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The drive to act

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LostInDaydreams, Mar 19, 2018.

  1. LostInDaydreams

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    At the beginning of this year I was really feeling the drive to act, which is why I sought out a therapist. I suppose I was thinking that this was going to be the year that I finally left my partner, etc. But things went downhill at work and I completely lost the drive to act. It disappeared. My therapist was pushing me towards leaving, but I no longer saw it as an option, so I ended therapy. It seemed frightening and overwhelming.

    Nothing has changed workwise in the last week or so, but suddenly the drive to act has come back and I can't do anything about it! I suppose I will have to direct my energy into job hunting. On the one hand, I wish I could leave now, but on the other hand, when I really think about it the reality of leaving does still frighten me. Perhaps the drive to act has only come back because leaving isn't a realistic option at the moment, so I'm not feeling the fear.

    Looking back, perhaps I should have started making moves to leave my partner back in the autumn, when work was going OK. Time seems to go so quickly. As things stand, I think that my partner and I will still be together this autumn and that will be another whole year gone.

    Somebody at work suggested that I should take some time out to sort my personal life and then come back to my career when my head is in a better place. How is that possible though? I can't leave without an income. It feels like a horrible circle.
     
  2. Caraldo

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    Do you have any family you can rely on? Is your job situation salvageable? If it is, maybe leaving will help you refocus? In my situation, 10 years ago my struggle with feeling trapped helped me to lose my job. If I had been able to quit the lie, maybe it would be different. You owe it not only to yourself, but to your partner to get yourself moving on. Regardless of your sexuality issues, if you are never going to be committed to the relationship in the manner expected, it is unfair for everyone involved to stay.
     
  3. LostInDaydreams

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    Thanks @Caraldo :slight_smile: I'm sorry to hear that you've been in a similar position.

    The family option is something that my therapist suggested. It wouldn't be an easy option, but could be a last resort option. I just rejected the idea, but unless I ask then I guess I won't know for certain.

    It's potentially salvageable. Not with my current employer, but I could possibly continue my career with somebody else if I could find somebody willing to give me a chance. I feel like I missed the best time to make the jump and now it's all fallen apart.
     
    #3 LostInDaydreams, Mar 19, 2018
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2018
  4. Caraldo

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    @LostInDaydreams , a few more bits for thought. First off I have to say that EC is amazing. A lifetime of loneliness, and in the short time I have been here I find so much of myself in other people here. You are a young woman in the UK, I am a man well into middle age from the USA, and I find a kinship based on you being in a similar situation I found myself in. Now, there's a sticking point, because I have a snapshot of your situation, but have intimate knowledge obviously of mine, plus I have the benefit of hindsight.

    I married a woman believing myself bisexual. She was the driver in our relationship, but I loved her and believed that we were meant to be. She also during our courtship engaged didn't mind my enjoyment of gay porn and seemed to enjoy doing role reversal etc., I thought I found the perfect situation . We had 3 kids in 5 years, shortly after marriage she decided sex should be missionary, no gay stuff whatsoever. We ended up in counseling, where she said if I had any interest in men, she couldn't stay. Eventually I say I like men, she says okay, as long as I don't cheat. I find out she has severe bipolar disorder, and she develops a drug addiction. She goes through cyclesof recovery and relapse. I feel like I need to take the kids and go to my parents house, but my fear of being outed stops me. At age 31, I realize I am gay, not interested in women in that way, tell her so and make plans to come out, and focus on raising my children, with help from my family. When trying to figure this all out, I get an astounding job offer that changes my personal financial standing. The major issue though, is I am pushed back into the closet. We end up buying a home. A couple more years and I really hit a rut. I developed feelings for a coworker, fear of exposing myself, or her exposing me. My work suffers, and I lose my job. Now, this is 2009, the economy in the US is terrible. No jobs of value are to be found. I had another opening, we were going to lose everything. We could split up, move in with our families, and still raise our children. Nope. I go to work in a new career driving a truck. I save the house, but I am gone all the time. Meanwhile she cycles between recovery relapse several times. The kids, with the blessing of the child welfare officials and myself, petition to move out of our home to my parent's house . Now, after being a coward all these years, everything I worked so hard to save gone, I finally decide I need to go. I tell her its over. She goes to rehab, gets serious about dealing with her mental illness, and starts a plan to build a future. It will be sometime before we officially divorce. I live in the house, in another bedroom. There is still a lot of pain to be dealt with. If 15 years ago, I had just done what I needed to do, her, I , and the kids would have been far better off.

    I understand its hard, and the whole job situation is important, but is it fair either you or him, to continue to live a phony life. My wife and I, still married by law, and living together, are both starting to breath without the weight of living a lie. Just something to think about.
     
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  5. LostInDaydreams

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    Thank you for sharing your story @Caraldo. It sounds like you and your family have been through a lot of difficulty, but it sound like you are all making steps in the right direction now. I hope things improve for you all.

    I can appreciate what you are saying about the weight. It is exhausting and I think there would be a feeling of relief if I were to tell my partner, regardless of practicalities. However, the practical things do concern me and for the moment I want to sort work out.
     
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  6. Caraldo

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    @LostInDaydreams good luck. It isn't easy no matter what decision you make . I feel for you.
     
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  7. justaguyinsf

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    I'm a big believer in acting based on reason and with a plan of action that makes sense and not just based on feelings, which as you note come and go. Perhaps if you identified what might possibly happen, figured out how you would respond, and weighed your various options, including staying, you would have greater clarity.
     
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  8. Rana

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    It's normal to fear such a big change. At the same time, there's something in you that feels you must leave and be your authentic self...this is why the urge to leave comes back...it might come and go, but I think you know what you'd like to do, it's just seems like you're trying to figure out the practical aspects of how to do it.

    Would you have the benefit of spousal support and/or child support after separating? I know that's the situation in American family law, but I'm not familiar with the same in the UK. I imagine there's some similarity there. Would that be an option to temporarily help with the practical aspects so that you can leave? Also, if there's any way family can help, I certainly would want that option if it would mean leaving so you don't feel that you're stuck. It sounds like you feel like you're stuck and not happy about having to stick it out for another year (am I right?). I know it's hard to go back to work and have job stability which is needed to provide for your family...but the father of your children should help with that too...it's not all on you is it?
     
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  9. DCSC

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    If the drive has/does come back, capture that feeling and go for it!

    Before the new year I (maybe lesbian, possibly bi) had been in a relationship with a straight man for over 6 years, and although he means a lot to me I have come to realise that I do not love him. 3 weeks ago that same drive you talk about took over and I couldn't take it any longer. I ended the relationship and I have applied for a job 200 miles away. It scared me SO MUCH, the thought of such a massive shift in my life and the fallout that potentially came with it. But the moment I did it there was a huge sense of relief. Although I know there is a chance I may not get the job, I'm so glad I tried. At least I won't be forever questioning and asking myself "what if".

    The way I see it, there's never really a "good" time to make these life changing decisions. I really do hope you find the strength to take action, however I know from experience it is so much easier said than done .
     
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  10. signmypapyrus

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    This sounds like an incredibly tough situation that is really testing you. You mentioned maybe another career? Is that a viable option?