1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Support Group for Lesbian Woman Married to a Man

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LilaBogen, Oct 3, 2017.

  1. LilaBogen

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2017
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    NJ
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi. I am a 34 year old woman with two small children who is married to a man. I thought when I got married (at age 21) that I was bisexual. Now, 13 years later I am pretty sure I'm gay. My husband knows I'm attracted to women and is generally okay with my sexuality. At this point in my life I want to stay in my marriage, despite my sexual orientation.

    My question is, given my situation, do you think it is appropriate for me to attend LBGTQ support groups? There's one that's forming at the church I attend. I don't know how people would perceive my situation and I don't want to offend anyone. I would attend because I have no one to talk to about this and because I am generally supportive of LGBT rights.

    Any thoughts? Thanks so much.
     
    New2me likes this.
  2. Creativemind

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2015
    Messages:
    3,281
    Likes Received:
    411
    Location:
    Somewhere
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You would be welcome, there are a lot of gay people married to the opposite sex.
     
    ShortButSweet and dreamingfreely like this.
  3. Really

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2014
    Messages:
    2,579
    Likes Received:
    753
    Location:
    BC
    Hey LilaBogen,

    Welcome to EC! I don't see any reason you couldn't attend the support group. Whether your bisexual or lesbian, your "letter" is still addressed within an LGBTQ support environment. I'm pretty sure they won't be separating everyone based on their letters. Why not go and just listen to the issues they discuss? And join in when you feel comfortable. I'm sure it will be much like here where everybody joins in to support each other.

    Feel free to stick around. This will probably be a good complement to your live support group. Keep reading here and jump right in when you're ready. :slight_smile:
     
  4. 1Tiny0wl

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2016
    Messages:
    46
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NYC
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hello, I am in a similar situation (lesbian married to a man with kids). I would say at least go and check it out. Listen to others and speak if/when you are ready. It may help if you have no one else to talk to. For me, I go to solo therapy because my marriage is rocky and I am afraid to bump into anyone I know if I were to attend a support group. Best of luck to you.
     
  5. LilaBogen

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2017
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    NJ
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thanks for all your advice. You don't think people at the support group will be pissed at me for being closeted and ignoring my sexual identity?

    If I go I might also out myself to people who know me but don't know I'm not straight. That's ok though. My husband doesn't really care who knows in our town and neither do I. (It might be more of a problem if or co-workers knew, but we work in a big city and live in a suburban town an hour away.)
     
  6. Really

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2014
    Messages:
    2,579
    Likes Received:
    753
    Location:
    BC
    I don't think people will be pissed at you for anything. Everyone will be coming with their own baggage. It would hardly be charitable of them to throw stones, as it were. Plus, I'm sure the facilitator would shut that down pretty fast if it did happen.

    You haven't been ignoring you sexual identity. You're just realizing more fully what it is - which is basically what we're all doing just along slightly different paths.

    I say give it a chance. You're free to leave if you don't like it. Can you email the person running the group and ask for a brief description of what happens at the meetings? That might make you feel more at ease. I'm sure everybody is very nice.
     
  7. Nullis

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 13, 2017
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    20
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I'm in a very similar situation myself. I feel like part of me would want to go and part would be too anxious. My marriage is not in a good place, if I had a better job I would leave so fast... I think I do need someone to talk to though, so I say go. I think it would be healthy to find people why understood what you were going through and be able to talk openly with them.
     
  8. Mabel

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2017
    Messages:
    186
    Likes Received:
    204
    Location:
    New England
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I’m struggling with this myself. There are no groups for anyone coming out later in age in my area. All that would be available is GLBTQ meetups and book clubs and I will feel out of place going to those with a wedding ring on. Maybe someday I will drum up the courage :-/
     
    New2me likes this.
  9. sunrises

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2017
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    las vegas
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I think that perhaps you’re making excuses and you never truly know till you try. You might feel out of place at first but no matter what, you’ll gain a new experience and knowledge! Also the whole concept of taking the initiative would be really self fulfilling in my opinion!
     
    Mabel likes this.
  10. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I don't think people will be pissed off at you, I know inside you are perhaps feel more gay than bi but bisexuals can be proud of their bisexuality and happily married to a man so I don't see any reason you can't attend and then you can just tell people as much or as little as you like depending on how you feel.
     
    dreamingfreely and ShortButSweet like this.
  11. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You could always try starting your own meet up.
     
