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The Big Talk With My Wife...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by HereWeGo, Feb 22, 2016.

  1. MsEmma

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    HWG, I needed this today more than you know... Thank you for sharing. If you change [gay] to [trans] then it speaks to me like the Oracle of Delphi. My wife is in such denial that I'm trans that she's latching on to whatever hook she can think of to explain why I would make this "ridiculous claim," and now becoming vengeful - she out'ed me to my dad today and ultimately made it so I felt it necessary to move out tonight. I hope your words above are helpful in our couples therapy on Monday in crystallizing the path forward.

    Your journey seems like a much calmer, but longer one than mine and I see great value in that. Don't get discouraged, but stay resolute and true to who you are. You've got this... :thumbsup:
     
  2. SiennaFire

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    You get it and are doing the right things, so I'm not sure why you are feeling so low. Perhaps you're drained from work and the past few months? You're definitely heading in the right direction :thumbsup:

    I agree with your therapist that you know what you want in enough detail to move forward. You want to restructure your marriage so that you can have male companionship! The exact form of the restructuring requires input and discussion with your wife.

    I view knowing and accepting as two different things. You and I both knew at some level we were gay before we accepted it. Similarly, your wife knows at some level that you are gay and realizes this will have implications for your marriage. She's still in denial and needs to accept it. I think that she wants you (and you should) to drive the conversation. The script suggested by your therapist seems like an excellent starting point.

    This is an excellent North Star to keep in mind during the challenges of the journey! If you persist you will get there!!!
     
    #122 SiennaFire, Apr 29, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2016
  3. I'mStillStanding

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    So I'm hiding in kitchen at sister's graduation party. I've read your update but not replies to comments. So sorry if this has been said :slight_smile: first off (*hug*). I've only been able to so this because of the support from you guys. Your thread I found my first day on EC. Honestly reading your thoughts have been a life line for me and. for that I'm so thankful.

    Now time to be direct lol. Your posts have this theme of a desire to be true to you. In this post you cashed yourself gay and a homosexual. That days alot. Once I realized I was gay and not bi I knew I could live as gay anymore. I know your situation is different, but there is something else I've noticed. Your scared of being alone. I get that. Your current relationship is safe, but even at lunch at the Mexican restaurant you sounded lonely. Wishing to be part of a group your isolated from in a way. Honestly man I don't want you looking back thinking shit I was to scared... What if??? You have been amazing through this, such a pillar of strength. And guess what you still are :slight_smile: your words let me know I'm not alone. I hope your able to start group soon. And really hope I didn't over step :slight_smile: (*hug*)
     
  4. HereWeGo

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    DAY SEVENTY-TWO

    Thursday night I slumped into bed. My wife was already next to me. I pulled the covers up tight around me. I was exhausted. “How was your day?” she asked.

    “Long,” I muttered. “So, so long…”

    “What about your therapy session? How was that?” I knew my wife was fishing, but I was too wiped out to go into things with her, even though my therapist and I had come up with a plan.

    “Long,” I said again. “So, so long…”

    “Your therapy session was long? Do you want to just not talk about it or are you too tired?”

    “Both” I said. And that was that.

    The next morning my wife and I had to coordinate vehicles. We had to drive one car to the shop to have it fixed. I was swimming in my own thoughts about how to tackle the subject of my sexuality with my her. I tried keeping a stiff upper lip and put on a poker face, but my body language betrayed me and she saw through everything.

    “I think you have stuff you want to say to me and I think we need to talk. I’ve been trying to reach out to you the past couple of days.”

    “I know. And I appreciate it. It means a lot. I want to talk but I don’t have time. I got to go to work after we drop off the cars. Maybe tonight?”

    She looked resigned that she had to wait and we walked out the door. She followed behind me in her own car on the way to the mechanic. I could see her in my rearview mirror and I could see the stressed look on her face. At the mechanic I told her I would just go into work late. It wasn’t fair for both of us to be worked up over the anticipation of the conversation all day. I slid into the passenger seat and she said, “You can start talking now.” It felt odd to start such a huge conversation over a short car ride. I stalled by saying I was feeling isolated… alone… sad. She said maybe I was having a hormone imbalance. Maybe I should get it checked out. We stopped for coffee and went home.

