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Thanksgiving bitterness

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Destin, Nov 25, 2018.

  1. Destin

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    My parents haven't really been the most accepting of being gay, and my mom dislikes my boyfriend of almost a year after they met once.

    When I mentioned bringing him with me to Thanksgiving this year I was told it was for 'family only' which is such crap because non-family members have come many times before. It was just their way to tell me that my boyfriend isn't welcome there. He has no real family to celebrate it with himself, so there was no way I was going to just abandon him and force him to be alone on Thanksgiving and told them that. Instead of being understanding of that, the 'family only' thing was insisted upon which pretty much uninvited me from my own family's Thanksgiving since I wouldn't go without him. So I couldn't go, and of course just to rub it in more my mom later mentioned that my siblings were upset I didn't come like it was somehow my fault and not hers when all I wanted to do was bring my boyfriend and she wouldn't let me.

    I'm so tired of this. Every time I try to repair the family damage caused by coming out and think things are finally getting better, I get reminded yet again that I'm still something to be ashamed of to them and they'll never treat me the same as before. I'm sure I'll get to deal with this crap all over again on Christmas and New Years too.

    I can feel the bitterness over family issues affecting my behavior towards others and that makes it even worse. I notice myself being more aggressive, irritated, and rude to people, including on this site, and then feel bad for snapping at them.

    Was I really so wrong to want to want to bring him with me?
     
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  2. BookDragon

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    No you weren't wrong, of course not.

    Just a thought...are your siblings accepting of you being gay? I only ask because if they are then perhaps you could turn that whole "siblings were upset" thing to your advantage and see if they will argue with your mother if that was something you wanted to do...
     
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  3. Destin

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    Yes they're accepting. The issue with that plan though is two are mentally disabled so can't argue anything, one is secretly bisexual or lesbian and is afraid of my parents finding out about it because of how I'm treated, and the last one is afraid of my parents cutting her off if she defends me too much since they pay for all her college expenses.
     
  4. BookDragon

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    Ah, yeah that would definitely put a spanner in that plan. That said, it's almost certainly worth talking to them about it anyway, if for no other reason than having someone in your family who recognises that your mother is being unreasonable.
     
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  5. smurf

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    Shit sucks. My husbands dad still won't meet me and my husband has been out for 10 years now. For a funeral for my husband's stepmom I went with him, but stayed in the hotel for the actual funeral because we knew I wasn't invited. Sometimes family never comes around so I can't promise you that yours will. Maybe they will, but until then you gotta survive it all.

    What I can tell you though is that the term "chosen family" came from this scenario.

    Yes, it fucking sucks, but things are 100% better when you are surrounded by people who love you and support you. If you don't have a group of close friends I would highly invite you to invest some energy in cultivating those relationships. They will be a life saver later on. I personally need to have a group of LGBT friends so I can vent to and cry with when this shit happens, but supportive straight peeps work too. Whoever you feel you can be 100% yourself with, keep those people.

    You are taking it out on other people because you aren't dealing with the pain you are experiencing. You have to let it out somehow

    As for your family, if your financial future depends on it then I would celebrate holidays with your boyfriend together a day or so early. Then go home for the night and bear it through. When you come back cry it out, deal with the pain, and then make sure you both work your asses off so that one day you won't need them anymore

    Sorry you have to go through it all!
     
    #5 smurf, Nov 26, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2018
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  6. zuice

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    You have to have two Thanksgiving events. At one event you show up with no expectation for joy. At the other event, you show up with your lover and regain your sanity for joy.
     
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  7. BothWaysSecret

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    That sucks. I'm sorry you had to deal with that yet again.

    I do agree with what others have said, mainly talking to your siblings about it and also having two Thanksgivings until you're able to be fully free.

    As for the increased aggression/irritability, maybe look into ways you can let out your anger that doesn't involve snapping at people? Maybe boxing or something...
     
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  8. UMedusa

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    It is really painful when our family is not what we need them to be. A good friend once told me, "You need to have a funeral for the mom you needed her to be, so that you can accept the mom that she is." By doing that, what happened was not that I was jolly all the sudden to be emotionally abused and let down, but I was able to put a comfortable emotional distance between us. Sort of like being weaned emotionally. You learn to be on your own without the pain and fear of losing that attachment.

    You have some really great replies here, and I can only echo, sometimes we just have to deal with bigotry, even from our dear biological families. Your situation with your mom sucks. But, notice, your strength and example sets your siblings free. Don't let it get you too down. You aren't wrong to expect acceptance and love for yourself and the partner you are happily enjoying in your life.
     
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  9. Lone Wolfe

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    So just to add my two cents worth -

    -> my mom later mentioned that my siblings were upset I didn't come like it was somehow my fault and not hers...

    My mom would have done the same thing. Don’t let her get away with this. Make sure your siblings know she didn’t want you around “because of your husband”.

    -> I'm sure I'll get to deal with this crap all over again on Christmas and New Years too.

    Your turn to be proactive. Gosh mom, thanks for thinking of me at Christmas time, but given you didn’t include my family at Thanksgiving, we’ve made other plans for the holidays. We’re going to be in Hawaii for Christmas this year. We’ll think about you while we are gone. Send our love to the rest of the family.

    Screw them.
     
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  10. Biguyjosh

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    Destin, sorry this happened. I don't think it's up to you to repair the relationships. You know how they feel so it's time you spend the holidays with your family which is you and your bf. If your mom doesn't want your siblings upset then that's her fault, not yours.
     
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  11. quebec

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    Destin.....Some people are just not going to change. The really rotten thing is when they start to use "Family" occasions to try and manipulate others into doing what they want. I think that you and Niagara are going to just have to start a "Family" tradition around the holiday season of your very own. You can celebrate together and also be on the lookout for friends that aren't able to go to their family celebration or aren't welcome for whatever reason. Invite those people to your celebration and make it a get-together that can be a happy time instead of a downer for everyone. I do hope that Christmas works out better for both of you!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  12. HM03

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    Completely agree with most of the comments - Just because they are your family doesn't mean you have to continually suffer. Any relationship is a two way street, all you can do is put in your effort until you deem it useless lol.

    Like @quebec said, start your own tradition. Whether its your own thanksgiving or some unrelated kickass event to get your mind off things.
     
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