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Suspect son is gay; dealing with how to be supportive while handling my own emotions

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Uncertain9, Sep 18, 2017.

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  1. Uncertain9

    Uncertain9
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    Location:
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    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    A bit of background is needed before I get to my main question. Years ago, when my children were still pre-school aged, I discovered that my husband may be gay. Before I married him, he was reading playboy, had previous girlfriends, seemed very heterosexual, so I had no concerns. After we married, things started to change. Restrictions on when I could ask to be intimate, it had to be before 10:00 p.m., etc. Then catalogs for gay magazines started coming to the house, which he passed off as it must be a joke someone was playing on him. Yeah, I didn't really believe it, but was so inexperienced at the time and wanted to trust him. Then I found that he had been on gay websites, late at night, while not bothering to come to bed with me. I had young children at the time, was a stay-at-home mom (now work full time), and if I divorced him, would have had to put them in daycare, lost the house, neighborhood friends, the children would have been shuttled between houses for their entire childhoods, insert various reasons and excuses for why I stayed. Started marriage counseling, for a few weeks until he refused to continue to attend. He flatly denies that he is gay, but our sex life is non-existent, and I am angry as hell at him. It's not a good situation and I still think about leaving every day, but continue to stay.

    Fast forward to now. My son is a teenager and not very communicative,( perhaps because he's struggling with the following issues?). Last year, he didn't want to ask a girl to prom, but told us that since a friend of his didn't have a date either, they were just going to go together. At his high school, it is not unusual for groups of friends attend the dances without a date. That is something I actually think is a positive, since it takes the pressure off. So I didn't think much of it, until we helped chaperone a school outing. The young man with whom son attended the dance, was doing a few things, like hugging son from behind for a few moments. It could have been just goofing around, but the alarm bells went off. On the other hand, they didn't sit next to each other on the bus, hung out with other kids, too, and during the summer, didn't really have much contact. My son also, has never shown any of the stereotypical behavior that would make me think he was gay. That might just be my own blindness and ignorance about how people behave.

    Just before the start of school, son emptied has backpack, including his yearbook. I hadn't seen it, so I looked at the pictures, and then noticed the signed commentary to him from this other boy. It stated he was so glad they had become best friends and "lovers", in quotation marks. So...is my son gay and not telling me? Is he confused? Is the in quotation marks quote just goofing around? Son has also been making a few comments about never getting married, and a couple other comments that have raised questions for me.

    So my questions: I want to let my son know I love and support him and that will never change, no matter what. I am also dealing with my own anger and betrayal from my husband and the choices for my own life I have wrestled with. I need to be supportive without my own issues interfering. Obviously, having a gay son is far different than having a gay husband. The husband has ruined my sex life, my son has nothing to do with that.

    Also, I don't want to question my son and, by questioning him, cause him to be pushed one way or the other. He is probably confused and scared and wrestling with this. He doesn't have very many friends, so I am also concerned that he may be letting himself be pushed toward being gay, so that he can keep a friend. How do I let him know that he has the right to say no or that he's not comfortable with something, without it seeming that I don't support him? I don't know how long he has been wrestling with this issue. What can I do for my son at this point? Should I talk to him? Should I wait until he is ready to talk, while watching him make convoluted excuses for why he hasn't asked a girl out to the next school dance? Help.

    Edited for spelling and clarity.
     
    #1 Uncertain9, Sep 18, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2017
  2. Quantumreality

    Quantumreality
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    Hello Uncertain9! Welcome to EC!:slight_smile:

    Thanks for being such a concerned and supportive parent!

    May I ask how old your son is? You mentioned that he is a teenager, but you didn't say his specific age.

    The most important thing that you can do for your son right now is simply to continue to show him your support and unconditional love. You could also help ease any potential Coming Out to you (assuming that he actually is Gay or Bi) by occasionally showing support for LGBTQ issues and people. For that, you could take advantage of reports in the news about LGBTQ issues and people and make positive, supportive statements about them. You could also continue to ask the normal parental questions about dating, but instead of pressuring him about a girl/girlfriend, you could send him a signal by being gender neutral about the identity of a potential date or openly referring to either a girlfriend OR a boyfriend - showing that it isn't an issue for you - you just want him to be happy.

