Suicidal ideation

I'm very sensitive about people who have these kind of thoughts. Especially, if they have attempted it and have achieved it. I'm really sorry for them because I understand that the pain they were going through was immense. If afterlife exists, (which it's impossible, at least for me to be 100% sure), I'm sure they are understood and respected. So if any of you has a family member who has put an end to their life, please forgive them. When you feel very depressed, it's like your mind isn't able to think properly and you see everything through a negative perspective.

Having said that, I don't mean to be misunderstood. If anyone on this forum is going through that terrible suffering, I recommend you give a try to Rayland's suggestions and look for help.

I've been there and, currently, I still struggle with these kinds of thoughts. Anyway, I've looked for help and don't feel embarrased at all to say that I've been seing a doctor for several years and I'm taking medication for depression. Apart from, that I'm starting to see a therapist again next week.

In my personal experience, I think the best way to fight against those intrusive thoughts is to look for professional help, surround yourself with good friends or family members who are willing to listen to you, so that you don't feel lonely and you are consciouss that there are people who care for you. Additionally, it could be interesting to look for a hobby or an occupation you enjoy. I don't know ,something that you've always wanted to do but you didn't, for instance. There's always a chance that you meet some new people and you feel more motivated with your hobby.

I hope I haven't offended anyone with my post. My only intention was to put some light to this problem who affects a lot of us. Life might not be easy or fun but it's the only thing we're certain we have.

 

I've been lucky. Suicidal thoughts have only briefly flickered across my mind just once - in the immediate aftermath of my partner's burial. But I know one friend who succeeded, tragically, and another that, thankfully, botched their suicide attempt. More recently, I also have one friend who has, essentially, tried to end her life, by not eating and nearly drinking herself into oblivion. She's currently in hospital and has done permanent damage to herself.

Thinking about all these examples...I think having a network of real friends, not pretend social media-type 'friends' is one bulwark against such thoughts lingering and possibly being acted upon. If you know someone who is going through a rough time, I would urge you to reach out to them and show that you care, in whatever way you can. I neglected my friend who committed suicide - I hadn't spoken to her for six weeks in the run up to her suicide, and I will always regret that.

Beth

 

Is this included? I wish there was a way to get matched up with all the people who could use my organs/tissue and then set up all the operations so they can all live. Ideally they all are super loving kindness to all, especially the least among us, so the amount of light/love they would bring to the world would be immense!

 

I'm 54 years old and I should have been dead by now. Every once in a while, when I think about the difficulties of aging as a gay man with no close friends beyond 1 or 2 family members, I suddenly remember, I actually made it this far ! Bad family issues, growing up in a big city during the darkest days of AIDS, lots of substance abuse and mental instability. I courted suicide numerous times through reckless behavior. It's only sheer blind luck that I didn't succeed.

I still have suicidal ideation all the time, it's become an ingrained habit from decades of struggle with my own mind. I'm thankful that my life has gotten much better in the last few years (strange timing, I know) and I have a lot to live for and to be thankful for.

 

CONTENT WARNING: Mentions of Suicide Ideation. Read at your own discretion.
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I often wonder how the hell I'm still alive. I deal with passive suicidal ideation off and on,depending on how bad or hopeless the situation feels. I remember after my mom and I lost our house and we became homeless in late 2015, I remember wanting to die...whenever I would cross the busy street, I actually would hope that a car would run me over....obviously it didn't happen...but going through those dark times, I often found myself wanting to die because everything felt so damn hopeless. Yet, I somehow made it out of that situation...and many other dark situations that I don't feel comfortable talking about...

I dealt with a lot of suicidal ideation not too long after coming out to my dad as trans too...and off and on just living with my dad because the situation was very toxic and oppressive for me. I felt like I was told how to think, act, ect. I didn't mind helping out around the house when I lived there...but there were times I felt like I was manipulated into doing far more than a normal person should. I don't know how to explain it. Basically, it wasn't a great living situation. This was when I started self harming, experiencing PTSD flashbacks and the like. This was when I went through a crapton of therapists and it took forever until I found the one I have now...so I'm thankful for that...

