The best way to confirm your sexuality is..?

Hi all. I’m pretty new on here so forgive me if this is the wrong topic for this forum.

To give you some context I am 50-ish guy who has recently realised that I have VERY strong feelings towards men. I have been repressing this all my life underneath a whole heap of excuses, stereotyping and flat out denial. I have had multiple hetro relationships including a (failed) marriage, but none of them have ever satisfied me sexually, or emotionally. So I have decided to do something about it.

I came up with the notion that the only way to really know if I am into men is to date men.

It really seems that simple to me. So my question to you amazing people is, am I right and if so what are the pitfalls/problems I should look out for, or if I am wrong, why, and what other approaches would you suggest?


Please be as open and honest as you want to be, I’m not easily offended and I always value honesty when it’ s served with a hint of tact.


Thanks - Paul x

 

Paul101, the best way to confirm your suspicion that you might be gay is to go out and date another guy. You find out rather quickly one way or the other. It would seem based on what you wrote you will find dating another man emotionally and at some point sexually more stimulating than your past heterosexual experiences. For me finally dating another guy opened my eyes to a world I had fantasized about but never had the nerve to experience. My conversion if you will was a direct result of that first date and the incredibly pleasurable experience I had. Just do it as the slogan goes.

 

Thnx Contented for the reply and for sharing. What you wrote really resonated with me
Just coming on here and being able to post about how I truly feel and have people like yourself respond has made me more sure that I am heading in the right direction.

If you don't mind me asking, how did you get that first date with a guy?

thnx - Paul x

 

Well. I think dating men is a good idea. But, I wouldn’t make this your way to define your sexuality.

You may find your experience unsatisfying since good intimacy may depend on the right emotional connection, as well as a physical one. I know I was pretty indifferent after my first experience with another man. It just wasn’t that great.

A good indicator of your sexuality is your fantasies. If they, mostly, revolve around men, it is likely that you are at least not straight.

I think when most of us get to where you are, we, pretty much, know the truth and maybe just haven’t accepted it. From what you’ve written, it sounds like you know the answer.

 

Nickw reading your reply has made me realise that I am not confused about my sexuality, rather I am trying to find ways to avoid accepting it.

As you suggested, looking at my fantasies has help me realise this. They all revolve around men I have known, friends and work colleagues, who, while not being hot guys, did have something in common. They were all kind and sensitive and thinking of being intimate and gentle with them, especially kissing them, is what really lights my fire.
I have thought to be gay meany being into hot rugged guys or real mens men, neither of which turns me on. I think I also had a twisted view of what a gay relationship was. Looking back at past at how my past Hetro relationships were I can see that if I had been with any of those guys I have fancied in the past it would have been much different.

Thanks Nickw you have help me see past something that has been blocking me from making a real step towards accepting myself, and for that I am truly grateful.

Paul x

 

@Paul101

I think most of us really know what our sexuality is by the time we are your age. I know I did. But, I could still find ways to try and diminish the importance or make my m2m attractions fall under a kink rather that my sexuality. We also tend to define gay as something we might not be. For me it was "I'm not like Elton John so not gay". My boyfriend felt the same way when he was younger. I think it's pretty common to pick something about what we assume being gay is and then deny it is us. It is a way of avoiding and deny. Heterosexual privilege is tough to give up. I would suggest doing a few things.

Look in the mirror and say to yourself "I'm gay". Get used to that. Go out and walk about and think of yourself as how right it feels to just be yourself...A gay man just out for a walk.

I guarantee that when you are intimate with a man it will seem like it is just right when it is the right guy. It won't be a test of your sexuality. Because you will know it before you get there. That said, you may be really amazed at how good it will feel. How freeing.

 

Nickw - I understand everything you are saying there, having an idea about what gay is and yes I have know since my late twenties I've just been avoiding it. I love those two suggestions and I am definitely going to try those both today.

Thanks for the honesty and wisdom it has genuinely helped me get past a barrier.

Paul x

 

NickW says it very succinctly for sure. Once you meet the right guy everything starts to fall into place. You will find with the right man it all makes sense and your comfort level with your same sex attraction will seem right.
My experience was after the first real date I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was gay. This was what had been missing from my life and why I felt so unfulfilled and empty. I had never felt the romantic and physical attraction with a woman that I felt that first time with another man. It seems so incredibly right. In my case I never looked back nor did I miss any aspect of heterosexuality. Finally coming out was another story not quite as easy as just admitting to myself I was 100% gay.

 

Thanks Contented for the encouragement. I think you and Nickw have really hit the nail on the head for me. I am sure if I met the right guy, like you say, it would all just happen. So now I thinking about what I would like in a guy, and it's amazing how just changing my thinking as made a real difference to how I feel. Not sure I am ready to come out to friends and family, but certainly ready to relax a bit maybe.

It has been great to hear this from you guys and I am genuinely surprised at how far I come over the last day or two. I am under no illusion I have a long way to go, but little steps are great fro now.

Paul x

 

Hey @Paul101

How did it go?

 

Hi Nickw - Thanks for checking in with me. In short it went (and is going) really well.

