had to do with what sort of personal vibe they conveyed.

    What do they say about interviews? The employer has made up their mind about someone within 5 minutes, and oftentimes between the time they've walked through the conference room door and made themselves comfortable, or uncomfortable, at the conference room table, despite being capable to do the job. This is about basic human nature, through listening to one's gut and instincts, and not about what's right or wrong in terms of etiquette or social protocols.

    My question here was to see if people have met guys who kept up an icy facade 24/7/365 and what made them tick, or if there are any stories they wish to share. With so many people bringing personal situations and experiences here, I don't understand why this thread hasn't brought forth the anecdotes and has centered on hurt feelings. Instead, it sounds like people have taken it personally.

    What I objected to was being sort of chided, in an accusatory manner, for processing something the way I processed it. I was expecting more of "Ok, that's the way you read him, but do you think (insert situation) could have also been going on with him," instead of taking an indignant stance with me.
     
    #19 Tightrope, Sep 6, 2013
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2013
  20. BlueEyedPride

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    Do you even know for sure that he's gay? Did he say so himself? And even if he is, why would him being gay have anything to do with the fact that he is introverted? :bang:
     
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