I still deal with thoughts of wanting to end my own life sometimes...but I don't...The stubborn part of me doesn't want to give those bastards the satisfaction...That somehow I manage to stick it out...I couldn't tell you how I've made it this far...but somehow...I did. This coming from somebody who grew up in a less than ideal situation, sometimes controlling relationship with my mother (Ra rest her soul), father being barely present, being guilt tripped into doing things that crossed my boundaries by stupid adults at the time, being betrayed by people I could trust, etc. Yet somehow my stubborn ass is still here. I made it...I'm coming out the other side. It doesn't mean I still don't deal with my depression or anxiety, fighting my CPTSD flashbacks, fighting old tapes that tell me I'm worthless or that I'll never make it, etc. I honestly don't know how I have made it this far...being able to finally transition, becoming who I was finally meant to be, being a late teenager in my late to mid 20's now 30's, etc. I'm still here...and I'm still going through therapy and I'm still working through my traumatic stuff but I'm still here. Somehow, Ra willing, I'm still here.

 

Passive suicidal ideation is something I feel like I've been dealing with a lot lately, pretty much directly related to family (that I live with) regarding my sexuality and gender identity. I've known I'm bi-sexual for years now, but being stuck in a religious and bigoted household has made any chance of coming out, let alone being able to have a relationship with a man very difficult, something I'm sure many of us have experienced. As of late, I've been questioning my gender, to where I'm pretty sure I identify as non-binary, but if coming out as bi seems hard, coming out as NB feels impossible, and that I would be nothing but disrespected and shunned. Just feels like I'd be better off dead, not having to deal with it anymore. Despite how hard the depressive episodes are hitting me, I doubt I would ever take it that far, but where I live, trying to get out on my own is ridiculously expensive, I really don't know anyone, and I can't stand the thought of living with random people/roommates. I will probably look into getting some actual help soon, until then I just sit here, wanting to live my life the way I want to, but also wanting to die because I feel like I can't.

 

To get through this, you'll need hope for a better future, which could be at least a few years from now. Not just a vague image of sunshine and smiles, but * concrete * things - what kind of school, job, home ? and what kind of friends, support networks, community ?

I don't know where you live, but many countries are experiencing a housing crisis, and it's especially grim for younger people.

So although you said : "I can't stand the thought of living with random people/roommates", I urge you to reconsider that, because unless you find a rich lover or win the lottery, sharing a living space may be your only chance of turning a new page.

There are many young people in the same situation you are - desperate to leave their intolerant families and start over. Finding a roommate like this could be more than just a financial blessing - you might also gain emotional support and build a network of like-minded LGBT+ friends.

You can't do this alone. Look for people who can help you, and who you can help in return.

 

The reply I posted directly above was meant for @Tanith13 - sorry I wasn't clear about that. It was too late to edit my post so I am updating here.

 

I know it's hard but do your best to hang in there. I've been in a similar situation and it eventually got better for me. It can and will get better for you too. *OFFERS you internet hugs* You're not alone. That's basically what I wanted to say, and everything you're feeling is valid. As my mother said to me many times before: this too shall pass.

 

I'd probably fall into the active category. I'm only 14, and so I'm constantly invalidated, even though I've been hospitalized twice, and attempted 3 times. I haven't had the worst home life, other than some invalidation from my parents (mostly regarding my gender) and some troubles that have happened over the years, but that just makes me feel worse. I wish something really bad would happen to me to justify feeling like this. I also tell myself that maybe I'll be born into the right body if i do it (I believe reincarnation exists.)
And this may just sound like a kid being edgy on the internet, but I think that's why a lot of kids my age actually go through with it. For the longest time, my mom and dad didn't believe me when I told them about my ideation. Even now, I'm not sure I'll make it to 15.
Everybody keeps telling me what it is that's giving me my ideations, but the truth is that I don't even know what exactly it is. That sounds contradictory, but it just feels so sudden.
Maybe things will get better. I'm trying, and I hope you all keep trying too. You're valid, no matter who tells you otherwise. Trans, Gay, Bi, Enby, or other, we're all valid. (though it doesn't feel like it right now )

 

You will no longer be a minor in less than 4 years, correct ? From your perspective that is an eternity. But you'll get there if you have something to hope for. And it's not just about your gender identity, because as LGBT+ people we're much more than that - it's also about your wider dreams.