    It’s hard for me to recall our entire conversation. I can only remember snippets, and I certainly can’t remember the order of what was said.

    I cleared the couch and sat down next to her. “I don’t know where to begin,” I said. “I guess I’ve been struggling so hard over the past few weeks and I’ve really accepted the fact that I’m gay. I can’t deny that anymore. I have to live as a gay man. I can’t tuck that part of myself away anymore. And I need you to really understand that. I want you to be able to accept that this is who I am. I feel like you keep offering solutions like going to a sex therapist or checking my hormones instead of just recognizing what I am.”

    “I don’t see why I have to accept anything!” she snapped. “I’m even angry that you asked me that!”

    She brought up my desire to go to group therapy and once again worried about agendas. And once again I explained my desire to be with peers. I want to talk to other men about their experiences coming out. I want to share mine. Until now I’ve only spoken with straight people about my situation. I need to talk to someone who understands what I’m going through.

    “So what if you go to group therapy and a gay person flirts with you? What then?”

    “Then I tell him I’m taken and flash my ring. It’s the same thing if I was going to any other kind of support group and a woman hit on me. Do you know what it’s like to feel like your gay and not talk about it with ANYBODY? In all these years, I’ve never been able to walk down a street, see a guy I find attractive and turn to someone and say ‘he’s cute’ or ‘he’s hot.’ I just quietly think it to myself and not share with anyone.”

    “OK, you tell me your gay. Fine. I still don’t know what you want me to do with that. I don’t understand. Since I’ve known you, you’ve always had a lack of drive. You’ve had a lack of drive in your career. You have a great job doing what I thought you loved to do, but you come home unhappy. And what about your family? Where’s your drive to protect me and the kids? You’re out of work in a couple of weeks and we have no money. Why aren’t you out looking for your next job? You have all these talents and what are you doing with them? So now you say you’re gay and this is the first time you’re truly driven? You’re not driven to figure out how to make our relationship work! Maybe group therapy would be good for you, but there are so many other issues you have to deal with, not just being gay!”

    I suggested that maybe I had to figure out my identity, that this was all- consuming and took so much energy out of me. Maybe if I cleared my plate of this mess, I could focus on other things. She said I never strive toward anything and any time she offers suggestions I shut her down. Like I never want to do what she suggests when she’s trying to help.

    “You know, you’ve always done whatever you wanted to do. I’ve watched you with your multiple hairstyles and tattoos, trying to figure yourself out. And you just go through life deciding ‘this is what I want’. Even your refusal to get a vasectomy. So we use some vaginal contraceptive instead and we just had vigorous sex and I got a UTI. You just sort of go ‘too bad, too sad’. You don’t think about how your actions affect the family. You don’t make sacrifices. I had to Cesareans. I made sacrifices. So while you’re doing whatever you want, the kids and I are waiting in the wings.”

    Was there any truth to what she was saying? Perhaps. She always thinks everything has to be a joint decision. Even little things like “should I get the car washed today?” And my response is frustration because not every little thing we do needs to be decided together. So do I sometimes do things without asking for permission? Yes. I felt like our conversation was going into the weeds a bit. This was obviously a moment to pick on my faults. Could I point out hers? In a heartbeat! I’ve brought in four to five times more money than her this year! But this was not the time or place for it. I very rarely call her out on her shit. Maybe I should more often.

    “Obviously you have a lot of built up resentment about who I am,” I said. “Why would you want to stay with someone like me who obviously doesn’t meet up to your ideals if I’m not driven enough, or you feel like I’m not there for the kids enough, or whatever it is?”

    “Just because I’m pointing things out doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I’m just offering a little criticism.”

    There was the first of many long pregnant pauses in our conversation.

    “You know, you’re a fool if you walk away from me. I’m smart. I’m an amazing mother. I hold down this family…” She rattled off a bunch of other qualities. “You know, with the exception of my weight, you kind of have a perfect package. You got the brass ring. And if you want to go live a gay life in West Hollywood, you’re going to find it very lonely. Because I’m right here… to be with you!”

