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The end of my divorce and my feelings.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Kmermaid00, Jun 10, 2019.

  1. Kmermaid00

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    I am going through so many feelings right now. In order I am feeling sad, lonely, and angry. I am sad because I miss my ex-girlfriend. Our relationship lasted a few months and ended badly. That was 6 years ago. She was my first and only. I miss her everyday and I still love her. I recently got back on Facebook just so I could have a chance at communicating with her that I am sad with the way things ended. Just to make this make sense I am married to a man. We have been together 14 years and married 13. In 2013 I became mentally ill resulting in psychosis and many hospitalizations for several months. In that time I met a girl who I totally connected with. We kissed. I ended up leaving my husband for her. If I had never gotten sick I would have stayed in the marriage and suffered. I would have just pushed through staying with him for the rest of my life if I had better judgement at the time. So anyhow I left him for her and didn't have contact with my kids or him for a time. I was still hallucinating. It was scary. The day I left her I just walked away and didn't say anything to her about breaking up. It was so heartbreaking that I nearly walked into traffic that day. After that she tried contacting me twice and I was rude to her. I answered the phone both times but I wished I would have responded better. I wanted to get back with my husband so desperately to try to be normal again. I was slowly getting better mentally with medications. My husband and I did end up back together later that year. He told me he didn't love me and that me getting sick and leaving him "broke him." He said he would try to stay with me and we ended up in couples therapy about two years ago. He constantly told me he didn't love me for about the past two years. Then about that time is when he admitted he hasn't loved me for the whole 6 years and he was only staying with me for the kids. During that time we were broken up is when everyone found out I am LGBT. I don't have any labels I'm comfortable with. I'm sad we are going through this and angry too. He has walked out on me so many times. He didnt even come to the hospital when I had my stroke at 31 years old. I wished I would have seen the signs sooner that he is emotionally and financially abusive. Controlling. I'm sad that had I noticed this sooner I could have possibly been with someone else who could love me through all the illnesses and emergency surgeries. We have been going through the divorce almost a year now. I'm hoping that legally we are at the end of it. I'm lonely. I miss my ex-gf. I miss having a partner. I miss having sex with her. I haven't had sex in about 4 years.i haven't had good sex in 6 years and that was with her. I miss her. I have never been treated as well as she did from anyone else. In fact I feel like I loved her more than I love my husband. I still love her. I know realistically I'll never be with her. I also believe I may never find someone like her. They'll never be her. Having lost two major people in my life I never want a long term relationship again. Nothing serious. Right now I just want safe sex. It's hard to find in my small City. When my husband and I got back together I had sex with him just to make him happy. I didn't want to do it but I did because in my mind that was the only way to keep him around. I also have PTSD so looking back it was such an unhealthy choice for me to push through it even when I didn't want to. It was physically painful due to scar tissue which led to my emergency surgery with two blood transfusions. He video chatted me seconds before they whisked me away for the emergency surgery and all he said was you will be ok, you always are. I am angry at how I've been treated through out the whole marriage. He left me alone so many times. He really just walked out on me over and over again. Still I wished I had saw the signs sooner than I did. I am angry with him. I am scared to be alone. I haven't worked in 11 years and I have depended on him in so many ways that it's scary to face independence. Luckily with suggestions from my counselor I have started using the para-transit to be more independent. I went through a vocational rehab program for 10 weeks. I am confident enough that I applied for college and interviewed today to get into a program. I'm still mad though that he has left me hanging. He gets the house and I seriously have nowhere to go. We are joint conservators but they will live with me but it's likely I'll be homeless and he will use that against me. He's still controlling and won't let me move out of town to my hometown even though legally I can. I find myself being angry most the time. I miss her everyday and I think of her every night before I go to sleep.
     
  2. Nic2552

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    Have you tried reaching out to her and apologizing ?
     
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  3. SevnButton

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    Hi @Kmermaid00 -
    I'm sorry you're facing so many challenges. It's not easy. Having just a few things at a time to face is enough for anyone.

    Your feelings for your former gf remind me so much of the feelings I had for a woman years ago. We lived far apart, in different cities, but we'd get together occasionally. I really wanted our friendship to develop into something more, but she met someone else and married him. For years, I thought about her, longed to be with her, and even dreamed about her. It never happened. But at some point I realized she wasn't the perfect person I imagined her to be.

    Mostly for you, I hope for well-being, and that someone will enter your life, and you'll find happiness with that person.
     
  4. silverhalo

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    Hey I am sorry you are going through so much hurt and heartbreak. You say you joined Facebook, are you friends with her?
    Im a strong believer that if it's meant to be it will be, so if she truely is the one for you, you will find each other again.
     
  5. Kmermaid00

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    I am not friends with her on Facebook. Most people did not know about us and I am not fully out. If I friend her I am afraid she would write something on my facebook that's inappropriate. She does have her own problems. Her last post was December 2018. I sent her a message just hoping she would see it. All I sent was I am not happy with the way things ended and I want to know if you would like to talk about it? I do want to apologize. I don't think she's the one for me I just can't let go of those memories and the comfort she brought to me. Thank you all for listening to me.
     
  6. Kmermaid00

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    I sent her that one message and hopefully she will see it so I can apologize.
     
  7. silverhalo

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    When did you send the message?
     
  8. Kmermaid00

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    I sent it about a week ago.
     
  9. silverhalo

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    Well I would proabably give it a bit longer before contemplating anything else. The only thing I'd say with Facebook messages when you aren't friends is that sometimes they go into a strange subfolder and are harder to see.
     
  10. Kmermaid00

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    I wrote her again and she replied. I apologized to her and she did too. I didn't think she had anything to apologize for. I was married at the time but I made a choice to be with her. She said she is 9 months sober which I am happy to hear. She said she wants to be friends. I do too. There was so much more I wanted to tell her but I had to keep it to myself. I do not think its appropriate for me to tell her how much I miss her and that I still love her. Although I wanted too. I did not tell her anything about the divorce from my husband either. I do have good news though. I am in my own apartment and my divorce is almost final. I am finally coming out of an abusive relationship and it feels good to know I will have freedom.
     
  11. silverhalo

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    Hey congratulations that sounds like a really positive update in so many ways.
     
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