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Terrified of outing myself to family

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by GayThea, Dec 11, 2017.

  1. GayThea

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    Location:
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    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hi guys!

    I am a 17 year old Austrian girl and I like girls only.
    I first came out to a friend two years ago and a year later I was out to all my close friends.

    The problem is, not only do I sometimes feel like I rushed things (and put myself under wayyyy to much stress to come out), I occasionally regret coming out (although there has been nothing but support from my friends).
    Sometimes I just can't help to think that I changed my friends' image of me forever and sometimes I just don't like me being viewed as "a lesbian". I like to think of myself as someone who likes girls and I mean no offense to anyone, but I personally am not comfortable calling myself lesbian. Somedays I don't mind others I do.

    Plus, I made a few new guy friends (friends of my brother, who I am not out to) who are the sweetest, but now I'm back to stressing myself about coming out. But it terrifies me.
    They are semi-open-minded and I believe them when they say that they will keep any secret that I tell them, but I also worry that they might talk about that.. and that way my brother finds out.

    Once he finds out all my religious cousins will know (we are close but still.. you never know), one of them is my class mate and could tell the whole class (not realistic but that is still what I'm fearing).
    On the other hand telling the whole class would not matter to me. It's my last year at school and they are all pretty open minded.
    My parents are very accepting about homosexuality too, but I fear that they would react differently to their own daughter being gay. My mom has always told me how much she wants me to have kids of my own and live a happy life with a pretty husband.. and i feel like she might feel let down if I told her..
    My dad is pretty chill about that (he often tells me about his colleagues and their gay sons and daughters and how they had to change their opinions and eork on themselves and that he admires people who come out as trans etc..)
    I do not plan on telling them until I have a girlfriend though so that doesn't trouble me for now..
    My brother however is a different issue.
    He is my main fear.
    I really love him, he is the one I can always count on and we have always stocked together even if we fight and have different political opinions.
    He is the most conservatory of my family - he believes in human rights but doesn't believe that gay people should be able to get married. To him, they are a joke and he likes making offensive jokes about them. He would grant gay people a civil union that is like marriage (with all legal benefits except adoption) but he would never call it marriage. "Because it is not marriage".
    He really gets furious when I ask him why not, as though it were obvious.

    I am scared that it would be really hard for him to understand and process but he is the one person I cannot deal with losing.
    Rationally, i know I shouldnt be afraid of my family's reaction. It can't be that bad. But it still stresses me out massively, especially because I hate emotional conversations about topics that have hurt me in the past.

    What would you do if you were me?
    Thank you for your time!
     
  2. skittlz

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    No problem!

    I relate to the uneasiness with being out to my friends, and the possible misunderstandings about my identity. Your friends seem really nice and supportive, so if there's any time that they call you a lesbian, you can just explain why sometimes you don't relate to that and it should be fine. Otherwise, I guess I would try not to worry about it too much.

    If I were you coming out to your new friends and/or parents, I'd prefer not to come out until I am sure that I'm emotionally prepared for possible outcomes. I would probably have to mull over it, but also take breaks, exercise, and focus on hobbies at times to try not to get too stressed. (Treat yourself!) However, this approach does take a long time...but I personally find this way to minimize any extra nervousness I have while or after coming out.

    I suspect that your brother sees marriage as between a man and a woman, so I guess same sex marriage sounds like an oxymoron. I think at this point the best than can be done is to thoroughly understand why he has these beliefs. Since it might be difficult to talk to him about, would it be possible to write to him?

    Possible questions to ask:
    Do you think a child can be properly raised by parents of the same gender? Why?
    Is a same sex relationship less sacred than a different sex relationship? Why?
    Gay people don't like to be bullied just like anyone else. So why bully them?
    What do you think gay people are like? Where'd you get these ideas?

    Hopefully, his answers proves his hurtful behavior is from ignorance and can be changed when he realizes you're not some stereotype. Either way, his answers might give closure on whether/when/how to come out.

    I hope this helped! Good luck! :slight_smile:
     
    Cinnamon Bunny likes this.
  3. Cinnamon Bunny

    Regular Member

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    I'm of the opinion to listen to your body. If you're too scared or anxious to do something, if you're mortified, it's not the right time for you. I think it's best to face things when you feel it's "scary" but you're confident in yourself to deal with it. So work on being okay with a possible difference of opinion or rejection from family, as well as healthy ways to cope with stress. Counseling could help in this. Set yourself up for success. The reality is, life is difficult but you can face it and make it through. So even if things don't go as you wanted you'll be okay.
     
    skittlz likes this.
  4. beenthrdonetht

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    Well said. Just like a Minnesotan to be plain and clear. (I grew up there and loved it.) This is called essentialism, the belief that marriage is a thing, that can't be changed. Like the number 3 can never get bigger or smaller or change in any way. (Besides numbers, I doubt if there really are any such absolute things.) But marriage is a concept, an institution, a word we use to describe something, and is malleable.

    I don't think this philosophizing solves the world's problems, or yours. But maybe it shows you a way to (gently) explain yourself and your position. The thing he is thinking about when he uses the word "marriage" is just not the thing you are thinking about.
     
  5. secret2018

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    I definitely relate the feeling rushed and stressed about coming out. I feel like now that I've told a few friends I need to force myself to tell more. I keep having to remind myself that its a process and not one that necessarily needs to go fast. One of my friends that I am out to told me that she thinks that I just need to be chill about it and when the time feels right to tell certain people to just let it happen. My family is super religious so I'm really scared about them finding out but like you I don't plan on telling them until I have a girlfriend as I feel like that will kind of help back me up and show them that I'm being serious. You're definitely not alone with a lot of what you're feeling!