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The first time I speak...need help and advice

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Ortz24, Dec 13, 2017.

  1. Ortz24

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    Hey everyone! This is my first time EVER doing this and I feel so lost. I'm so tired of holding this in and I've never shared this with anyone....please be patient with me :frowning2:

    I'm currently 24 (female) and have felt confused for such a long time. Growing up, I was always bullied because I looked different. In my life I've made two friends that have made me question every day in my life, am I gay? Growing up, I never had close friends or hanged out with anyone because I had a fear that everyone was out to get me (I got text books and milk thrown at in elementary and made fun of because of my teeth in middle school). When I arrived into 8th grade. I made a friend who is 4 years older than me that currently lives in California. This person isn't only a friend, I would call her more like a step cousin. When I first met her, i was so intrigued by her beautiful blonde hair and her gorgeous blue eyes that I instantly wanted to become her friend. When we exchanged phone numbers, all we did was talk on the phone and through text. Mainly until 5 am. One day, I told her that I would fly up there (California) for two weeks and I spent that time only with her... This feeling I had with her made me feel so comfortable, and so different. Something I've never thought about with boys. We slept in the same bed because we had to share together when we slept. I loved the night time because I felt like I had an excuse to lay closer to her. She would fall asleep while I would run my fingers through her hair and she'd hug me in a way that felt so intimate to me.... I didn't want to go to sleep. All I wanted to do was watch her sleep and share the same warmth (I hope this doesn't sound creepy). I never thought about having sex with her, but I did imagine doing intimate things with her. It was a feeling that kept me warm and in love with those tiny moments we could share.....After I came back from my visit, she started going out with guys and she would tell me about all the douchebags she would date.... I slowly started to fade away from her. I gave her the excuse that I was busy.... But in reality I felt heart broken. To this day I still remember those feelings. I still keep in contact with her because she thinks of me as her sister. She always tells me that she has never made a friend like myself.

    The next friend I made was after I graduated High school. I was in college and shared the same class with her. The second I saw her I would purposely sit closer and closer to her. Until I finally got the chance to talk to her. Again.... Blonde beautiful hair and gorgeous blue eye. (I feet like this is a trend in my taste). I told her during class that I didn't know the material (which i did) and needed a study partner. At the time she was in a fight with her boyfriend so she spent lots of time with me. She would come to my house to "study"... the studying would only last 5 min lol. From there we would just start talking and have glasses of wine. We became such good friends that she sometimes stayed over my house. That night, she drank a couple of glasses and fell asleep on my shoulder. I kid you not, my heart was literally going to come out of my chest. I slept on the floor so she would'nt feel strange and the next morning she told me I should've slept next to her -_- "FUDGE". I feel like I fell for her because she reminded me so much of the first girl I was so close to (the one mentioned above). She would love that I would run my fingers through her hair and spent so much time with me that it practically felt like we were dating.... AGAIN I wanted to do so many intimate things with her but I knew she was definitely straight BECAUSE.... she got back with her BF....and after that, I started to back away :frowning2:

    fast forwarding to this current day.... I'm 24 and have a boyfriend. When I was in high school I had a crush on him and we found each other again when I was 21. We've been together for 4 years now and it's great, we never get into fights and we do love each other.....But at times, I start to think about my past feelings for those two girls and crushes that I've had on other girls that I feel differently about how I feel with him. He is my first BF, my first everything.

    This is the first time in my life that I write about something I've kept dead inside me for years and year AND YEARS! I've never had anyone to talk to about this sort of thing with.... If anyone is out there reading, please know that I feel so lost at time that I wonder if I'm truly happy....
     
  2. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC. Take a deep breath you will definitely find people here that understand how you feel. Your story is not altogether that dissimilar to mine and as I'm sure you will see if you read around here on EC although you probably feel like the only person in the world going through this you are definitely not.

    I think the first thing you need to look at and think about it how you feel about your boyfriend, are you attracted to him? Do you want to continue dating him.

    Then there are you feelings for girls. Nobody can tell you whether you are gay or straight or bi or whatever but to me it definitely sounds like you had attraction to these girls and that's certainly something worth looking at in more details.

    Sometimes the simplest questions bring the most answers. What would you like to do/happen next?
     
  3. Ortz24

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    I'm not quite sure what I would like to do next. At times I feel attracted to him, but others I want to have other experiences with women. I feel like I need to have this in order to make a final decision.... I just don't want to hurt anybody, or him.
     
  4. Ortz24

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    I'm not quite sure what I would like to do next. At times I feel attracted to him, but others I want to have other experiences with women. I feel like I need to have this in order to make a final decision.... I just don't want to hurt anybody, or him.
     
  5. silverhalo

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    Have you talked to him about how you are feeling?
     
  6. Ortz24

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    I'm too scared to... I don't want him to feel angry or upset.... or even disappointed with me. He's an amazing person (that isn't the issue). It's just all of these feelings I have bundled up inside that I feel like i'll burst at any point.....

    I was actually thinking about talking to the first girl I feel like I fell for (the step cousin=not blood related lol). I wanted to take a flight to california to tell her in person. We still remain really close. More like sisters. But, I don't want to ruin that friendship.... What should I do.... I know this was a big step just putting it online for me... But I feel like I have to tell someone..... what should I do :frowning2:
     
  7. silverhalo

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    Well I can't make the decision for you but I think telling someone would be a good idea.
    I know you don't want to hurt the guy you are dating but sometimes whilst still being difficult honesty is best. I'm not saying it has to be immediately but when you can manage it.
    When do you think you would go to talk to her?
     
  8. Ortz24

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    So I actually have a booked flight for January... it's just a weekend thing... She evenly openly joked that we will have a romantic date just us two to talk... We are a month away and I feel so nervous about this. She has no idea what I'm about to tell her and i'm so frightened....
     
  9. silverhalo

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    Oh that's really cool that you don't have to wait too long. It's only natural to be nervous but I'm sure it won't be as bad as you think.
     
  10. Ortz24

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    I don't think so either... I'm so glad I've been able to talk to someone about this... I really hope I get a supportive response from all of this. I guess I will finally decide after I talk to her and see how I feel. I would love to keep you on the loop if that's ok?
     
  11. Ortz24

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    I don't think so either... I'm so glad I've been able to talk to someone about this... I really hope I get a supportive response from all of this. I guess I will finally decide after I talk to her and see how I feel. I would love to keep you on the loop if that's ok?
     
  12. silverhalo

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    Oh absolutely, you can talk to me anytime :slight_smile:. Talking to people can really help.
     
  13. beenthrdonetht

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    When people say things like that, they might be hinting. That was an opening in the conversation that you could have taken further. Obviously you weren't ready to jump that far. But think of what you might say next time. ("Oh you're giving me goosebumps!") Or turn the tables and say yourself that you two will have a date.

    OK, now rereading this it looks like I'm just giving flirting advice. The bigger picture is you have a bf and (eventually) he has to know. Sorry for your confusion but you are at least being honest about it to yourself. Lots of people don't make it that far, and boy do they get tangled up. Also, just writing (typing) it out is therapeutic. So keep doing that!