1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

The boy I loved has come back to me

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by quebec, Apr 22, 2020.

  1. quebec

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2014
    Messages:
    1,745
    Likes Received:
    932
    Location:
    Idaho
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Those of you who may have read my posts know about Tim. A quick review: When I started college I met a boy named Tim. We were pretty much inseparable for about two years. Had it been today I really think we would have married. He became ill and when his parents found out about us they refused to let me see him again. That last time I came to see him they met me at the door and told me to get to "Get my faggot ass off their property". Shortly after that he passed away. I never saw him again and I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral...I don't know where he was buried. OK...that was the short version of a time in my life that totally devastated me. I went into a deep depression. In order to survive I did my best to forget those two years. I succeed all too well and did actually bury those memories...completely. In 2014, after decades of deepening depression and self-hate, I finally accepted that I was and always had been gay. In 2017 I started having very strange, erotic dreams that seemed very real. After a month of this I came to understand that they weren't dreams, they were memories. At the time I thought that I had never been with another guy in any way. The memories said otherwise...and I started to remember Tim. It was actually kind of exciting as I remembered being myself, being completely out and being with a boy that I truly did love! Then one night I remembered what happened to Tim and what his parents said and did. For the second time I was devastated. But this time I had all of YOU here on Empty Closets and I had an incredible therapist. This time I made it through the bad time and now I look back at the time that I had with Tim as a happy time that I'm glad I had. Last week a friend of mine asked me about some photos of when I was younger. I scanned and sent him a few. Then last night I thought about my freshman year of college and some good pics of me in the college yearbook. I didn't have a copy but wondered if the college had put their yearbooks on line. I checked and they had. I found the two pics of me and copied them and then I suddenly thought that just maybe there was also a photo of Tim in the yearbook. THERE WAS! For the first time since 1970...50 years, I saw Tim's face. To say I broke down into tears is an understatement. It was a kind of a strange melancholy/happy emotion. I felt like I had just had a piece of my life returned to me. Now I don't just remember Tim...I can look at his face once again and think of the time we had together. I really do feel like the boy I loved has come back to me.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #1 quebec, Apr 22, 2020
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2020
    Spatula, VanBo, Nic2552 and 12 others like this.
  2. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    14,996
    Likes Received:
    2,920
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    What an amazing, wonderful, healing story! I'm so glad this has been such a positive experience for you! And especially thanks for sharing it. :slight_smile:
     
    Peterpangirl and quebec like this.
  3. Destin

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2018
    Messages:
    2,024
    Likes Received:
    687
    Location:
    The United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    That's fantastic! It's amazing how such seemingly small things like that from so long ago can be so important later on.

    Really happy for you :slight_smile:
     
    #3 Destin, Apr 23, 2020
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2020
    quebec likes this.
  4. DMals80

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2020
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    22
    Location:
    Omaha, NE
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    That's awesome, good for you!
     
    quebec likes this.
  5. MapleCross

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2013
    Messages:
    87
    Likes Received:
    9
    Location:
    London UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I am glad that you worked with a good therapist. It can make all the difference in deep inner healing. How great it is for you now to have a photo of Tim that you can look at and bring back so many good memories. Well done
     
    quebec likes this.
  6. DecentOne

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2017
    Messages:
    688
    Likes Received:
    355
    Location:
    East Coast US
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    David, I’m so glad you got Tim back, and yourself too!
     
    quebec likes this.
  7. brainwashed

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2014
    Messages:
    1,983
    Likes Received:
    407
    Location:
    Phoenix, AZ
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    FYI, the pain is/will be ultimately on them. Hate, pain stays with a person and degrades their life.