    At some point I started sobbing. Snot dripped down my face. I started shaking and curled up into a ball and started screaming “FFfffffffuuuuuck!” It was followed by guttural noises and growls that were buried so deep. This evil energy started releasing from every pour of my body. I felt like I was being exorcised and was one step away from having my head spin around.

    “I wish I could explain to you where this feeling of being gay comes from. I know it makes no sense. My brain should be able to logically look at what is going on and deviate from that. But I can’t. It’s so primal. It’s the most primal thing I’ve ever felt in my life. I can’t even comprehend it.”

    My wife went on to say that checking my hormones was not about me being gay. She said she’s been doing a lot of research over the past couple of months. Men in their 40s do have a drop in hormones and it can create depression and a bunch of other issues. “That’s why men leave their marriages and go buy Porches and take Viagra. But it’s a taboo thing to talk about. You CAN do something about your hormone levels. Regardless of whether or not your gay. I think you need to have that checked out.”

    More awkward silence.

    “You better think long and hard where you want to be in the future. Do you know where you want to be in 10 years? What about 20? Because I sure do. I want to see our kids be independent and in college. I want a career in politics somehow. Maybe not running for office, but I want to work in that spectrum. And I want to be surrounded by a lot of friends. And in that story, I don’t know if I have a husband there with me. So that’s what I want. You better put on your big boy pants and figure out what you want too.”

    Again… more sobbing… more wretching… I can barely get words out. “The one thing I hang on to is what we’ve asked each other over the years. ‘Do you love me know matter what?’ And I’m hoping that you do.”

    “Listen. I don’t know what this means for us. But you have to know that I’m mama bear. And I’m going to do my damnedest to protect me and the kids. So I don’t know what this means for us. Are you moving out? Are we not going to have sex anymore? Do we have to meet our sexual needs elsewhere?”

    I realize now that I just took all she threw at me. I didn’t fight very much. I didn’t know what to say. At some point she said I needed to get to work. I said I never know how to end these conversations. It would be nice if there was almost some sort of ritual to end things on so we know we have closure on our sessions. I looked at my wife and said, “I love you no matter what.” And instead of parroting what I said, or saying “I love you too”, she coldly said, “I know.”

    I went downstairs to shower. At one point I heard her say, “Honey, are you going to be long, because I need to get in there too.” We went from such an intense conversation to her using terms of affection with me. Was it a slip?

    I walked back upstairs wrapped in a towel. I felt vulnerable when she walked in. I brought up affection and how we handle it. She brings up sex and says she’s cold at the moment and asks about me. I said I’m the same way. Not today, not at this moment. She asked about all the snuggling I did with her in bed the last few nights. Was I into sex then? I told her I wasn’t. I was wrestling with too much other stuff in my head. I told her I need to take direction from her about the kind of affection she’ll accept from me right now, but I made it clear I want to continue to be affectionate with her. I still want to hug her when I come home from work and kiss her goodnight when we go to bed. She ended by saying she doesn’t want a filial relationship with me. I can hardly blame her. Yet I feel that’s all I can offer.

    On my way to the office, I wished that my wife could understand how much I’m fighting to hold on to her, but I’m dealing with a much bigger force. I feel like she thinks I’m giving up to easily, like I haven’t been putting up a fight. What she doesn’t understand is that I’ve been fighting this for the last 10-15 years. I’ve only reached this point because I have no fight left.

    ---

    She reached out a couple of times during the day to talk about domestic stuff. There were pleasant texts and even little terms of affection. She took the kids to the movies. When it was over, I asked if she wanted to meet me with the kids somewhere for a late meal. It was nice to see them all, and even my wife appeared happy to see me. Was she putting on a front for the kids? Because that’s one thing that would kill me: her being two faced and being kind whenever other people were around, but raking me over the coals when we’re alone.

    But that didn’t happen. We had plenty of small talk at home. Told stories about our day. She even watched a cut of the documentary I was working on. But at 11pm, she said she was tired, and her back was so tight she could barely lay down. She took a muscle relaxer and zonked. I continued to work late and crawled into bed at around 1:30.

