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Terrible Day - The more in depth realisation things aren't going to be ok.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by iliketolift1, Jul 16, 2017.

  1. iliketolift1

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    Today has been horrible as I have came to some conclusions that came as quite a shock to me. I'll start from the beginning but will try to keep it as to the point as possible.

    Today I went out to a restaurant with my close family (mom, dad and siblings). At said restaurant I ordered a sandwich which happened to contain pork. My dads family is extremely religious (no pork allowed to be eaten etc.) however my dad isn't really. I ate the pork because my mom isn't religious and told me it was fine. Turns out this really pissed my dad off. He is refusing to talk to me since I ate the pork. That was this morning. I tried to apologize but he won't acknowledge me. He told my mom that if his family found out that I ate that they would "disown all of us and it would cut the family in half"

    Thinking about how just simply eating pork had such an effect on my father really scares me. At first I thought he would be ok if I was gay, I thought I only had to worry about his family. Now I'm not sure if he would ever speak to me again if I came out. If I come out and his family finds out (they will eventually) I will destroy this family. This is so stressful. I feel like this is the straw that broke the camels back. I can't breathe, I'm so upset. Why does it have to be this way. I can't come out if it's going to be like this. I can't be happy because I'll ruin his relationship with his family. If I can't eat pork without being disowned how will I be able to live my life authentically (by that I mean gay which is an even bigger "sin") I really didn't expect this at all.

    The only light at the end of the tunnel is my mother. She isn't the most educated on the lgbt community but she is supportive and proved that today. She said she never wants us kids to not be able to tell her anything and she will love us no matter what and we should trust her. I think I might tell her my feelings this week because I really am so terribly upset by the realization that coming out isn't going to be as smooth as I thought it was (and believe me it wasn't smooth to begin with).

    I don't want to be gay anymore. I wish this would all just go away and I wouldn't be a disappointment and I wouldn't ruin everything with the way I feel. This really fucked me up. I couldn't care less if my dads family just disowned me. But if they will disown us all I'm fucked. I hate this. How can it get better?
     
  2. beenthrdonetht

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    Oh, lifter! Your posts have been so positive and uplifting to us! This is not a good turn.

    I agree that your mom (as she should be) is the healer and peacemaker in all of this. It might be a hard thing to lay on her -- because you will probably have to tell her to keep it quiet. And that's asking a lot of another person. It's like "here hold this... forever." But you know what? I have a feeling that if you were straight as an arrow, there would still be friction with your dad's side of the family. Remember: you're the opposite of a disappointment to EC. You are an inspiration.

    I don't know what else to say but please accept some hugs and good thoughts. Go pump some iron. Get on a bike and spin until your legs fall off. Treat yourself to a massage. You are right the way you are.
     
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  3. iliketolift1

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    Thank you so so much for your kind words, you really don't know how much they mean to me.

    I hope with time things will get better. I know they will.
     
  4. beenthrdonetht

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    Yes they will, and the first step in improving things is just getting them out there (here) in print. It's good for your soul to just type. And you sort out your thoughts very well. Anyone here in EC can tell that you have your sh*t together. It's just those other people... what are we gonna do with them? (Rhetorical question.)
     
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  5. iliketolift1

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    I'll be sure to voice any thoughts I think are worth sharing on here :slight_smile:
    Again many thanks for the encouragement
     
  6. Quantumreality

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    Hey ilketolift1,

    I'm not sure that this helps, but your Dad is wrong to put his concerns for what others think above his love for his own immediate family. His real attitude should be supportive of you against all comers - even other family members. You and he can disagree in private, but he shouldn't be shutting you out simply because he might be concerned about what other family members may think about you or your actions.

    Just my 2cents.
     
  7. iliketolift1

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    Hey quantum, the problem isn't what my non immediate family will think, it's what they will do. He will never hear the end of it from them and it will be a subject of constant discussion until the end of time lol. Believe me, my family doesn't let go of things; ever. I understand where he is coming from. He doesn't want there to arguments within the family just like I don't. This is mostly why he freaked about the pork situation; he doesn't want to create friction I guess. But I definitely do agree with what you said above. I'm just hoping that maybe by some small chance my dads side of the family will be accepting however I know this isn't the case. All I want from this situation is for them to put all the blame on me (blame for being gay lol) rather than transferring any of it to my mom or dad (they will probably think they weren't strict enough with me which is why I ended up gay).

    We will see what happens in the future. I can't know my dads reaction until I actually come out to him. He can be very open minded in things but very close minded in others. Fingers crossed liking girls is something he is open minded about. I really don't know at this point. Every time I think I have figured out his views life throws me a curveball. For example, after ignoring me for the remainder of the day, today he came back happy and smiling like everything is normal, he is funny like that. I don't really know, I'll have to ask my mom what she thinks his reaction will be. Like me he is very hot headed and little things get blown out of proportion easily.
     
    #7 iliketolift1, Jul 17, 2017
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2017