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The Final Fade of a Fugacious Fellow

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by FugaciousFellow, Jun 19, 2017.

  1. FugaciousFellow

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    I've been contemplating this decision and its consequences for the past few months now. Some posts I've seen on this topic exhibited clear signs of being influenced by the emotional states of those writing it, but I assure you that is not the case for me. Throughout the time I've been considering this choice, I've worked towards filtering out the variables borne from external factors and transient sentiments to determine the right course of action based solely on myself and my own thoughts. While it is always important to consider the effect something might have on those around you, this decision for me also entails choosing myself over others, perhaps for the first time that I can recall. The inherent and evolutionary advantageous tendency towards selfishness is one I've been suppressing my entire life, though not so much as to give the illusion of altruism. I am not particularly charitable nor have I dedicated significant time towards ameliorating the lives of others; rather, my suppression of selfishness takes its form in my meek demeanor and generally submissive persona.

    In effect, I do not assert myself in any way, regardless of the situation, and have adapted to being instinctually obsequious. This trait manifests in the perception of myself by others as ostensibly kind-hearted and gracious—no doubt such terms will be used to describe me at the funeral I will have explicitly asked not to be performed—but rather it is more representative of an inability to express myself at the expense of others no matter how necessary the occasion or accepting the audience. I would like to say that I’ve become a creature of thought above all else, expunging any misplaced attachment to physical phenomena or emotional experiences. However, despite the fact that the majority of my existence has been confined to the boundaries of my own mind, I find myself governed by the whims of time and society.

    This may very well be the only thing I truly do for myself and myself alone, in all my seventeen years—it may be selfish, callous, and craven to consider, but the process has been thorough, the options calculated, and the analysis sensible. Nonetheless, I am welcome to discourse of any kind at the present time. I have matters to yet consider concerning the methods and date of this endeavor, so there is certainly no urgency to this post or any subsequent ones that I make. I doubt a stranger on the internet will have a compelling enough argument to convince me otherwise, but as any person who hopes to call himself reasonable, I am willing to consider the perspectives others bring to my decision. Clarifying questions are always encouraged as I myself am still finalizing the messages I would like to leave to those I know in person, and this is but an abridged synopsis of my reasons and motivations.

    May you find your own fulfillment, dear reader, wherever it may be. I thank you for taking the time to read this post. ( :
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Given your asking for other perspectives, in order to provide some perspective, would you be able to shed some light on the circumstances behind the conclusions you have derived? It's hard to formulate perspective without sufficient background.
     
  3. FluffyLightFox

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    I'd like to raise a bothering concern of mine regarding your motivations to both commit suicide (since that's clearly what we're talking about here) and post this thread, or rather, the invitation to state our own perspective on the matter. You add in your post that no random person on the internet could have sufficiently strong arguments to deter you from fulfilling your plan; then why would you want to hear other perspectives from us? Solely announcing your disappearance would be enough, according to your reasoning.
    I'll not try and convince you not to do it, not bluntly. You're too smart for me to really impact you that way, and I do not mean that as a form of flattery. Perhaps you have spent a significant part of your life stuck in your thoughts (oddly enough, like I have), but a good exercise in experiencing real and genuine emotions that aren't motivated by hidden, manipulative desires would be to acknowledge and take in account that, perhaps, people can genuinely care about you. Even if they don't know what you've been through, what you look like, what your voice sounds like. Even if they only know you from the internet. Some people would be devastated by your death, at least, I think I would, and, probably, your family as well. Can you acknowledge that? Furthermore, you discussed the selfish nature of your act and the impression that despite your lack (or suppression) of selfishness you have not helped people in general. Is that true? Wouldn't you agree that keeping on living and working on changing things (perhaps with professional help) for the better would be selfish as well, perhaps even more than taking your own life? Would it have a better outcome if you went through the process of improving your life and the way you relate to your thoughts and the rest of the world?
    Generally, what are the motives that drive you towards taking your own life? It'd be interesting, in the prospect of pondering over your project and providing you with personal perspectives (purposeful alliteration) that we know those details.
    I hope you keep us informed.
    (PS: your writing improved since last time, it seems. It's even more satisfying to read)
     
  4. Myclosetisfull

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    I actually think, if nothing else, you should write a novel about why you are ending your life. At least then you can prevent it from happening to others. I'm sure the thought has probably occurred to you and you feel past that, but maybe not... And I would certainly read it.
     
  5. FugaciousFellow

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    I thank you both for taking the time to respond, and hope this will serve to clarify some points.