    At 2:30 she woke up and caught me just as I was adjusting the music I was listening to in order to help me sleep.

    “I was sleeping so deeply,” she said, “but now my heart is racing.” Her voice was calm. We spoke for another hour and a half, very slowly… one sentence at a time… sometimes three or four minutes of silence between thoughts.

    She felt like I’ve already made a choice to choose this other life. That I’ve given up what I have and already moved on. She was scared about me going to gay group therapy because she saw it as one more step down the path. Group therapy can be intimate and what if I become attached to someone in there? Again, she sounded almost serene during her thought process.

    She asked why I’m so sure I’m gay and not bisexual. I told her again about the test the therapist gave me. “If I could build you the most beautiful woman in the world, would you be attracted to her?” My answer was “no”.

    “I realize all your energy has been about figuring out what to do about you being gay. You’re so driven to go down that path. You don’t even hear what you say sometimes. What you say is so hurtful and you don’t even know it. When someone asks if you could be attracted to the most beautiful woman, the answer I want to hear is ‘Yes, and that woman is my wife’”.

    She said she felt me slipping away. This is the beginning of the end of our marriage.

    She talked about seeing me as a puzzle piece to our family. When I walk in the door our family is complete. I told her I genuinely crave the same thing. I still want to live with my family. I want to be a part of my family’s daily life… But the sex thing is a problem. It’s to primal. It’s too deep to ignore.

    “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m feel so, so bad for you.” Tears streaked silently down my cheek in the dark.

    “It feels so surreal,” I said. “If you’d told me 20 years ago, this is what would be happening to me, I’d never believe it. I feel like I’m in some sort of theater of the absurd.”

    She mentioned how bad her back was again. I started to massage it. She pulled her shirt off so I could get better access. I always enjoyed massaging her back. (I often thought I’d make a good massage therapist). I worked on her back for a good 30-45 minutes. Our conversation turned back to chit chat… funny stories… small talk. We switched so effortlessly.

    It was so weird to have a conversation about my situation without the anger, or the denial, and maybe… just maybe… having a slight acceptance.

    So that’s where we are. We probably need to go back to our couples therapist to figure out next steps. I expect the anger will return. The denial will return. The bargaining will return. But I guess for now we’ll take things one step at a time.

    ---------- Post added 30th Apr 2016 at 04:08 PM ----------

    Ms. Emma, I feel bad I'm just now responding to you. I'm so sorry your wife did that too you. That's truly a horrific thing. I sometimes have the fear my wife will do something similar, but I have the good faith that she won't. I hope you are somewhere safe right now. Best of luck with therapy on Monday. I hope you get to move forward to a better place soon.

    ---------- Post added 30th Apr 2016 at 04:16 PM ----------

    Man. You pointed out something that seems so obvious but did not resonate with me until now. I am fairly lonely. I'm sure dealing with my sexuality has isolated me a lot. I do have friends, but nobody super close. My closest friends ironically live thousands of miles away. I guess that's part of the attraction of group therapy. I need some new friends! I appreciate you pointing out the obvious.


     
  5. SiennaFire

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    Thanks for sharing your posts, which have been a source of inspiration for many folks here on EC.

    In reading this entry, it's pretty clear to me that your wife is tugging on your emotional strings pretty hard because she knows that she may lose you. She made reference to her being the mama bear who wants to protect her kids - "I’m mama bear. And I’m going to do my damnedest to protect me and the kids." I feel that she's trying to manipulate you the papa bear into staying in the marriage. I hope you recognize that and find the strength to push back and say what you want, no, what you need as a gay man. While most of your family decisions are made jointly via mutual discussion, you need to stand up and say to her "This is what I need...". I know this might be a tough message to hear because this doesn't appear to be something you're naturally inclined to do. I've been there and discovered that I had more strength than I realized. Let your desire to be with another man nourish you. You are at the point of your journey where you need to stand up for yourself and what you need as a gay man, even though this flies in the face of what mama bear wants.