  12. Maya100

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 29, 2017
    Messages:
    85
    Likes Received:
    32
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I agree with everyone else, there's nothing to be ashamed of & I don't think anyone would (or should) judge you. Sending you the best of luck!
     
  13. LilaBogen

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2017
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    NJ
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thanks again for all your responses. I'm leaning towards going. It's on Sunday so if I go I will try to report back!
     
  14. NeonSocks

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2017
    Messages:
    412
    Likes Received:
    744
    Location:
    Midwest
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

    And like @Really said, don't hesitate to poke around the Late-in Life section here. I think I can safely speak for a lot of us when I say the group there has been an incredible support system while we all try to navigate this new part of our life.
     
  15. LilaBogen

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2017
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    NJ
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I appreciate it. I thought my situation of being married to a man while being gay was so bizarre that no one could possibly relate to it. But after finding this group, it makes me feel less unusual.

    I am still nervous about how I will be treated at the church gathering but I really think I will go. It's going to be weird because almost no one in my life knows, and I will probably know most of the people there.

    Incidentally the pastor at the church I attend does know (he's actually gay but was married to a woman until his late 30s, but I'm not sure what he thinks about me. I kind of think he hates me, but I tend to think most people disapprove of me, so maybe he doesn't.)

    I brought up the subject once privately with him but never brought it up again.

    It's going to be a hard night probably. Then again life is rough for everyone, regardless of sexual orientation.

     
    dreamingfreely likes this.
  16. Maya100

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 29, 2017
    Messages:
    85
    Likes Received:
    32
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You're defiantly not unusual, and I'm so glad EC has helped you to see that.
    It's normal to be nervous, try to remember even if someone knows you or has heard of you through friends, that doesn't mean they will (or should) judge you & if they do you have every right to leave or call them up on it.
    Why would you think your pastor hates you? He sounds like someone you might be able to talk to again if you feel you could? By the sounds of it he may have gone through some of the same things you have and could be a great support.
    I'll be thinking of you on Sunday :slight_smile:
     
  17. LilaBogen

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2017
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    NJ
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thanks for the support. I guess I thought telling a gay man (the pastor) that I'm not straight but staying in my marriage anyway, might make him think I'm not serious about my sexuality or somehow negate the experience of people who discover they are gay and leave their opposite sex spouses.

    I do take my sexuality seriously. It's just right now I don't see how my life would be enhanced by having a same sex relationship. I am very emotionally close to my husband even if we are not close physically. We also have two very small children. And we are an economic unit. We have talked about having an open marriage but honestly I'm not sure I could deal with that emotionally.

    In an ideal world I would like a female partner in addition to staying married to my husband, but how would I even meet such a person?

    I've thought about polyamory but that's not really what I want. I want a committed female partner.

    But why would a woman want to be with me if I'm also married to a man? Unless I found a woman who was in a similar situation to my own.

    So this is all so complicated I have basically decided it's ok for me to acknowledge my sexuality but it's not okay for me to act on it.

    And I'm just not sure how people who are openly gay would feel about my choices.

    I g
     
  18. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Well I am openly gay and I would never judge you for your choices. Everyone's life is their own and they are free to chose what they feel is best for them. It's nobody's place to tell you what to do. People can share their experiences etc but it's your life.
     
    Maya100 likes this.
  19. Zoe

    Zoe
    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 21, 2013
    Messages:
    539
    Likes Received:
    104
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi Lila-

    I'm not sure I have anything new to add, but I can add my voice to those who say you won't be judged. I can certainly understand how you feel (that people will think you're not taking your sexuality seriously), but I honestly don't think that will be the case. When I first came out, I was married, and I was afraid that people would think I was going through some sort of phase or something. Or that I couldn't really be gay because I had waited so long to come out. It was just all part of a general anxiety about coming out.

    It turns out I had absolutely nothing to worry about. Not one single person judged me or the timing of my coming out. No one doubted me or thought I was going through a phase. And in the process, I met a lot of women who had come out after being married.

    The LGBT community, as far as I've experienced, is welcoming and nonjudgemental. If there's every a group who understands everyone is fighting their own battle n their own way, it's the LGBT community.

    I encourage you to go to the group. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

    Z
     
  20. LilaBogen

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2017
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    NJ
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thanks for your response. I still plan on going but I have been losing sleep over it. I keep on waking up with my heart racing. And I have three more nights before this group is supposed to meet. I think I'll be taking ambien tonight . . .

    hab