    Your son's sexuality is something that only he can ever truly know and he can choose if/when he is comfortable sharing it (or not). He may still be questioning his sexuality himself at this point. Most of us (LGBTQ people) tend not to Come Out until we have a good understanding and acceptance of our sexuality for ourselves.

    One common thing for many of LGBTQ people is to become more withdrawn from friends and family members until we are ready to Come Out. And, on the plus side, once we do Come Out, our relationships with the people that we Come Out to (assuming that they are accepting) usually become stronger than ever once we are Out.

    As far as stereotypical gay behaviors go, they are worthless. As are stereotypes of all kinds, in general. The hugging from behind behavior you described could indicate something more romantic/sexual in nature, but it could also just be two boys who are comfortable enough with their heterosexuality to be more touchy-feely that our current social gender norms dictate. I'd say pretty much the same thing about the "lover" comment in the yearbook. They could have a running joke about being boyfriends/male lovers. You can't really draw any direct conclusions until/unless your son chooses to tell you otherwise.

    Your instinct not to question your son about his sexuality is spot-on. You can't push someone to Come Out. He will only Come Out if/when he is comfortable doing so. If you try to press the issue before he is ready, he will likely not tell you the truth and backing him into a corner could both damage your relationship with him and cause him emotional trauma. You should understand just how emotional an issue this is for most LGBTQ people. To begin with, we don't want to be different from everybody else, but our sexuality is not a choice. When we start to realize that we are different, it is often a daunting and terrifying prospect at first. Sometimes we go deep into denial due to shame and internalized homophobia.

    Once we understand and accept our sexuality, Coming Out to parents, specifically, is often our biggest challenge. We often feel that just by being other-than-heterosexual we are letting our parents down because we won't be living up to their expectations for us as a 'normal' child. In addition, since we rely so heavily on the support and unconditional love of our parents, as well as holding their opinions of us so very deep in our hearts, even a minimal chance that they will reject or disown us simply because we have a different sexuality can be a terrifying possibility. Perhaps this EC Resource page can give you some better understanding of the Coming Out process.

    What you are most likely dealing with in terms of your personal emotional turmoil is the grieving process. Regardless of whether or not your son actually is Gay or Bi, right now you are trying to accept the possibility or even probability that he is. I recommend that you check out this EC Resource page.

    Also, I strongly recommend that you download and read the Our Children pamphlet from PFLAG.

    I hope that helps.:slight_smile:
     
    #2 Quantumreality, Sep 18, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2017
    starmotive and Humbly Me like this.
  3. Chip

    Chip
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    Hi, and welcome!

    You're totally in the right place. I echo most of what Quantum Reality said above.

    A couple of points that are important:
    -- Hanging around gay people won't make a straight person gay, just as hanging around straight people won't make a gay person straight. So there shouldn't be any worries that who he's hanging out with will influence his sexuality.

    -- If he is gay, he may already know, but he might also be in denial. This isn't something that is a "phase"; many gay kids have an inkling by the time they're 6 or 7, but may not really come to terms with it until their teen years. It's impossible to tell for sure, but the behaviors you're describing do seem somewhat consistent with his being gay.

    -- I totally agree that bringing the issue up with him isn't a good idea. Be supportive, perhaps offer subtle hints that you are supportive of LGBT people, but don't be obvious and don't push the point. For most teens, any discussion about sex with their parents is absolutely mortifying, and discussion of gay sex is even more so.

    One other thing I'd suggest: It's pretty likely there's some pretty intense unresolved anger (in addition to the conscious anger you're already aware of) toward your husband. If it's an option for you, I'd pretty strongly suggest you consider getting some therapy to talk about that with a professional, as my concern is that it might, inadvertently and unconsciously, end up in projection toward your son. I know this is the last thing you'd want or intend, but when we hold unresolved anger, it often comes out when there's something simliar that can trigger it. This could also help you gain clarity and focus on what you want going forward with your life, since it sounds like your husband is simply unable to come to terms with who he is... and from your description, it doesn't sound like there's much doubt.

    I think you'll find that sticking around here and sharing what's going on for you can be really helpful. If and when your son comes out to you, you can also point him here as well, as it's often really helpful to have anonymous, supportive folks that can help him feel less alone.
     
    #3 Chip, Sep 19, 2017
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