    Be strong, be proud

    (&&&) :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  6. HereWeGo

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    DAY SEVENTY-THREE

    Last night my family and I sat around the dinner table. We usually do something called Roses andThorns where we talk about something good about our day and something bad, but last night the seven-year-old mixed things up a bit. She suggested we first go around the table and talk about something that’s recently been hard for us, and then go around the table and say something good.

    I said, “Well kids, I’m gay and I don’t know what to do with it and I’ve been crying myself to sleep at night. I have this drive to run away, but I don’t because I still have this love for your mom. On top of that we’re broke and my job ends in a week and I don’t even have enough money to cover the mortgage this month. So sorry guys. No surf camp this summer.” No, I didn’t really say that. I mentioned it’s been hard recently because I’ve been away from my family so much due to work and I miss everyone.

    When it came to talking about good things, the seven-year-old said: “I’m happy because I love my family and I love it when we’re together and I love knowing we’re going to be together forever and ever.”

    Talk about a punch in the gut!
     
  7. Nickw

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    Hey HWG

    Hang in there. It really comes across how both of you care so much for the life you have together. So, so difficult for the both of you.

    I think it is really hard for straight people to understand same sex attractions and it may seem like a choice to them. Getting beyond that is a major hurdle and it seems like your wife has not yet been able to do that.

    I know that you do know this...but, it is not YOUR choice. I think it is worth reminding ourselves of this often.

    You mentioned that your wife, at least peripherally, mentioned the possibility of opening up your marriage. How would you feel about that? Do you see a way to keep your family unit largely intact and still explore your gay? How would you feel if your wife was see other men for her needs?
     
  8. I'mStillStanding

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    Ok that's not funny... I thought damn talk about putting it out there lol. Man hugs, this journey sucks but you really are strong being to handle it like this.
     
  9. TravelerMe

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    HWG I had a couple of similar punches in the gut recently. Last week my 2nd oldest (15) was having a bad day but she's the one that never complains and keeps things in. Well one last thing put her over the edge and when I walked in her room and she burst into tears. I just held her let her cry on my shoulder and told her how proud I was of her. That happened at 11:45PM on a school night. If I was off living my big gay dream I wouldn't have been there for her. She would have just stayed in her room and cried alone. Ugh

    We just have to figure out a way we can be there for them and be who we are at the same time. This time of uncertainty is so distracting if you're like me I drift off and am not present like could be. Maybe if we get to really live authentically we'll be free to devote even more time and focus to them?
     
  10. I'mStillStanding

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    Traveler, I love that point. I know I don't have kids. But I can honestly say that after I came out I was able to focus so much more energy on what was happening, but still had this nagging problem. Well since living "out" some I'm much more at peace and even more focused on non gay things look :slight_smile:
     
  11. Teach1

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    I have read through a lot, but not all of this thread. I relate to so much of it. I feel that I am about to embark on the same thing soon. This gives me courage, and helps me realize that I am not alone. Thanks so much.
     
  12. TAXODIUM

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    Just. Wow. Hugs.
     
  13. HereWeGo

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    DAY SEVENTY-FIVE

    Sunday was the first wonderful family day I’ve had in a long time. My daughter recently learned to ride her bike and my son had a new one, so we all drove to the Hollywood reservoir so the kids could bike around the lake while my wife and I walked. It felt good to be out in “nature”. The kids were free to run ahead so my wife and I got to spend a little time together. Early on I grabbed her hand and held it. It felt so comforting. “Are we going to be okay?” she asked.

    “I hope so,” I replied, speaking from the bottom of my heart. She seemed resigned by my answer.

    Yesterday I was back at work. I was so lonely. I was sequestered in my office all day with the door closed working on last minute things for my project. I couldn’t concentrate though. I kept checking EC every half hour. For what? I don’t know. I suppose it was to find somebody to connect with. EC has been my life line through all this and yet in a way, it still feels very distant and far away. The occasional response I get from my posts are becoming the highlight of my day. That need to hear from people who are going through the same thing I am… that need to connect… and yet in the end, I’m just looking at words on a monitor. So lonely.