    To address the point raised about hearing others perspectives, I still have my reservations that something as complex and nuanced as an entire life and its preservation could ever be determined or sufficiently understood by someone whose sole exposure to that source is limited to sparse posts online. Nevertheless, that does not mean I am unwilling to hear what others might have to say. This is also a medium through which I hope to refine some points for myself and start to prepare some form of farewell. Along this vein, I would not have been able to justify this thread if it were solely to announce my disappearance. Of course, this is a public thread, and my only means of having a conversation of any kind about this that would not impede my plans, so I have tried to make this more accessible to discourse. Rest assured, I will still need to find within myself something meaningful enough for which to continue living.

    I can accept and acknowledge that people think they genuinely care about me, and I certainly agree that some of them would have rather intense emotional reactions to discovered that I have died. I have considered every person who might attend the funeral I would not want to occur but which will undoubtedly take place. For a time I had convinced myself that the disruption to their lives and trajectories that my death would cause should be incentive enough for me to continue living. I do not want to cause any of that, especially not to my sister, but that is the same self-diminishing mindset for which I can no longer abide. I am in the process of determining the date that would minimize the effect this will have on others as much as possible while maximizing my potential for success.

    “Wouldn't you agree that keeping on living and working on changing things (perhaps with professional help) for the better would be selfish as well, perhaps even more than taking your own life?

    Certainly, the way you have framed that proposition, it seems as though living and bettering myself (whatever that would entail) is a selfish choice. It should be noted however, that there is no guarantee that anything will come from “working on changing things” even if professional help (which I have already explored) were to be employed. I also do not see any viable reason why I would elect to pursue such an option at the financial expense of my mother, especially as she is already ill-prepared vocationally and emotionally to put both her children through college. I do not think it matters which is the more selfish of the two possibilities for this is not a decision borne of some need to be selfish; rather, it is an understanding that I experience every night as I wait to fall asleep and realize that I could have died the day/week/month before and it would have made no difference. My head has already grazed the low ceiling of my actual possibilities; and I have exhausted this mind of its potential. Every thought I have is one I have had countless times before, even the thought that I have already had a certain thought before. I am always acutely aware of everything in my vicinity yet I am no more able to convey that perception than I was years ago or ever will be. My own vocabulary is deteriorating to the point where there are scores of words I once knew, and still remember, but can neither use nor define.

    “Would it have a better outcome if you went through the process of improving your life and the way you relate to your thoughts and the rest of the world?”

    Perhaps. I do intend to relate my thoughts, even if I go through with this decision, in the form of a book of sorts that I will leave to a certain friend to do with what he will.

    That is all I can say at the moment. I will be able to further expound on the context and other mundane aspects of this situation at a later time. If you have read this far, I appreciate the effort you have invested and hope it is not entirely misplaced.

    EDIT: I had not seen the third reply until posting this but it seems I have already make known my intention to write a book. How very fortuitous. I do not expect it to be directly concerning my own life (not autobiographical) but it will of course be influenced by and reflect some of that.

    ( :
     
    #5 FugaciousFellow, Jun 19, 2017
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2017
  6. FluffyLightFox

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    I carefully read your reply, and... I don't know what to say. I don't know what we can say to deter you. You can't just kill yourself like that? You know we can't let you do that? Your life doesn't end right now, you still have more time to live and many more things to experience that your mind cannot even conceptualize. And about your mind.. I remember a time when I was aware of everything too, when my mind was a machine of wonders and the feeling every day that it is no longer as effective as it used to be. But it is twisted, it's bugged. You are not thinking correctly (I see some symptoms of depression amongst what you described but I am not a professional). You're talking about your own death like you're planning a wedding to the minute. You are talking about your existence like a quantifiable burden on the shoulder of other people. You are not the money paid by your mother to put through college, or the mental strain you believe your living puts on her mind. You are not your intellectual potential. You are a human, granted with a life like every one of us, capable of emotions; yours are just being influenced negatively. What if you had more self worth? What if you valued yourself as just more than what you can do for others or how your life affects others negatively? That is a part of bettering your life. It seems the psychologists you've seen did not help. Why so? Did you ask to see another professional?
     
  7. Totesgaybrah

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    Wow, as someone who once considered suicide for over 10 years this was an interesting read. I wont even try to persuade you in any way since you have obviously put a great amount of thought into this and are clearly intelligent.

    However I do hope you will change your mind eventually. There is quite a bit of life worth living past the age of 17. You could offer the world great things.
     