I am taking a moment every morning to talk to myself in the mirror and tell myself that I am a gay man and that it is ok. I remind myself throughout the day that I am just a gay man going about his business, and before I turn off the light at night I take a minute to just relax and let myself feel entirely at peace with the world and who I am. This change has already started to make sense of what being gay is going to mean for me and how my sexuality fits into my life, it has been very affirming. Thank you for the simple and beautiful gift you have given to me.

However I do have a new problem. I noticed as I was out and about I found myself checking a few guys out, which is something I have never let myself do out in public before. It was very easily imagine flirting with them and the thought was kind of exciting. But then I realised I have no idea how to flirt with a guy or if it is even how to know if it's ok to flirt with them. I know it might sound like a newbie question but how do you go about working out who's who, and is flirting with guys the same as with flirting with girls?

Paul x

 

I actually paid a female escort, it made things so much easier. I wanted to know if I was gay and she helped me answer that question pretty quickly. I didn't want the awkwardness of trying to meet someone who would be willing to experiment with me.

 

Paul it certainly sounds like you making significant strides in embracing your same sex attraction. It is a different experience when you start to notice other guys. I know it took me a little while to be totally comfortable seeing another guy as an object of sexual desire but not too long! I remember being on a beach and starting to notice the hot guys there. I started to admonish myself for looking at those guys but then I reminded myself I was gay now and it’s ok.
As far as meeting other gay guys why not try getting involved at a local LGBTQ center. Many have activities such as sports teams and the like that would make meeting other gay men a little easier. Going to a more gay centric city and feeling vibe of the gay community might help as well. Remember your journey is a marathon and not a sprint. You will find your way for sure. When you do find the right guy to date it all seems to naturally fall into place.

 

@Paul101

@Contented described it well.

Each of our journey's is a little different. I came out as bisexual to my wife when I was in my mid-fifties. I did a lot of the same steps as you. To be bisexual I had to be "gay". I had used my straight side for decades as a way to diminish my same sex attractions. So, I had to stand in front of the mirror and own my gay.

Now. What to do about it? My wife said it best. "You cannot not be gay and you cannot be gay alone".

My wife and I first decided that we would remain monogamous. But, I still needed a gay community. So, I attended Pride. I went to a gay ski week. I joined a gay hiking group. I also got on the hookup apps to just chat with other gay men. I was careful to avoid diving into the sexual hookup part of the conversation. I found many guys just wanted to find a community too...not just the sex. So, pretty soon I started getting invited to gay parties, picnics and night on the town. It was so freeing to be with these guys.

I had plenty of opportunity to take the relationships further. I chose not to for a year or so. But, the experience of being able to experience being gay with other LGBTQ folks was essential to my growth.

Above all. I decided this needed to be fun!

 

Contented, Nickw thanks guys that is a good way of approaching it. Pity I decided to embrace my gay in the middle of a global pandemic I looked the local LGBQT+ organisations in my area and there are a few but they aren't doing much at the moment as we're all still suffering lockdown restrictions here. However I have a good place to start now, might look on line for a few other message boards too.
Although I am very excited at the thought of the sex side of things I am certainly not in a rush. I am not a hookup/anonymous sex kind of person and know I will be waiting until I meet someone who at least feels right. But the idea of just hanging around with guys who I can be myself with is exciting enough. If they are anything like you I know I will be in good company.

I might steal your motto though Nickw - It's got to be fun!

Thank you so much for the kind and encouraging words of wisdom I am so grateful and amazed at how more relaxed I am feeling for reading them.

Paul x

 

Hi spunkyostrich (love the name) An escort would be a bold move, I am not sure I could get it on with a stranger. I like to get to know people before I get intimate. But, how did it work for you and did you do it more than once?

thnx - Paul x

 

Paul absolutely this experience you are going through should be fun, sensual, erotic and fulfilling for sure. Same sex attraction and intimacy is not some curse but rather a wonderful opportunity to open yourself up to a myriad of sensations and emotions that have been pent up for many many years. Relax and enjoy this liberating time in your life. Embrace the freedom you feel by being exactly who you are a gay man. My experience has been that even with all the ups and downs being gay can result in, it still is and has been an awesome ride so far.

 

I booked a female escort for 3 hours, the first time we talked for 2 hours before we got intimate. Then the next time we spent less time chatting, I've seen her multiple times. I love the fact that it's simple, we have intelligent conversation, we enjoy a spa bath, bottle of wine and there is no issues that you get with a normal person. I felt it would be insulting to a gay person to say can you sleep with me, just to see if I like it because I'm not sure, so I went for an escort.

 

Wow! That is not how I imagined it to be. I probably need to get a better understand of Escorts. It sounds super sensual though, which is a real turn on, and the idea of talking and just being with someone is very appealing. If you don't mind me asking, how did you find the Escort?

 

Well Paul while your looking in the mirror talking to your self here is some more to say. I am just being my true self . I deserve to be happy. There are alot worse things in life than figuring out your gay. I was in my late fifties when we figured it out. My livein girlfriend arranged my first date with a man. She knew a few gay and bi men. I was out as bi just like that. We played with men together as she was straight. she has since passed away and now I am just gay.
How to meet people dating sites , activity websites has gay section, gay or swinger bars. Also coming out to women they usaully know someone. Friends may know someone or have a gay relative.
That just food for thought. Life is not easy it is hard work.