    I was worried because my wife had therapy and I wondered what new insight she would come home with. While my wife worries about what agendas my therapists may have, I worry about what agenda her therapist has as well. Let’s face it, therapists really only hear one side of the story unless it’s couples therapy. She called to check on me while I was out getting lunch. As much as I missed her and wanted to embrace her, I was distant on the phone. I had fallen into a depressive funk. Maybe it was time to start taking the anti-depressants I had on the counter… the ones I got a couple months ago but didn’t want to take because I didn’t want them to cloud my judgement while I’m on this journey.

    I got home around 8:30 and helped round the kids up for bed. My wife offered to heat up some dinner, but I wanted her to have a break. She hung out with me in the kitchen while I prepared something. We went down to the basement living room to watch a little TV, but the TV never got turned on.

    She asked how I was doing and I told her how lonely I felt. Thus began another long conversation. I’m summarizing three hours into a few paragraphs. She expressed her discomfort again about me joining gay group therapy. She worries about agendas. She’s afraid of the intimacy that’s created in a group therapy setting. She said every step I take is away from her and the family.

    She expressed that being gay does not make up all of me. She says she doesn’t understand why I’m making being gay so important... why I’m so obsessed with it. “It’s like this shiny new toy that you’re drawn to.” She said there are many parts of me, and doesn’t understand why I’m focusing solely on that one part. She said I’m a father, a husband, a talented producer… so many other things. I told her I tried to ignore the gay part of me for so long by focusing on all the other aspects of my life, but eventually that gay part started bubbling over and pouring out of me.

    I told her that she couldn’t possibly understand what it feels like, and there’s no way to describe it. If someone on EC has a way of explaining it in layman’s terms, I’d love to hear it. I said “Rationally, you’d think that the mind can overcome this, that I can just tell myself to ignore this thing festering inside me, but it’s so much more primal, that can’t be explained.” I think that’s where the big disconnect happens. There is absolutely nothing for her to compare what I’m going through and so being an outsider looking in, it sounds so rational that I can just turn off this gay beacon going off inside me.

    She keeps talking about what she’d be open to do: trying voyeur clubs, sex toys, she said she’d try anal… anything to bring me back to her. She doesn’t understand why I keep rejecting her.

    At one point I talked about how much shame I had. “There’s no reason you should feel shame,” she said in a nurturing moment. You get shame from something you do. “I said I have shame for having the thoughts that I do.”

    “Would you think bad of me if I had sexual thoughts about women?” she asked. I shook my head. “What about masturbating while fantasizing about women? So if you don’t see anything wrong with it, why would I think it was wrong for you to have those thoughts?”

    “Because I want to act on them,” I replied. Throughout all our conversations, I was still too afraid to blatantly say I truly desired to have sex with a man. Maybe I’ve alluded to it, but I always had caveats. “Of course I wouldn’t want that because I’m married.” Without realizing it, I was becoming bolder in expressing my desire to experience sex with a man. But I spoke in nonsensical riddles… spoke out of both sides of my mouth. My wife called me out on it. And I knew it was true, for I was far too scared to speak the truth.

    More questions… more prodding… What if you could have your own sexual Rumspringa and you could do whatever you want? Fuck, I don’t even remember how I answered that one.

    I tried going back to my own definition of intimacy. It’s not just about sex, but about holding each other, and being with each other, and making ourselves vulnerable to each other. And in that regard I was very intimate with her…. But the sex is a problem.

    I explained how I couldn’t get aroused in the bedroom again because I view our bedroom as sacred and I don’t want my gay self to be a part of that equation. I want to leave the gay me outside the door. I want to be totally in the moment with her and only her. But when the gay part of my starts banging on the door and wanting in, it forces me to shut down.

    “I don’t know how much longer I can do a song and dance to get your attention. Do I buy lingerie? Do we try new things in the bedroom? At some point, I’m going to give up if you’re not receptive.”

    The words all hung in a jumble in the air… I sat mute… per usual… not knowing what to say. “Just answer one question for me. Why can’t you ever say I’m beautiful? You can never say that word to me.”