Who do you want to be, when you're in your late teens ? And in your 20s ? That's the person who can save you. Let that person support you when you feel that nobody else does.

Suddenly turning 18 doesn't mean your life is going to change overnight - the world is filled with struggling adults, too. But knowing that you have legal independence will open doors for you, and it's worth fighting to get there.

 

Thank you for your response...yes, you're correct, I'll be 18 in four years. I really don't know what to look forward to by then, though. Yes, I'll have certain freedoms, but people keep trying to pass laws against trans, non-binary, lgbtq+, and even women. And the economy, too. I don't know if I want to live in a society where most jobs can't even support a basic family.
I'm probably too young to think about that kind of stuff, but I can't help it. It's everywhere.
As for myself, there's too much I feel like I need to be. I need to be pretty, I need to be androgynous, I need to be successful, I need to get a job that'll support me. And there are so many jobs I want, but I feel like I can't have any of them. I want to be a psychiatrist someday, an artist, or a musician. But I just can't pick, and it's so stressful. I know if I live that long, I'm going to be looking back on myself with regret that I made the choices I did.
I think I have some good qualities, yes. I've been told I'm pretty supportive and that I'm sweet. I've been told I'm funny. But none of that will matter if the world I'm living in is falling down.

On another note, I'm proud that you've made it as far as you have. I hope you keep getting better, and I hope you're able to find friends who care about you and support you for who you are. I'm sorry for the little rant I went on, I don't really have much else to do, but I do appreciate your response and advice. Maybe I will save myself, I'm not sure.

 

After being hospitalized this summer and put on meds i no longer think of such horrible things. Learning coping mechanisms has really helped for me to speak up about how i feel. Im surprised i made it out of that point in my life, its strange that the world keeps turning for me. ive never told any of my friends about what happened, its hard to have no one to talk to. Dealing with everything alone is very difficult, especially when you like to keep silent about your struggles.

I want to write a letter of support to whoever is reading this but sometimes positive words dont mean anything when youre so down. These horrible thoughts will subside and you will be whole again, give it time.

 

Yes, you are absolutely right. Our freedoms are not a given, and trans people are now treated like public enemy #1. But you CANNOT

 

Yes, you're right that the political situation is getting dire for many LGBT+ people, esp trans. You're well-informed and articulate for your age so no explanation needed here. But - you *cannot* let that discourage you from making the best of your own life. You could just as well give up due to the climate change outlook, right ? (That's a whole other discussion.)

This is where things get very serious. I hope I'm wrong about this, but I don't see how economic opportunity can improve much for your generation, barring some enormous changes in the global economy. The good news is that there is much you can do, at your age, to prepare yourself - in terms of being financially astute, and pragmatic in general. (Another discussion). The bad news is that you have to be focused enough to do that, and it sounds like you're too overwhelmed by your mental struggles to carry out even basic self-care, let alone plan a year or two ahead.

You sound exactly like the person I have been for most of my life, between university until about five years ago. I spent about 30 years struggling to decide what I really wanted to commit to - in just about every realm of human activity. With hindsight, I'm pretty sure I have some kind of clinical disability (ADHD ? Bipolar ?), and I don't say that lightly because I'm very skeptical about the psychiatric field's excesses when it comes to categorizing so-called illness.

If you cannot resolve who you are in fundamental terms like gender, then that confusion can poison *every* aspect of your life. You might also struggle o commit to academic subjects, jobs and relationships. From every thing you've already said it doesn't surprise me that you've veered into suicidal territory. You can easily feel that life is simply unsolvable and unlivable.

But if some clinical mental disability is a part of the mix (and I'm not saying it is), I hope you can confirm it sooner rather than later. You don't have to commit to taking medication; but at least knowing what illness you might be saddled with has at least 1 postive outcome - you might stop blaming yourself for shortcomings or failures that are beyond your control.

Well there's much more I could say but I don't want to overburden you or make assumptions. Feel free to challenge anything I said.