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Support Group for Lesbian Woman Married to a Man

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LilaBogen, Oct 3, 2017.

  1. Zoe

    Zoe
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    I know how you feel, and not to make light of those feelings, but I suspect once you go, you'll look back and wondered what it was you were worried about.

    Hang in there.
     
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  2. LilaBogen

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    Thanks. I'm really concerned I'm going to cry or have a panic attack in the meeting. I don't believe in showing much emotion in public. And I like going to the church. If I embarrass myself too badly I may not be able to go back.

    I'm an attorney and I've been trying to tell myself I should pretend the meeting is like a courtroom. I've never come close to crying in court, no matter what opposing counsel or the judge has said to me.

    It's just I'm often close to tears every time the Pastor talks about LGBT issues in church, and he doesn't do it that often (most of the church is heterosexual.) This is going to be a small space with probably less than a dozen people. It's hard to hide.

     
  3. silverhalo

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    Could you speak to the person who leads the group beforehand to give them a heads up or to get a better idea of the structure of the group and what will happen?
     
  4. LilaBogen

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    It's the first meeting and my understanding is they are going to tailor the group by who shows up. It's a very small church so that's why I think there won't be many people coming. To my knowledge there are only about 6 out LGBT people that regularly attend the church. The meeting is open to the public, but I live in a suburban town. I'm sure there are some LGBT people in the town besides in the church, however I haven't run into any. So outsiders might come but probably not.

    It is possible that after all this worrying the meeting will be held in such a way that the individual participants' sexuality is not even discussed. In which case I will have had daily panic attacks for the better part of a week leading up to the meeting for no reason. On the other hand I think I will be kind of disappointed if that happens because I'm tired of never discussing my sexual identity and would like to start telling people in appropriate settings how I identify.

    The only good thing about all this stress is I am a worrier and if I wasn't having heart palpitations over this I'd be freaked out about the multimillion dollar case I might have to try, or the fact that I've somehow failed my kids in some way, or that isn't the sun going to stop burning 50 million years from now and then what are we going to do? :slight_smile:

     
  5. silverhalo

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    Haha don't worry I get it I am a worrier too.

    I think if they talk about it you just say as much or as little as you feel comfortable with. If they don't talk about it that day then I'm sure there will be opportunities to talk about it but they might just not want to put people on the spot there and then. A small group sounds nice.
     
  6. Zoe

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    I agree with @silverhalo. If you are asked to talk about your individual sexuality (which is probably unlikely), just say as much or as little as you're comfortable with. You can say something neutral like, "I'm just hoping for answers to some questions," or something like that. That doesn't even suggest that you're questioning your sexuality--it might be a friend or family member who's come out and you're trying to learning more. Or even, "I would just like to learn more about the LGBT community." It might be that not everyone there is part of the community. People may be coming in order to help support someone in their family or a friend.

    Another thought I had is that your church seems open to the LGBT community in general. You mentioned you think it's a small percentage of the church membership, but your pastor is comfortable enough to speak from the pulpit about it, which suggests people are generally supportive. So I'm doubting that there's any way you would embarrass yourself to the point of not being accepted by the congregation.
     
  7. LilaBogen

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    Thanks for your perspective. I'm not concerned about the church members rejecting me because of my sexuality. I'm just concerned about not being able to get through the meeting without crying or shaking. The people I've told up until now is literally like 5, and it's hard to talk about it without get emotional. And I don't believe in expressing vulnerable emotions in public. I guess we will see.

     
  8. beckett413

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    I am looking for some type of support as well. I am a 47 year old married woman who has been with the same man my whole adult life. I don't know how to come out and I feel like I will destroy my family. I don't want to hurt my children by hurting their father. He is a good man and doesn't deserve to be told I have never loved him the way a wife should love a husband.
     
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  9. Ashlee Greene

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    I think a lot of us have been in that place. Married, then realized that ‘bicurious’ actually was ‘gay’. LGBT members I’ve found to be understanding...
     
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  10. LilaBogen

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    Well I am supposed to go to the support group in about an hour and I am having doubts. What if the other members of the group don't want me there? After all they have to deal with all the prejudice that comes with being out in this society, whereas I have never experienced prejudice because no one knows I am gay. Thoughts?
     
  11. silverhalo

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    Your brain is trying to convince you out of it. Why should they not want you there? Ok maybe they will all be out now but even if they are there was a time they weren't. Also how do you know they will all be out?
    I know it's tough but take a deep breath and try and go, I can almost guarantee it won't be as bad as you think and if it is bad you never have to go again.
     
  12. LilaBogen

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    I appreciate the response. The other issue is it's possible based on the people that I know from the church that everyone else there will be a gay man. Maybe it's not right for me to intrude on their space?

    My
     
  13. beckett413

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    I understand your fear. It's strong. My only faith is that you need to go with what your gut is telling you. If you need this, then do it. I wish I could be there to support you in the physical world, but alas..no. Peace be with you and know that you have people in this world who do care and understand
     
  14. LilaBogen

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    Thanks for the nice message. I'm walking there now. I could still turn back but right now I'm going. I took two sedatives before I left. The stress was too much. I am still very nervous but I am going.

    Tha
     
  15. Really

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    Good for you. Just know that you don't need to share anything you don't want to and as much as I'm sure nobody will be offended/put off by your circumstances, if they don't know the details, they have no way to form an opinion one way or the other. You'll just be the quiet newbie. :slight_smile:
     
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  16. silverhalo

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    How did it go? Did you make it?
     
  17. Maya100

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    I hope it went okay, let us know when you can.
     
  18. LilaBogen

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    I want to thank everyone for the support. I did go. It was ok. But I feel worse after going. I feel very disloyal to my husband. He knows I went and isn't upset. We had a long conversation this morning and I asked him whether it bothered him that I was gay and he said no. He pointed out that I'm the only one that's upset by this, and he's right.

    I know this is not a PC thing to say but what I really need to do is suppress the sexuality. It's not worth breaking up a relationship just because I would prefer to be with women.

    Anyway thanks again for the posts.
     
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  19. silverhalo

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    Nobody should judge you for wanting to stay with your husband. It's your life and you should chose to live it however you want.
     
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  20. LittleStargazer

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    Ok, English isn't my first language. "Lesbian woman married to a man"
    How many thread's I've seen like this one? I've lost count, sincerely.
    My next answer is for all of you out there in the same situation:

    So it is ok for you to acknowledge your sexuality but it's not okay for you to live it? You're living a lie.
    You are you greatest enemy right now, I get that people are afraid of changes, but they've reaching the bottom of the well choosing to live a miserable life for the next weeks, and thus months that become years and years that have become decades and in the mean time they make the least effort to break up and live a genuine life where they can be themselves and finally have a full and real happy life.
    Kids grow up and they're are going to search for you if that's the case, my parents got divorced when I was 14 and I finally went to live with my mother when I was 18. I didn't think she was selfish, I wanted her to be happy.
    TIME FLIES. YOU DESERVE A REAL, FULL, HAPPY LIFE. GO AHEAD AND FIGHT FOR YOURSELF BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE WILL DO IT, YOU BORN AS AN INDIVIDUAL AND YOU DIE AS ONE. LOVE YOURSELF TOO.