    She’s so hung up on that word. I embarrassingly stumbled through my answer. I said I use other words, but beautiful just isn’t something in my vernacular. And if I all of a sudden started using it after she points out that I don’t, then the word loses meaning. Stupid answer!

    There was another painful silence.

    “I’m such a fool she said. I’m such a fool. The answer was right in front of me the whole time and I didn’t see it. You’re not attracted to me anymore. You’re…just…not…attracted to me. It seems so obvious now. That’s really it.” She was so calm when she said this. “Tomorrow we’ll call our therapist and set up an appointment, and when we see her we’ll talk about moving on, that our marriage is over.”

    I exploded in tears. There was something about hearing those words, for the first time in my life that just felt like a stab to my heart, and yet it was a watershed moment because for the first time, she realized what she was up against. And I just felt heartache and sadness. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.

    We were finally distracted by our daughter who woke up in the middle of the night to have to go to the bathroom. My wife went upstairs to take care of her. I went up too. After a few minutes, we stood 15 feet apart looking at each other. “I don’t know what to do now.” She said.

    “You want me to hold you?” I asked (which is all I really wanted all day). She nodded her head and broke down crying. We held each other for so long, soaking each other’s shirts with tears and snot and for the first time, we mourned the beginning of the end of our marriage. We were both on the same page. We were both so incredibly sad… just sad.

    It was 2:30am. We turned off the lights and crawled into bed and clung tightly to each other and cried some more. I brushed my hand through her hair. I rubbed her arm. Our legs entangled with each other. Wrapping myself around her felt so safe, comfortable and warm. I was sharing this moment of loss with my best friend, my confidant, my partner in mischief, my everything… and yet, I was losing a piece of her. She kissed me on the cheek and didn’t let go.

    Once the crying stopped we were both wide awake. We started talking about domestic things. We spent a long time talking about her friend who is going through a horrible divorce. Her husband cheated on her with someone else in the neighborhood and this is the second marriage this woman’s broken up. And the two women both have sons who are each other’s best friends. We talked about how despicable the situation was. It’s so much easier to criticize someone else’s situation. What would people say about ours? I really don’t care.

    We finally dozed off a little after 4am. Three hours later, I was up with the kids.

    After I dropped the kids off at school, I crawled back into bed next to my wife. I looked at the serene look on her sleeping face and I started sobbing again. It hurt so much knowing that there may be a time where I could wake up and not see next to me this person that I love with all my heart. As much as I crave this other awakening part of myself, I still crave for my own wife’s affection and intimacy.

    We have a gay friend who lives down the street who’s our age. He and my wife are really close. He came out when he was in his early 20s, breaking off an engagement with a woman. His dad despises the fact that he’s gay. And he’s been lonely his entire life. He has plenty of sex. And he finally had a great boyfriend a year ago that my wife and I both liked. He was a bit younger. It didn’t work out and he reeled from it. He talks about how hard it is for him to find eligible men his age in this city who want to commit to a relationship. His situation really scares me. (He doesn’t know about my situation unless my wife told him). I don’t want to be like that. And next to me in bed is someone that I truly love, that is committed to me.

    I didn’t want to wake my wife up from all the crying so I got up and did some work on the couch. “Honey!” my wife cried out in the quiet house.

    “I’m here,” I said.

    “Oh, I was so afraid you’d left.”

    I slipped next to her and she put her head on my chest. “My favorite place to be” she always called it. I cried some more… no words… just tears.

    Eventually I got up and got ready for work. We told each other “I love you”, and held each other some more. What longing! We both were afraid to let go, as if this was the last time we’d see one another. I told her to call me so we can check in on each other.

    At work, I made an appointment with our therapist for next Wednesday. That’s more than a week away. How much can change in that time?

    My wife called while I was writing this. “Let’s not have another night like last night.” She said.

    “I don’t want that either,” I replied. “I just want to hold you and be with you.”

    “Me too.”

    “I love you.”

    “I love you”
     
  14. Nickw

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    HWG

    I, too, get distracted from my work to check in on this forum. My situation is not nearly as painful as yours, but, it still feels good to have someone to bounce things off of and to just get some validation that there are others out there that have similar issues. Even if it is just a screen.