  8. FugaciousFellow

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    You are completely right to say that I have more time to live and many more things to experience, FluffyLightFox. In my efforts to understand better the value of my existence, I even went so far as to list all the things I’m looking forward to doing, and perhaps never will. It was not very remarkable or robust, but it was significant. There are myriad books I have not read, experiences I’ve never had, and places I’ve never been to. My justification for living on to do all of that cannot simply be for the sake of my own gratification, or even to eventually help others in some way. What I want has never truly been a factor in this equation; in that, at least, my death will be no different from my life. If ever there is a decision between two options that is entirely dependent on some preference of mine, I either abstain from making the decision, or employ impartiality through a random process; I am even using the same technique to discern the optimal time for my death, once I have narrowed down a time frame that is both feasible and accommodating of changes in the lives of those around me. If may seem as though I am being gratuitously involved in planning the minutiae of my demise, but there will not be a second chance so I intend to prepare for everything beforehand. Even in death, I have obligations to fulfill, and I will do so as diligently as I’ve ever done. I do not think the infinite complexities of human existence can ever be completely quantified, but in my case, there are elements which reflect a correlation that cannot be ignored. “What if you had more self worth?” I prefer not to engage in hypothetical questions like these. My circumstances are what they are and have made me who I am; I am no more able to say what might have been than you are. As for the psychologists I’ve worked with, none was capable of truly understanding. My mother might be in the process of finding me another one, but it is of no concern to me. “You could offer the world great things.” Doubtful. There is no facet of my being that would be of consequential use to anyone, yet alone the entire world.
     
  9. Myclosetisfull

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    I have one simple comment. Albert Einstein, though I have no idea how his intellect truly compares to yours, was considered a failure for most of his life. He expected never to get more than his job as a patent clerk. Now he is among the most famous people in history.
     
  10. Foxfeather

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    But-but-but women! How does anyone die in a world with such beautiful, beautiful, single women?

    Dude, why are you even suicidal! There's a whole world of LGBT folks out there. If it's cos you're LGBT, that isn't it. If it's cos you're depressed about something else, then let's talk about it.

    For me, being trans in one of the biggest reasons why I sometimes experience suicidal thoughts. Yes, I do. I know I try to be happy all the time on the forums if you know me by now, but the truth is, it sometimes gets to be too much and gets to me...

    ...up to the point where I had friends and family worried SICK over me. And I realized that depression, for me, isn't circumstantial. It's something that I've known I've had since I was very very young and had no word to describe it. But I could choose to either live with it or die from it, and I really want to see me get that happy ending (and the girl). So I have no guarantees for where I'll be in 20 years, but I can promise you that tomorrow I will be here. And the day after. And the day after. And I just gotta keep doing that, one day at a time, and I'll have won.

    That's all it takes. One more day of fighting until you eventually win.

    The very same thing that contributes to my depression, being trans, is the very same thing that fuels my desire to live. I wanna be a husband. I wanna be someone's special someone. And it's gonna happen. I just need more time.
     
  11. FugaciousFellow

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    I would first like to extend my sincerest gratitude to all of the well-intentioned people who took the time to read through and respond to these posts. It has been interesting to behold the different approaches others have brought to what had primarily been an internal conversation in my mind.

    I understand where you are coming from, of course, but this statement does not apply for me, and not just because I'm gay. Even if one were to replace the word "women" with "men" such that it is not as reminiscent of the objectifying and shallow rhetoric my father spews unfailingly every time I see him, I would still find the sentiment lacking. Long before I'd ever considered suicide, I had already concluded that I would never have children or be in a romantic relationship of any kind.

    Moving past what I will construe solely as incredulity for the sake of continuing to have remotely constructive discourse, I do not presume to expect others to understand completely the complex calculations on which my life is ensconced. For all my attempts at elucidating the enigmas of my existence, there is much that can never truly be conveyed, at least not with my current grasp of the English language.

    Perhaps that is how others reconcile with their own realities, but I cannot be sustained on mere mantras or a daily dose of delusions. There is no shore on the horizon, nor any finish lines waiting to be crossed—just the perpetual plateau of percolated perceptions and misaligned memories. There is no possible future for me in which I would want to participate; neither materialist fancies nor farfetched philanthropist missions are enticement enough to persuade me. Each day exudes futility, every moment a monument of monotony.

    As always, dear readers, I hope you find that my responses fail to reflect your own circumstances. If I am alone in this experience, I would be content. ( :