    From time to time I look at my two high school year books - junior, and senior. I look at the faces of the two primary guys I had a crush on. It feels good to look at their faces.
     
    quebec likes this.
  8. NotTooLoud

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 15, 2019
    Messages:
    221
    Likes Received:
    152
    Location:
    Washington state
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Your story made me cry!!!
     
    quebec likes this.
  9. quebec

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2014
    Messages:
    1,745
    Likes Received:
    932
    Location:
    Idaho
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    To all of you.....Thank you so much for your kind words and support. It means so much to me to see Tim's face again. Every once in a while I will have another dream and remember something else about him, or something that we did. Two days ago while I was awake and just kind of day-dreaming...for the first time...I remembered playing tennis with Tim. I've never remembered anything about Tim or those two years before that wasn't in a dream. I am so excited that more memories of Tim will come to me...that the parts of those two years that are still "lost" will come back! @NotTooLoud...I cry too! I cry for happiness! I'll be 70 this year and I've been married to a wonderful woman for 42 years in July. I have come out to her and we have chosen to stay together. I have a wonderful family of three sons and eight grandkids all of whom I love very much. I know now that only tragedy could allow me to have a relationship with another guy at this point in my life. But Tim has truly been given back to me. I have so much to be thankful for that I have no desire at all to look for any thing else.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    VanBo, Adz6, Mirko and 1 other person like this.
  10. Mirko

    Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2008
    Messages:
    16,951
    Likes Received:
    1,838
    Location:
    Northern Hemisphere
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thank you for sharing this part of your life David with us. An emotionally filled story, yet one that also keeps a special person in your heart.
     
    quebec likes this.
  11. Adz6

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2015
    Messages:
    105
    Likes Received:
    46
    Location:
    Sydney
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    David,
    I have a tear in my eye as I read your two posts
    Adrian
     
  12. Lgbtqpride

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2018
    Messages:
    283
    Likes Received:
    65
    Location:
    Earth
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Are you bisexual?
     
  13. quebec

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2014
    Messages:
    1,745
    Likes Received:
    932
    Location:
    Idaho
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Lgbtqpride..... No, I'm not bisexual, I'm gay. However, like a lot of guys in my generation, we ended up married to a women as we didn't know what else to do. In my case it was due in a large part to turning my back on my relationship with Tim as it was too painful to endure. I was just talking about this with my therapist this morning. I commented that I thought that it was certainly possible for the orientation of someone to alter during their life. I don't mean from homosexual to heterosexual, etc. but from one degree of, in my case, homosexuality, to another degree of the same orientation. When I married my wife I was gay...but not a 5 on the Kinsey scale gay. Maybe a 3.5 or a 4. Over the years that gradually has changed so that now I'm a pretty solid 5 on the scale. During my time with Tim I was probably a 4.5 or a 5, but the emotional trauma that I went through changed that. I'm certainly not an expert in the field of human sexuality...I can only speak of my own experience...and at times I have been a real mess! :old_smile: I'm happy that I am more stable now than I've been for most of my life. I know who I really am and accept myself far more than I ever have before with the exception of the two years that I was with Tim. I hope all of this makes some sense!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    Adz6 likes this.
  14. Lgbtqpride

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2018
    Messages:
    283
    Likes Received:
    65
    Location:
    Earth
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I hope your sons and grandkids will support you too. I hope they are not homophobic.
     
  15. Maldoone

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2018
    Messages:
    78
    Likes Received:
    30
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Oh David. I picked up your conversation in Adrian's string, and went to look for your story about Tim. I don't know what to say but I'm was very happy to hear that you found a photo. I was looking recently for pictures in old school photo graphs for someone special and found fuzzy renditions of the face I sought. I've tried sometimes over the years to find him, but never had any luck. 42 years since and I can see, like you, that had the world been in 1978, as it is now, things may have turned out very differently. Ah, but.
    Ken
     
    Adz6 and quebec like this.
  16. NotTooLoud

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 15, 2019
    Messages:
    221
    Likes Received:
    152
    Location:
    Washington state
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It's never too late, Ken.

    I feel very strongly that I would have taken my own life (something my former wife encouraged) if I had not left when I did, so I am living on some sort of heavenly (for lack of a better word) extension. Having been given this gift, I am not going to deny myself anything I really want.