    I keep saying this...hang in there. Your pain really comes through in your writing and I hope you are reaching the point where you come out the other side and start to enjoy the world through your real self.

    I admire how you have kept faithful to your wife in all of this and how you continue to care so much for her. I keep wondering if there is anyway that you can somehow salvage that. But, I know that it is probably not really possible...the part of you your wife needs just doesn't exist does it?

    I understand how you cannot stop the "gay" from being a part of you. But, I am not sure how to explain that to someone who is not attracted to same sex. I have been struggling with how to explain this to my wife. It is odd that the biggest fear I have in being out as a bisexual is that I don't really want my identity to be attached to gay sex or sex acts. It is only an expression of the attraction; but so often it can become defining by those that do not understand.

    Please take care of yourself. If you can find a place that gives you that inner sense of peace, take the time to go there.
     
  15. TravelerMe

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    HWG
    You're posts are really helping prepare for the day I come out to my wife. I hope we'll help each other get through it with love and understanding like you two seem to be doing.

    It's so hard to explain to someone what it means to be gay. It's not just same sex attraction or sex itself. It's so primal as you said. A friend I came out to thought I could just lead a double life and sleep around. I tried to explain to him it's not just sex. It's like walking around in someone else's skin; being an imposter; wearing a mask; hiding wherever you go. He started to get it after I exlained I'm not able to be me when I'm shadowing my very essence when I'm around others. It's not just one of my attributes its THE attribute everything else is a subordinate to it.
     
  16. HereWeGo

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    Thanks for the responses guys. Your encouragement and support are so appreciated. We are all in this together and it's nice to have each other's proverbial shoulders to lean on. No talk about the big gay elephant on the room tonight. It was so nice. Now time for snuggling with my wife... And I'm okay with that.
     
  17. I'mStillStanding

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    HereWeGo, I actually had to read your post twice. I cried a bit, lol I'm such a girl I cried a lot. Anyway, what do you think take next step will be? Reading the last few posts you guys seem ready to find some resolution, what ever that may be. How was therapy? Can't wait for your next updaye :slight_smile: hugs
     
  18. nerdbrain

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    I could have written this. What an insane, awful mess.

    I recently had dinner with my dad, who knows most of what's going on with me. He asked if I love my wife and I said yes, very much.

    Although at first (many years ago) he had a hard time hearing me talk about being gay, in the past few years he's made an effort to be supportive and accepting. But I could see him struggling to understand how I could claim to love my wife and at the same time say that I'm gay.

    And I don't blame him. It makes no sense.

    I think about my own struggle, but I can't even imagine what it's like for you with kids in the picture.

    All I can offer is platitudes: hang in there man.
     
  19. HereWeGo

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    It got messier this morning. We just had sex. We've been snuggling so much the past few nights. I craved to kiss her, but resisted with the exception of some pecks on the cheek. Then this morning, she asked if she could touch me. I sprang right to attention. I thought about resisting because I know it makes things so much more confusing, but I also craved intimacy with her so bad. I didn't have to struggle to perform. I was so into it. Some might say she was being manipulative, but I don't think so. I think we are both desperate to hang on to what we have. Awhile later, she asked how I felt about it. I was honest. I told her I loved it but felt confused. She said she thought she was beginning to lose me, that my intention was not to stay with her. She asked if I desired to have sex with a man and I told her I did. She once again made it clear that there was not space for both scenarios in her life. She thinks I can channel this energy elsewhere. She says she's okay with my fantasies, but being with a dude is off limits. What sucks is in a few days I'll be back to where I was, desiring to be with a man and we'll take another spin on the merry-go-round.



    I'm jealous you can talk to your dad about your situation. There's no way my family would be open to this discussion... Not that they would shun me for being gay, but they aren't the most open people when it comes to talking about emotions.

    Right back at ya!
     
    #139 HereWeGo, May 5, 2016
    Last edited: May 5, 2016
  20. Butterfly2016

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    What a brave person. Your story is very inspirational and deep. People can really learn from this. Thank you for sharing :slight_smile: